Bittersweet (not chocolate)

Yes, I'm back. Did you miss me? I took a few days off because I was in Tampa for the weekend and I didn't have time to blog yesterday. BTW, the U2 concert was great, even though getting into the parking lot was a nightmare.

I broke down and went shopping this weekend. Originally, I had promised myself that I wasn't going to buy any new clothes until I lost more weight. But I was in Brandon and the Lane Bryant store at the Brandon Towncenter is bigger and has more styles to choose from than the one in Sarasota, so I couldn't resist. I gathered up two armfuls of clothes and dragged my friend to the dressing room so that I could get a second opinion on how I looked. I think it is a good idea to shop with someone, if you can. Especially someone who is going to be honest and willing to tell you that you look like a cow or that you stomach "shakes like a bowl full of jelly" in different outfits (that is an exact quote from my friend). I ended up buying a dress, which is weird because I hardly ever wear dresses, and a top. Overall, I was pretty happy about what I bought and I think I look pretty cute in the dress, but I wasn't super thrilled about the size of the dress.

I have been struggling a lot with my self-esteem lately. I did go to Jenny Craig yesterday and I gained 2 pounds. I know not every week will be a win, but considering how I've been feeling about myself lately, that was not what I needed. I sat with my consultant as he tried to figure out how to help me. "What is your motivation?" was his question. "I want to be healthy and feel good." was my response. What I should have said was "I've lived practically my whole life as a fat person and I'd like to see what it's like to be thin." I also should have said, "I feel ugly and I feel that I will never be able to attract a man and will grow to be an old spinster and have to depend on my siblings to take care of me and that is not a future that I want." Ok, that's pretty bitter, but it is how I'm feeling. Don't worry, I will not be wallowing in the self-pity party for long. Also, I know that I am not ugly, it's just that it is very hard to hear good things and accept compliments. It is easier to believe the bad stuff and I don't understand why that is. Anyway, my consultant and I did come up with a plan to help motivate me and to help me pay attention to what I'm putting into my mouth. I am excited and I do plan on following through with this. I am slowly beginning to realize that, once I lose the weight, I am not going to be able to eat whatever I want and keep it off. This is a lifestyle change and it is going to take time to undo 26 years of bad eating habits.

Thank you for allowing me to wallow in my pity party for a while. It felt good to get that out of my system. I am now ready to pick myself up and move forward. I am strong, I can do this, and I know good things are in store for me. So to those of you who may be stuck or wallowing in your own pity party, the party's over! Be strong and good things will happen to you too!