Catharsis

I'd like to start this post out with an update on the weight loss. Since Thanksgiving I have lost 8 pounds. I have said good bye to the 260s, never to see them again. I really feel great and I actually feel like I am getting control over my eating. Don't get me wrong, the holidays continue to tempt me with sweat things, but I can have a little taste every now and again and not lose control. That is the big win! :)

Ok, last Saturday was not the best day for me. Actually, last week was not the best week for me. Stress, distractions, lack of motivation, and disappointments throughout the week culminated into a big crying fest on Saturday night. Now don't think I'm some big crybaby who falls apart every time things get challenging or don't go my way. This is not true. I am the type of person who lets things build up then watches a sappy movie, has a good cry, and feels a lot better. I like to refer to it as catharsis, which, according to the dictionary, is the Greek word for purification, purging, or cleansing. Anyone who has studied Ancient Greek theatre knows that tragedies were used to help purge or cleans the audience of their feelings. Those of you who have read or studied Oedipus know that the tragedy is used to move people to tears. Now a days melancholy dramas where either someone dies or someone has their heart broken (mostly someone dies) can bring people to tears and cause them to go through several boxes of tissues and end up with swollen red eyes and red noses (at least this has been my experience). The point is that things can become overwhelming and, when that happens, there has to be a release. I firmly believe that, if we didn't experience catharsis, whether it is through laughter or tears, we would probably explode. I think the Ancient Greeks were on to something here. So don't be afraid to cry (or laugh until you cry)!

Since it is now midnight (central time) I'd like to take this moment to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. May you all have a happy, healthy and peaceful Christmas. I would also like to thank everyone who reads my blog. Your comments and support really mean a lot to me. :)

I change, you change, we all change...

Wow, it has been a long time since I posted a new update. Sorry for the delay folks. Still haven't gotten a plug for my laptop, but I will be taking care of that this week. :)

Ok, update time. Thanksgiving was good and the past few weeks have been good. I've lost 5 pounds total over the past 2 weeks, 3 of those pounds were lost during Thanksgiving week. Needless to say, I'm thrilled and I hope to continue the trend (although I haven't been on my best behavior this week, so we'll see).

I've talked a lot in this blog about some of the changes I've made in my life. Since I decided I wasn't happy and I needed to do something about it, good things have been happening. I got a promotion and made new connections at work. I've been on a few dates and have met new people. I've also noticed that people react to me more positively over the past 2 months. But, as you know, where there is good, there is also bad.

I'm sure you're wondering what the bad part of all of this is. Well, what I didn't realize when I began this journey is how much my changing myself was going to effect those around me. I've changed which has forced some of my relationships with friends and family to change and I think some of the people I love were not ready for this. I had no intentions to force others to change. In fact, I was only thinking about myself when I decided to make some changes. But change is a tricky thing. When you change your attitude and the status quo is no longer enough, it sets off a chain reaction that forces those around you to make adjustments and, possibly, make some changes themselves. Some of you might think this is a good thing, and it can be. But if the person likes their life as it is and you change it up, it is not so good. I have done this to some people that I really care about and I'm really sorry. But I know I can't go back, I can only go forward and hope really hard that the people who truly love and care about me will trust that, deep down, I'm still the same person and that they will be willing to go along for the ride.

So I am going to continue to push forward. Christmas is just two weeks away and then a brand new year. I am looking forward to what next year will bring. I can tell you this, I feel a lot more confident to face challenges and I am really excited to see what's next.

Happy Holidays everyone. I hope everyone enjoys this time with family and friends and takes stock in all the good things that life has to offer.

Strength, something found where you least exprect it.

This weeks blog is late because it's been really hard for me to pull my thoughts together in order to write. As I reported last week, I am currently in Chicago. Well Alsip, Illinois to be exact. I am sitting in the basement of the home I grew up in and have spent the past week on an emotional roller coaster. Coming up here to help out with my dad, who got out of the hospital 2 weeks ago, has not been easy. It's been hard watching him struggle with his difficulty walking and the fact that he has limited use of his left arm. He is an independent person who has to rely on others to help him get to the bathroom, help him dress, take a shower, cut up his food. I know the situation is not easy for him and, in turn, he becomes frustrated with himself and takes it out on the caregivers.

The week started off rough and I had a lot of flashbacks to my childhood. I am the type of person who does not like conflict. I actually hate it and I try to avoid it as much as possible. So to have to dive head first into a tense and somewhat volatile situation was not easy. Listening to my dad become frustrated and start yelling at my mom, at my brother, and at me was not easy. Sunday was especially rough. By 12:00pm, I was ready to either eat my weight in ice cream or be checked in to the nearest loony bin. Fortunately, neither one of those things happened. As the week progressed, things started to get better. Developing a routine with my dad, especially in the morning, really helped. Also, having a routine set for the shower really helped! I do have to say one thing that I've discovered about my father, he is a strong man. I've always known about his strong personality, his stubborn streak and his strong beliefs, but I've seen another side of his strength over the past few days. It takes a certain kind of strength to give up a part of your independence and not fall into a depression. I know he is worried that he will not be able to walk without a cane and brace and I know he is very worried that he will not be able to move his left arm again, but he continues to try. He goes to therapy three days a week and the days he does not do therapy, he does the recommended exercises and gets out of the house for a walk. The day after he came home from the hospital, my dad could only make it to the neighbor's driveway and back. He was very tired after walking upstairs to the bathroom and he had a difficult time completing the arm exercises. Now, he is walking almost to the end of the block, climbing the stairs without getting tired and completing all the exercises without as much difficulty. He is also more patient with us. I spent some one-on-one time with my dad today and he seemed to be more like his old self. He moved his left arm a little and started talking about getting better and moving past this. I am really proud of him and I truly hope he continues to focus on getting better.

As for myself, I am proud of my own strength. This week I have begun to realize that I can handle confrontation. That I my job is not to save others, but to point them in the direction to save themselves. You see, growing up, I tried to do everything I could to keep myself, my mom, and my brother out of trouble because I didn't like all the yelling and mean things that were said. Once again, I was faced with that same predicament. My dad would get frustrated and yell at my mom. My mom becoming frustrated with my dad and crying. At the beginning of the week, I tried stepping in to stop the yelling and to protect my parents. By Wednesday, I began to realize that was not my job. The only person I can protect is myself. The world does not fall apart when people yell at each other. Yes, it does suck for a while, but you work through it and things start to get better. I also realized that I can deal with my emotional stress and anxiety with exercise, writing, talking to a friend. I don't need to turn to food for that comfort, and I didn't. I'm not sure if I've lost weight, but I can say that I have gained a lot from this experience. I have faced that which is uncomfortable and survived. Food is not my saving grace, I am my own saving grace. For the first time in a long time I truly feel strong and I really feel good about myself.

So I return to Florida on Sunday with a mixture of sadness and relief. I will miss my family and I wish I had more time to spend with them and to help out. I am also relieved to go back to my crazy work schedule and life. I have spent the majority of this year caring for others and I feel I have earned some time to take care of myself. I am really glad I came up to help take care of my dad. My mom and my brothers are doing a fantastic job and I know when I leave he will be in good hands. I am also looking forward to seeing where he is with his recovery when I come back for Christmas. I do feel changed from this experience. Now I have to continue working on my confidence and remembering how I feel right now. I know I will continue to grow stronger and more sure of myself as time goes on. I also know that the weight will continue to come off because I am truly ready to become the person I've always known I could be.

As always, thanks for reading. Until next week, keep moving forward and keep honing your own strength, for there is strength in all of us.

Reframing

I lost 1.2 pounds this week. I am slowly making my way out of the 260's and towards my goal. I was really happy to see another loss this week. I am trying to watch my portions and up my exercise. My new exercise goal is to reinstate my gym membership by January (I may have the extra money and there will be deals because of New Year's resolutions).

I had an interesting session with David, my Jenny Craig consultant, on Monday. I'm sure I've mentioned that I've been doing Jenny Craig for quite some time and have had mixed results. When I first started the program, my consultant was Nancy (who is now the site director). I lost 35 pounds when I was working with her and when she moved into the director position, I got a new consultant (and I stopped going and put the weight back on). David told me that he was talking with Nancy about me and she gave him some questions to ask me in regards to my motivation to lose weight. One question was do I think I deserve to be thin. This is a question I haven't thought about in a while and something that Nancy use to ask me when she was my consultant. The easy answer is yes, I deserve to be thin and to be able to wear normal sized clothes and not have to shop in the plus size, excuse me, women's department. But the answer is not as easy as that. If it were, I would have reached my goal long before now and not be struggling like I am. My real answer is I don't know. Being thin means a lot of changes. Changes in my relationship with food, with myself, and with others. It also means a lot of attention from others. I know the attention will be positive, but when you're use to not being noticed and you work hard to keep it that way, extra attention is uncomfortable. Also, I'm the type of person who gives to others. I am not one to put myself first. I don't know exactly when I became this way, but, for as long as I can remember, I've always put others before myself. I'm beginning to realize that, in order to lose the weight and be healthy, I will have to put myself first. I will have to start saying no to others at times and start doing things that will be good for me. I am 38 years old and I really do not have a good relationship with myself. I am not happy with the way I am and, since things have become uncomfortable for me, I really am ready to make some changes.

One of the first changes is to begin thinking about how it would feel to be 180 pounds (my goal weight). David and I talked about how if you want to be a certain weight, you have to eat like you are already that weight. Talk about a light bulb going off in my head. I never thought about weight loss like that, but it makes perfect sense. The only way to truly be successful in taking off weight and keeping it off is thinking about how a 180 pound person eats. Looking at what I'm eating, the size of my portions, and the snacking, and saying to myself "would I eat this if I were 180 pounds?" It is not going to be easy. It's easy to just eat whatever and not think about the amount of calories I'm putting into my body. It is not easy to consciously think about what I'm eating. But, like they say, if it's easy, it's not worth doing.

So my goal for this week is to begin thinking and eating like a 180 pound person. This will truly be a challenge because I am leaving for my parents' house on Friday and will be gone for a week. So I will be out of my routine and, something about being in the house I grew up in triggers me to want to eat all kinds of snacks and junk food. I will explore those feelings next week.

So, to those of you who are trying to make changes in your own lives, try thinking of yourself once you've reached that goal and focus on what that will feel like. Also know that everyone deserves to reach their goals and to be happy! :)

Things are not always as bad as they seem.

As you all remember from my last blog, I did not have the best week last week and I was debating as to whether or not I would go to my Jenny Craig appointment and get on the scale. Well I did go to the appointment on Monday and I lost 1 pound! I am very excited about this pound because it is a step in the right direction and hopefully more will follow.

Since I've been experiencing some changes in my life, I've been thinking a lot about change and what causes people to change. I've read that if I want positive things to happen in my life, I have to focus on the positive, but how exactly do you do that? I've heard that some people meditate about the things they want to change in their lives, clearing their minds and self-exploring. Do you know how hard that is to do? I do because I've tried it. I have a very hard time shutting off my mind. It feels like my mind is on a continual track and, when I try to quiet it down, I constantly have thoughts popping into it. I could be home by myself without the t.v. or any other noise on and my thoughts will seem so loud. I can't say that my mind shuts off when I go to sleep because I have some very interesting and vivid dreams. So how exactly does this meditation thing work? I guess you would have to have more focus and control of you mind than I do. I will keep trying and let you know what I find out.

Well, that's it for today. Monday and Tuesday were pretty good days as far as food goes. I've been managing to stay away from the candy in my office (for the most part. I did take a sucker yesterday). To all of you who are trying to make changes in your lives, stay focused and quiet your mind (and if you can do that, please let me know your secret). :)

Do I want to face the music?

Here I am on a Sunday morning thinking about my week. I was a fast week and not one of my best as far as eating and exercise were concerned. I had some candy and cookies this week. I also ate out and was not really good when it came to my portions. To top it off, I was sooo tired this week that I did not exercise at all this past week. Now my dilemma is, do I go to my Jenny Craig appointment and face another weight gain or do I chicken out and not face the music? How bad would it be if I didn't go in? I gained 2 pounds last week and, if I have another gain, I think my consultant will be ready to give up on me (ok, I know he won't give up on me, but I also feel he's really getting frustrated with me). What to do, what to do...

A part of me says go weigh in and move forward, which is probably what I will do. I'm just very frustrated with myself. Sometimes I have to wonder just how serious I am with wanting to lose weight and change. I have gotten a lot of positive feedback from people encouraging me to continue moving forward, but I'm not quite sure where my motivation is. I say I want to change and lose weight, but I continue to fall back on old habits and do things I know I shouldn't. I'm not going to lose weight if I don't change my eating habits. The old ways are not going to get me to my goal. I know this and I need to take charge. I'm not going to give up eating out, I'm just going to make smarter decisions and get a to go container before I start eating so I can ensure that I am eating the right size portion. I just have to remember these things and I can't randomly snack. Sugar is like a drug. Once I eat one sugary treat, I want several (and I mean many handfuls) more. It's like something goes off in my brain, like a drug. I can see why some people can become addicted to drugs.

Ok, so I have until tomorrow to think about whether or not I want to go to my Jenny Craig appointment. I will probably go because it will do me good and I will be honest with my consultant about my week. Now I really have a plan for my week. I just need to follow it. Moving forward from old habits is hard, but I know in the end it will be very rewarding.

Thanks again for all the encouragement. For those of you who are trying to make changes in your own lives, keep it up and don't give up when things get hard! There is strength in numbers and we can all face the music together! :)

Whooosh

I believe it was Nationwide insurance company that had an ad with the tag line "Life comes at you fast". Believe me, this is very true. I can honestly say I don't know where the past week and a half have gone. Actually, I don't know where October went. One minute I was making plans for a weekend in Tampa to see U2, then next minute I'm trying to figure out if I actually want to bring Halloween candy into my house. This is my way of explaining why I haven't updated my blog in a week ;). Also, part of the problem is that the adapter and the battery on my laptop have died, so I've had limited computer usage for the past week.

Well, it's been a week since I started in my new position and I think things have gone pretty well. I've had some blow ups on my own caseload, which have not been that fun, but things have worked out in the end. I will say that, since the promotion, it's been hard for me to get things done when I'm at the office. I walk in with good intentions and a list of things to do and, by the time I leave to go see my kids, I have accomplished nothing from my list. I don't know what I'm going to do. I may have to (gasp) work over the weekend! We will see...

Last Sunday I did a 5 mile race with two friends (they ran it, I walked). It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I did not do as well as I did last year, but last year I was going to the gym on a regular basis and was in better shape than I am now. The race was on Casey Key in Nokomis, FL. Casey Key is a beautiful place with a lot of nice homes (some would be nice to own if I had several million dollars to spend). While I was walking, it gave me time to think. I have to say that, in spite of some of my insecurities, I'm happy with the direction my life is taking. This year has not been an easy one by any stretch, but I managed to become a licensed mental health counselor, get a promotion and a raise, and reconnect with friends I haven't seen or talked to in years. So that's not too bad!

I did gain 2 pounds this week. I'm not exactly sure how that happened because, overall, I thought I was pretty good with my eating. I was bummed about it on Monday, but I've gotten over it. I just need to keep moving forward and do the best I can. I know I will lose the weight, it will just take time. As far as the Halloween candy is concerned, I'm going to a friend's house for dinner that night so I don't have to worry about having treats for the trick or treaters in my neighborhood. I know this may sound mean, but I've worked most of the Halloweens since I moved to Florida, so the kids don't really come to my house anyway.

Happy haunting everyone!

Confidence, or lack thereof...

Hi everyone. I am trying hard to post something on a regular basis, but it's been pretty crazy and pretty difficult to post something every day, so a posting once every two days or so will have to do.

Last night while I was in the shower, I began thinking about confidence. What makes me feel confident and the areas that I am lacking in confidence. One of the places where I feel very confident is at work. I really enjoy my job and I'm good at it. I connect well with the kids and foster parents I work with and, after years of listening to my friends (and random strangers in different lines) I have honed my skills and I feel I am able to really help those who want to be helped. So I had a big boost to my confidence this week when I was promoted. I am now a "lead clinician". What that means is that my supervisor, who is moving into a new position herself, has enough faith in me that she feels I can handle running the foster care piece of our office. My friend was also promoted and he will be running the outpatient counseling piece. I am really excited about this because it gives me a chance to grow and I feel I am ready to take on this challenge. Or so I thought... Last night, doubt started nagging my brain and all the old negative talk came back in full force. I found myself thinking, "what have you gotten into?" "You're not supervisory material, what were they thinking?" This line of thinking along with all the negative stuff I tell myself about the way I look just flooded over me and, for a moment there, I felt just awful. I felt like I wasn't worth anything and it was really sad. Then I looked at myself in the mirror and said STOP! This is stupid! I am a 38 year old woman and I have accomplished a lot in my life. I have a masters degree. I am a licensed mental health counselor. I have been out on my own for 13 years and have been able to make it, even when times were really tough. I have friends and family who love me and support me. Why did I want to make a good thing bad? Why is it that I constantly doubt myself? I know I have the ability to do whatever I put my mind to, so why beat myself up? Because it is easy. It is easy to be negative and believe the worst because I won't be disappointed. If I'm negative, I'm already doomed to fail, where if I'm positive and it doesn't work out, then I have to deal with the aftermath. Well, screw that. I can be a good supervisor. I can do well in my job. And, dammit, I can lose weight. It is not going to be easy, nothing good ever is, but if I continue to take the easy way out and be negative, I will never get anywhere.

So my goal now is to focus on the positive, no matter how hard that is. I will stop doing things the easy way and really work on building my confidence. I'm already feeling better after writing this because I am beginning to see some of the roadblocks that have detained me from reaching my goals. I know negative thoughts will come into my head from time to time and I will deal with that, but I will not allow them to keep me from doing what I want to do!

So, to any of you who are striving to make changes in your lives, build up that confidence. You can accomplish anything you set your mind to!

To alcohol, the cause of...consuming many calories :)

Yesterday, one of my readers and FB friend posted a comment stating that she indulged in a high caloric beverage called Voodoo Juice while in the Virgin Islands. I do not blame her. If I ever get to the Virgin Islands, you better believe I will be trying this drink. The name alone is very appealing and leaves me to believe that, after consuming many of these, you will be in a position take out aggression on an enemy with the use of a pin doll :).

This comment also got me thinking about the calories consumed while drinking, and I'm not just talking about alcohol. Whenever I have dieted, the focus has always been on the food. I've always tried to pay attention to what I'm eating, but I haven't thought about what I'm drinking. Now, my daily beverage consumption consists primarily of coffee and water with an occasional soda or lemonade thrown in to spice things up. I also like to drink alcohol and will frequently consume either beer or wine on the weekends. What I haven't done, and what I need to do, is plan for the extra calories I will consume when I drink. I do try to stick more with light beer, but when I go out I like to try new beers (and I am not a fan of Bud Light or Miller Lite, although I can tolerate Miller more than Bud). So, if I go out with friends and have 3-4 beers, I can consume as many calories as I would if I had a meal. This is food for thought (sorry, bad pun). So the dilemma is this, I don't plan on quitting alcohol altogether, but I do have to plan. I need to ensure that I haven't gone completely over my allotted calorie intake for the day before I drink that first beer and I need to think about how many I can have without blowing it. Wow, healthy living and losing weight truly is hard work! :)

So, that is my next step. I will continue to pay attention to what I'm taking in and I will try to plan my weekends a little better. :)

I lost 0.6 pounds yesterday, not exactly making up for the 2 pounds I gained last week, but a step in the right direction. Stuck to my food plan yesterday and did not eat anything completely horrible. I did have a slice of German chocolate cake Sunday night that I forgot to write about yesterday.

Thank you to all who read and leave encouraging comments. They mean a lot to me! :)

Ch ch ch ch changes

Starting with a quick update. My dad was moved to the rehab floor of the hospital on Saturday. Yesterday, he met with the physical therapist and walked with a walker from his room to the nurses station. He was also able to take a shower, which my mom said really helped his spirits. The doctors told my mom and brother that they do expect my dad to make a full recovery, it's just going to take time. The doctor also said that, if they didn't think my dad was going to make a full recovery, he would be rehabbing at a nursing home. So thank you all for the good thoughts and prayers.

Now, about this weekend... Actually it wasn't too bad. I got up Saturday morning and walked 3 miles in the nice, cool weather. I've decided I really need to step up the walking this week because I am doing a 5 mile race with friends on Saturday. Now, mind you, I will not be running during this race, but I can walk pretty fast. I did this race last year and finished 5 miles in 1 hour and 10 minutes. I don't know if I will be able to beat this time because I was still going to the gym on a regular basis and was really pushing the cardio. I will let you know how I did next week.

I've been thinking a lot about changes this week. I'm going to be facing some changes at work soon, which, although they are a little scary, will be good for me because I will be stepping into more of a supervisory position and taking on extra duties. I am looking forward to this change because I know I will learn a lot from the experience and it will help me to move towards my future goals. The situation with my parents and the changes in their health is also very scary. When I found out about my dad's stroke, I started thinking about whether or not I should move back to Chicago. It's been really hard being down in Florida with everything that is going on up there. I know my parents aren't alone because I have one brother who still lives with them and another brother who is about 5 to 10 minutes away, but I am worried. I am worried that my mom will push herself too hard trying to care for my dad and I am worried that my dad will become discouraged at how slow the rehab process is and will give up. Last night my mom kind of asked me to move back. The problem is, I'm not ready to leave Florida. First of all, I don't have the money right now to move into another place and I really don't want to live with my parents for an extended period of time. Secondly, I'm not ready to leave my friends and my job. Third, I share a house with a very good friend and I don't want to leave her screwed. So my dilemma is that I feel guilty and selfish for choosing my life over my parents. Is it wrong to want to put myself first? I just feel like I still have things to accomplish here and I'm not sure if I would be happy moving at this point.

Ok, going to Jenny Craig this morning. I will have an update on the weight situation and more fun stories tomorrow. Thanks for reading and thanks for the comments and support!

Yikes

Yes, I realize the last time I posted was Tuesday, but this week bowled on past like a cannonball. A lot of things happened this week and I needed to take some time to wrap my brain around them before I could write.

The importance of a healthy lifestyle really hit home on Wednesday. I received a call from my mom who told me my dad had a stroke. Now, let me backtrack, my dad had a heart attack at the end of August and spent 4 days in the hospital. The damage to his heart was not that extensive and he had a stint put in one of his arteries. Now, I never in a million years thought my father would have a heart attack. To me, he always appeared to be in decent shape. He was not overweight. He ate relatively healthy (a little snacking from time to time, but nothing too awful). And he was pretty active. What did him in was smoking. My dad has smoked since he was about 19 years old and he is now 63. All those years of smoking caused plaque build up in his arteries, which led to the heart attack. Well, my dad quit smoking, began taking different medications to help prevent another heart attack, and began changing his diet. So now he has a stroke. Fortunately, the damage does not appear to be as bad as we first thought. He has some paralysis on his left side and his speech is slurred, but he is able to talk, eat, and his cognition appears to be normal. He will be moving to the rehab. floor in the hospital this weekend and will begin occupational, physical, and speech therapy on Monday.

So, although I am worried about him, I truly believe he will be alright and will be somewhat back to his old self in a few months. Once the dust settled and I worked through all of my emotions regarding my dad's stroke, I really began to think about how important a healthy lifestyle really is. I also began to think about how I really haven't been taking the weight loss and changing my habits seriously. On Tuesday I wrote about how I was going to write out a plan for my weekend before it happened so that I could go out with friends and not blow it. Well, I didn't exactly do that yesterday. Not to say that I pigged out and ate things I really shouldn't have, but I did eat out for lunch and dinner (not always the best thing to do). On the plus side, I wasn't really hungry when I went out to eat so I did not eat the entire portion and I really tried to think about what I was going to order. I just don't know what is wrong with me. It's like there is this part of me that does not want to make any changes. A part of me likes where I am and does not want to leave the comfort zone and, unfortunately, that has been the part that I have been listening to lately. As a therapist I know that you can't make other people change if they don't want to. I also know that you have to become really uncomfortable in your current situation in order to leave the comfort zone. I do not want to have health problems as I get older. I want to be an active person and I hope to be hiking and biking when I'm in my 80s. I know, in order to do this, I have to drop the weight I've been dragging around with me for the past 26 years. So it is time to get all of the parts of me together and focused on a common goal. I am not happy and I'm not really comfortable where I am, so it is time to change.

Aside from eating a stromboli for dinner (skipped afternoon snack, very bad), that's the only really bad thing I ate yesterday. I've managed to stay away from the candy this week, which is a big win because I wanted to eat either a pint of ice cream or an entire big bag of M&Ms when I heard about my dad. :)

To exercise or not to exercise, that truly is the question!

Hello my wonderful readers. How many of you work out on a regular basis? Show of hands... Ok, we all know that a healthy lifestyle not only means eating healthy, but exercising on a regular basis too. So why is the exercise part so hard? Could it be that, in order for me to fit exercise in my schedule, I have to get up at 5:55am every morning? (Except the weekends, I'm not THAT good). So that is the struggle. Every morning, my alarm goes off at 5:55am and I lay in bed and think, do I really want to do this. A part of me knows that, if I get up and go for that 2 mile walk, I will feel good and I will have energy later. The other part of me thinks, this is crazy, I could really use the extra 30 minutes of sleep. So it goes every morning. Most mornings, I will get up and moving, but there are some mornings where I give in and go back to sleep.

Some of you may be wondering why I exercise in the morning. You may be asking yourself, why not just work out after work. Well, the problem is, my schedule is crazy. I work 2 jobs and I have late appointments, so mornings work the best. Why do I get up so early? Well my best friend has agreed to walk with me to help motivate me to exercise, but she is a teacher who has to be at school by 8am and she has a 50 minute drive. So, in order to work with both our schedules, early morning walks are best. Also, living here in Florida, the mornings are much cooler than the afternoons. So, there you go. I force myself to get up in order to be healthy!

At one time, I did have a gym membership and I went 4-5 mornings a week. But, due to my current economic status, I had to temporarily give up the membership. Things are getting better now and I am planning on reinstating my membership and getting back to the gym. Of course, I will be going in the mornings because I don't see my schedule changing anytime in the near future. So the battle to get up in the morning will continue.

So, for those of you who are out on the road around 6:05am and you see two women who look like speed walking zombies, please watch out, it may be me and my friend and it would ruin my healthy lifestyle if you hit me with your car. :)

Ok Anthony, this is for you. Yesterday, the only bad thing I ate was half of a slice of pumpkin cheesecake that I brought home from the Cheesecake Factory. :P

Bittersweet (not chocolate)

Yes, I'm back. Did you miss me? I took a few days off because I was in Tampa for the weekend and I didn't have time to blog yesterday. BTW, the U2 concert was great, even though getting into the parking lot was a nightmare.

I broke down and went shopping this weekend. Originally, I had promised myself that I wasn't going to buy any new clothes until I lost more weight. But I was in Brandon and the Lane Bryant store at the Brandon Towncenter is bigger and has more styles to choose from than the one in Sarasota, so I couldn't resist. I gathered up two armfuls of clothes and dragged my friend to the dressing room so that I could get a second opinion on how I looked. I think it is a good idea to shop with someone, if you can. Especially someone who is going to be honest and willing to tell you that you look like a cow or that you stomach "shakes like a bowl full of jelly" in different outfits (that is an exact quote from my friend). I ended up buying a dress, which is weird because I hardly ever wear dresses, and a top. Overall, I was pretty happy about what I bought and I think I look pretty cute in the dress, but I wasn't super thrilled about the size of the dress.

I have been struggling a lot with my self-esteem lately. I did go to Jenny Craig yesterday and I gained 2 pounds. I know not every week will be a win, but considering how I've been feeling about myself lately, that was not what I needed. I sat with my consultant as he tried to figure out how to help me. "What is your motivation?" was his question. "I want to be healthy and feel good." was my response. What I should have said was "I've lived practically my whole life as a fat person and I'd like to see what it's like to be thin." I also should have said, "I feel ugly and I feel that I will never be able to attract a man and will grow to be an old spinster and have to depend on my siblings to take care of me and that is not a future that I want." Ok, that's pretty bitter, but it is how I'm feeling. Don't worry, I will not be wallowing in the self-pity party for long. Also, I know that I am not ugly, it's just that it is very hard to hear good things and accept compliments. It is easier to believe the bad stuff and I don't understand why that is. Anyway, my consultant and I did come up with a plan to help motivate me and to help me pay attention to what I'm putting into my mouth. I am excited and I do plan on following through with this. I am slowly beginning to realize that, once I lose the weight, I am not going to be able to eat whatever I want and keep it off. This is a lifestyle change and it is going to take time to undo 26 years of bad eating habits.

Thank you for allowing me to wallow in my pity party for a while. It felt good to get that out of my system. I am now ready to pick myself up and move forward. I am strong, I can do this, and I know good things are in store for me. So to those of you who may be stuck or wallowing in your own pity party, the party's over! Be strong and good things will happen to you too!

Confidence, what's that?

First I want to say thank you to those of you who are reading and (hopefully) enjoying my blog. Some of you have made nice comments, both here and in person, and I appreciate the love and support.

Last night I started thinking about confidence. There are some people I know who look like they have it together. They seem to know where they are going and they appear comfortable in their skin. I have to wonder if that is really true. I have had people say to me "you really seem focused and you know where you're going." Well, when it comes to my career, I have somewhat of an idea of where I want to go and what I want to accomplish and I feel pretty confident that I will be able to meet the goals I have set for myself. But when it comes to my personal life, that's a whole 'nother story.

I have already shared the fact that my weight problem started when I was 12. As everyone knows, puberty years are hard. Your body begins to change, you begin to notice the opposite sex (or the same sex, depending on your taste), and you develop crushes. During this time clothes, make-up, accessories, become important because you want to attract that special someone. Now I've always been interested in clothes, make-up, hair and accessories, but being a chubby teen, I didn't want to be noticed. Kids are definitely cruel and I had been picked on throughout junior high that, when I got to high school, I just wanted to hide behind big sweaters, baggy jeans, and sweats (it's a good thing I lived in Chicago because I would have died from the heat dressing like that in Florida). During this time I was also told, by the media and by people who were trying to motivate me to change, that the only way I could fall in love and live happily ever after is to be thin. Now when I use the word thin I mean someone who wears a size 10-14. Someone who is not skinny like a model (btw I think most models look anorexic), but someone who is fit and looks good. I am not a size 10-14. I don't remember the last time I wore a size 14, but that is the size I am striving for. So I didn't date in high school and, when I got to college, I still felt uncomfortable with my body and continued to hide. It wasn't until I reached my 30s that I began to feel more comfortable in my skin. Yes, I want to lose weight and be healthy, but I do like the way I am. The only time I feel uncomfortable with myself is when it comes to men. For some reason I have not shaken the thought that a guy will only like me if I'm thin. It amazes me how quickly my confidence level drops when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. I am a firm believer that if you feel beautiful, other people will think you are beautiful too. But when I think about attracting a man, the first thing that comes to my mind is I'm too fat! I use to cope with this by eating or drinking excessively, but not anymore. It took a long time, but I am finally beginning to realize that I am not my weight. I do not walk around with my weight tattooed on my forehead. My size is a part of me, but there is so much more here than meets the eye. So, when the confidence level drops and the old insecurities come back, I just think about all the things that I like about myself and, slowly, the confidence level comes back up again.

To all of you out there who are reading this, I hope you've thought of all the things you like about yourselves. Keep those confidence levels up and keep putting good things out into the universe. Thanks for reading!

Thoughts on fall

Well, it's that time of year again. The air is getting crisp, the leaves are starting to change (at least if you live up north. If you live in Florida, it is still hot and super humid and I'm beginning to wonder if global warming is real), and it's fall. I love the fall. I miss living up north during this time of year because it was still warm enough where you didn't need a coat, but it was cool enough to wear sweatshirts and sweaters.

The other thing I love about fall, pumpkins. I love the taste of pumpkin. Pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, pumpkin soup, pumpkin ice cream (I think you get the picture). I try to stay away from some of the sweet pumpkin stuff, but it is not always easy. So you can imagine how I felt when I walked into McDonald's the other day to get a side salad and saw a sign on the menu board that said "now serving pumpkin milkshakes". Let me back up a moment and tell you that there is a McDonald's within walking distance to my office. Not to worry, I don't go there every day, but when I either don't have time to make a small salad for myself, or I haven't had time to go grocery shopping for veggies, $1.07 is a bargain for a decent salad. But I digress. So all last week I kept thinking about this milkshake. I really, really wanted to try it because I knew it was going to taste good, but I never had the chance. You would think with McDonald's being so close to work that I would have had three or four of these milkshakes by now, but no. I still haven't tried one and, to be honest, I've stopped obsessing about them. It's funny how the mind works. I was pretty focused on the pumpkin milkshake until Friday, when the whole idea of trying a pumpkin milkshake just left my mind. Don't worry readers, I have lost the desire to run to McDonald's and get a pumpkin milkshake, so who knows if I'll try one. I will say this, if I do I will write about it. :)

Happy Fall (lets hope the weather cools down soon!)

About the title...

Well, I survived the weigh in and, in case you're interested, I stayed the same. So I'm still at 262.8 pounds, but that's ok. Considering I am feeling very bloated (ladies, I think you understand what I mean) and I splurged a little last week, I'm pretty happy. I do believe I will have a loss next week, but we'll have to wait and see.

I named this blog 'Don't eat that!' not because it's a witty title (although it is rather witty) but because it is a phrase I heard quite a bit from the time I was 12 until I turned 18. You see, I was not a chubby child. I wasn't skinny, but I wasn't a super chubby kid with the fat face and fat arms. I guess I was somewhat normal in my weight and size. Then I turned 12 and started puberty. That's when everything my metabolism came to a grinding halt. I started to grow taller and I started putting on a lot of weight. I did not change my eating habits to match my metabolism. As the weight began piling on, I began hearing phrases like: "Jennifer, don't eat that", and "You really shouldn't eat that", and "Do you really need another serving?" from my parents, grandparents, and other concerned relatives. I guess they thought saying things like that would help motivate me to put down the bag of potato chips or the bowl of ice cream, but it didn't. You see, I didn't hear the "don't" part. What I hear was "eat that". The more I was told not to eat something, the more I wanted to eat it. The more I ate, the worse I felt about myself. Pretty soon I just stopped listening and got to the point where I am now.

I am no longer a teenager and I have begun to realize that I want to make changes to my lifestyle. I have started exercising more, spending more time outdoors being active than sitting on the couch, and I've started to change what I'm eating. I am no longer devouring an entire bag of potato chips or a half-gallon of ice cream (I've never consumed an entire half-gallon of ice cream in one sitting, but I have eaten one of those Ben and Jerry's containers). When I realized I wanted to change, I began to change. It didn't matter what people said to me before, no one can make you do something. You have to decide you want to do it yourself. I also have supportive people around who say things like: "so what if you ate that candy bar, tomorrow is another day and you will make better choices" or "you look great, keep it up". Taking out the negative has helped me view things in a more positive way (and has helped me to feel a lot better about myself).

So everyone, eat what you want! If you are trying to be healthy, then eat what you want in moderation. Just remember to drop the negative, it will really help keep things positive!

Retail frustrations

I hope everyone out there had a great weekend. Mine wasn't too bad. Food wise, I think I did ok, although I did have some meatloaf (decent portion) and a slice of apple tartin (great cake with apples and caramel on top) with ice cream. I think that was the worst I ate this weekend, so it wasn't too bad. I am meeting with my Jenny Craig consultant this morning. Before I go, I always start thinking about what I ate during the week (and what I should have eaten) and how that could effect my weight loss. I am hopeful that I will have a loss today. You will have to tune in tomorrow to find out.

Saturday evening I went to Kohl's, one of my favorite stores. What I love about Kohl's is that they have a great selection of "women" or plus-size clothes, along with shoes, accessories, make-up, everything to make the girly girl in me very happy. This trip, I wasn't too happy. When I went to the women's section to paw through the clearance racks and see what cute, great buys I could find, I was very disappointed to find that there was mostly maternity clothing on the rack. Now I have nothing against pregnant women and I know they need clothes too, but why do stores have to put them next to the plus-size clothing? I have this same problem with Target. I use to love to shop for clothes at Target because they have a great selection and good bargains. Now, the plus-size section has been taken over by the maternity section and I have to really search to find clothes that are not designed for the mother-to-be. I really hope Kohl's is not going in that direction. They have a huge selection of clothes for women who wear "normal" sizes (whatever that is) why can't the stores have the same kind of selection for those of us who are a little bigger than the norm? I'm beginning to think that, until I can get my butt into a size 14, I will have to shop primarily at Lane Bryant if I want a big selection of cute, fashionable clothes.

So if anyone out there can give me a heads up on other places I can shop, it would be greatly appreciated! Tune in tomorrow to find out if I either had a meltdown in the middle of the Jenny Craig center, or if I jumped up and down like a lunatic. :)

Calling overeaters anonymous

Hello out there. Day two of the new blog and I'm actually posting something. I know you are all excited!

Ok, so yesterday I was doing pretty well. Had a healthy breakfast and lunch. Had my snacks like I am supposed to. Then I got to dinner and all bets were off. Let me set this up for you....

I went to a concert last night with friends. We left for the show around 6pm and, because I wasn't feeling hungry at that time, I didn't eat anything. Well the show ended around 10pm and we went to a Mexican restaurant for dinner. Needless to say, I was feeling pretty hungry by that time. I ordered a shredded chicken breast in a light cream sauce with mushrooms, onions and refried beans, not too bad. Of course the portion was huge and I tried to figure out how much I wanted to eat. Have you ever been in a situation where you're out with friends, talking and eating and not really paying much attention to what you were doing? That was me. Before I new it, I had eaten most of what was on my plate and feeling VERY full. So full that I felt like I was either going to burst like the wafer thin mint man from Monty Python, or that the button of my jeans was going to pop and become embedded in the back of my friend's head. You will be happy to know that didn't happen, but it was not a comfortable ride home.

Needless to say, I did not have the best night last night and this morning I am sitting here thinking about what I should have done differently last night. I do regret eating so much, but I am not going to beat myself up over it. Today is a new day and I have all new choices to make. I will do my best to make the right ones (or at least I won't overeat again).

To all you healthy eaters out there, keep up the good work and don't beat yourself up if you don't make the right choice. Just try to do the best you can and the rest will work out for you. :)

Don't eat that!

Welcome to my blog. I will do my best to be entertaining and I will also do my best to update often. What is this blog about, well, for those of you who are currently dieting or have been struggling to lose weight, this blog will chronical my attempts to lose weight and get healthy. Pretty boring right? Well, I've been trying to lose weight since I was 12 years old and I am now 38 and still trying. So, if you're interested read on!

Ok, I have tried many different things to lose weight: dexatrim (which made me incredibly jumpy), the grapefruit diet (don't ask), south beach, xenical (a lot of pooping, which was pretty gross), quick weight loss - to name a few. I am currently on the Jenny Craig plan, which involves eating prepackaged meals and snacks and meeting with a consultant who is supposed to support you during your weight loss process. I have a great consultant who tries very hard to motivate me, which isn't easy considering most of the time I don't want to be motivated.

So, I weighed in on Monday and met with my consultant. I currently weigh 262.1 pounds. Now this is a first. Like most women (especially fat women) I never tell anyone how much I weigh. It's too embarrassing! Well, since I am going to talk about my weight loss, I thought I would be honest and post what my weight is. I'm hoping this will help motivate me to lose because who wants to write about gaining weight? If I wanted to write about that, I would have called this 'eat all you want'.

My biggest challenge with losing weight is the fact that I like to eat. I like to eat junk food. I like to eat sweets. I like to eat. I've been trying to keep track of what I'm eating in order to keep myself in line, but that's not easy because I'm not honest in my food journal. When you think about it, that's pretty stupid. No one cares that I'm lying, I'm only trying to fool myself. No one is going to yell at me and call me "fat pig" if I write in my journal that I ate 2 candy bars and a bowl of ice cream yesterday (which I really did and the fact that I wrote it here is another first). So, as you can see, yesterday was not one of my better days, but at least those days are few and far between. I use to eat like that almost every day, but I am learning to be healthy (my consultant would love to hear that).

Today is a new day and a chance for me to do better. Whoever is out there reading this, thank you. I hope it was somewhat entertaining. For those of you who are trying to lose weight, keep it up! I hope I can motivate you as you will motivate me.