This weeks blog is late because it's been really hard for me to pull my thoughts together in order to write. As I reported last week, I am currently in Chicago. Well Alsip, Illinois to be exact. I am sitting in the basement of the home I grew up in and have spent the past week on an emotional roller coaster. Coming up here to help out with my dad, who got out of the hospital 2 weeks ago, has not been easy. It's been hard watching him struggle with his difficulty walking and the fact that he has limited use of his left arm. He is an independent person who has to rely on others to help him get to the bathroom, help him dress, take a shower, cut up his food. I know the situation is not easy for him and, in turn, he becomes frustrated with himself and takes it out on the caregivers.
The week started off rough and I had a lot of flashbacks to my childhood. I am the type of person who does not like conflict. I actually hate it and I try to avoid it as much as possible. So to have to dive head first into a tense and somewhat volatile situation was not easy. Listening to my dad become frustrated and start yelling at my mom, at my brother, and at me was not easy. Sunday was especially rough. By 12:00pm, I was ready to either eat my weight in ice cream or be checked in to the nearest loony bin. Fortunately, neither one of those things happened. As the week progressed, things started to get better. Developing a routine with my dad, especially in the morning, really helped. Also, having a routine set for the shower really helped! I do have to say one thing that I've discovered about my father, he is a strong man. I've always known about his strong personality, his stubborn streak and his strong beliefs, but I've seen another side of his strength over the past few days. It takes a certain kind of strength to give up a part of your independence and not fall into a depression. I know he is worried that he will not be able to walk without a cane and brace and I know he is very worried that he will not be able to move his left arm again, but he continues to try. He goes to therapy three days a week and the days he does not do therapy, he does the recommended exercises and gets out of the house for a walk. The day after he came home from the hospital, my dad could only make it to the neighbor's driveway and back. He was very tired after walking upstairs to the bathroom and he had a difficult time completing the arm exercises. Now, he is walking almost to the end of the block, climbing the stairs without getting tired and completing all the exercises without as much difficulty. He is also more patient with us. I spent some one-on-one time with my dad today and he seemed to be more like his old self. He moved his left arm a little and started talking about getting better and moving past this. I am really proud of him and I truly hope he continues to focus on getting better.
As for myself, I am proud of my own strength. This week I have begun to realize that I can handle confrontation. That I my job is not to save others, but to point them in the direction to save themselves. You see, growing up, I tried to do everything I could to keep myself, my mom, and my brother out of trouble because I didn't like all the yelling and mean things that were said. Once again, I was faced with that same predicament. My dad would get frustrated and yell at my mom. My mom becoming frustrated with my dad and crying. At the beginning of the week, I tried stepping in to stop the yelling and to protect my parents. By Wednesday, I began to realize that was not my job. The only person I can protect is myself. The world does not fall apart when people yell at each other. Yes, it does suck for a while, but you work through it and things start to get better. I also realized that I can deal with my emotional stress and anxiety with exercise, writing, talking to a friend. I don't need to turn to food for that comfort, and I didn't. I'm not sure if I've lost weight, but I can say that I have gained a lot from this experience. I have faced that which is uncomfortable and survived. Food is not my saving grace, I am my own saving grace. For the first time in a long time I truly feel strong and I really feel good about myself.
So I return to Florida on Sunday with a mixture of sadness and relief. I will miss my family and I wish I had more time to spend with them and to help out. I am also relieved to go back to my crazy work schedule and life. I have spent the majority of this year caring for others and I feel I have earned some time to take care of myself. I am really glad I came up to help take care of my dad. My mom and my brothers are doing a fantastic job and I know when I leave he will be in good hands. I am also looking forward to seeing where he is with his recovery when I come back for Christmas. I do feel changed from this experience. Now I have to continue working on my confidence and remembering how I feel right now. I know I will continue to grow stronger and more sure of myself as time goes on. I also know that the weight will continue to come off because I am truly ready to become the person I've always known I could be.
As always, thanks for reading. Until next week, keep moving forward and keep honing your own strength, for there is strength in all of us.
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