First I want to say thank you to those of you who are reading and (hopefully) enjoying my blog. Some of you have made nice comments, both here and in person, and I appreciate the love and support.
Last night I started thinking about confidence. There are some people I know who look like they have it together. They seem to know where they are going and they appear comfortable in their skin. I have to wonder if that is really true. I have had people say to me "you really seem focused and you know where you're going." Well, when it comes to my career, I have somewhat of an idea of where I want to go and what I want to accomplish and I feel pretty confident that I will be able to meet the goals I have set for myself. But when it comes to my personal life, that's a whole 'nother story.
I have already shared the fact that my weight problem started when I was 12. As everyone knows, puberty years are hard. Your body begins to change, you begin to notice the opposite sex (or the same sex, depending on your taste), and you develop crushes. During this time clothes, make-up, accessories, become important because you want to attract that special someone. Now I've always been interested in clothes, make-up, hair and accessories, but being a chubby teen, I didn't want to be noticed. Kids are definitely cruel and I had been picked on throughout junior high that, when I got to high school, I just wanted to hide behind big sweaters, baggy jeans, and sweats (it's a good thing I lived in Chicago because I would have died from the heat dressing like that in Florida). During this time I was also told, by the media and by people who were trying to motivate me to change, that the only way I could fall in love and live happily ever after is to be thin. Now when I use the word thin I mean someone who wears a size 10-14. Someone who is not skinny like a model (btw I think most models look anorexic), but someone who is fit and looks good. I am not a size 10-14. I don't remember the last time I wore a size 14, but that is the size I am striving for. So I didn't date in high school and, when I got to college, I still felt uncomfortable with my body and continued to hide. It wasn't until I reached my 30s that I began to feel more comfortable in my skin. Yes, I want to lose weight and be healthy, but I do like the way I am. The only time I feel uncomfortable with myself is when it comes to men. For some reason I have not shaken the thought that a guy will only like me if I'm thin. It amazes me how quickly my confidence level drops when it comes to attracting the opposite sex. I am a firm believer that if you feel beautiful, other people will think you are beautiful too. But when I think about attracting a man, the first thing that comes to my mind is I'm too fat! I use to cope with this by eating or drinking excessively, but not anymore. It took a long time, but I am finally beginning to realize that I am not my weight. I do not walk around with my weight tattooed on my forehead. My size is a part of me, but there is so much more here than meets the eye. So, when the confidence level drops and the old insecurities come back, I just think about all the things that I like about myself and, slowly, the confidence level comes back up again.
To all of you out there who are reading this, I hope you've thought of all the things you like about yourselves. Keep those confidence levels up and keep putting good things out into the universe. Thanks for reading!
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