Slow and Steady...

Yes, I am back.  I have realized I am not the best blogger in the world.  Ok, maybe that was a bit harsh, I'm not the most consistent blogger in the world.  I have to admit, writers block is a bitch!  My problem is that I have a lot of ideas floating around in my head, but I have a really hard time putting them down on paper.

This idea is something that's been floating around in my head for the past 2 weeks and I think is finally ready to be pinned down.  As you know, I've gone back to Weight Watchers and rejoined the Y near my house, and I have been losing weight.  The problem I've run into is, my weight loss is not very high.  I understand that this is a lifestyle change and I am trying to change years of bad choices, but I have to admit I've been a little frustrated with how slowly the weight is coming off.  I know the saying, slow and steady wins the race, and I know that Weight Watchers is about taking the weight off slowly so it will stay off, but I also know that I do not have a lot of patience and have a tendency to want things to happen faster than they are supposed to.  So I think that is my biggest challenge.

So, this week, when I got on the scale at the WW meeting and saw that I had only lost a pound I was a little upset.  Here I thought, "I had a great week.  I went easy on the alcohol and stayed away from temptation (for the most part).  I exercised and pushed myself, so I should lose 2-3 pounds."  What a letdown.  Sue, the WW consultant who weighed me in did remind me that a loss is a loss and this a slow and steady process.  So this got me to thinking about the movie The Shawshank Redemption.

If you've never seen this movie, please take the time to do so it is really good!  That being said, if you haven't seen this movie and you plan to, this is a SPOILER ALERT.  Please stop reading or I will spoil the end of the movie for you.  Ok, now that I have that out of the way, the reason I started thinking about the Shawshank Redemption is because, in the movie, Andy DuFrane uses small stone carving instruments to tunnel his way out of Shawshank Prison.  Now, mind you, this was not an overnight thing, this was a long process.  Andy was in prison for several years before he finally tunneled his way to freedom.  Every night, after lights out, he would move a large poster he had on his wall, use the smaller carving instrument, and work on his tunnel.  As thoughts of this movie entered my mind, I began to see myself as Andy, slowly chipping away at my own prison until the time comes and I am free.

So that is what I am doing.  I am making healthy choices and chipping away at my weight 1 pound at a time and soon I will be free.

What do you feel passionate about?

About a week ago I was sitting in a weight watchers meeting when the leader asked, what do you feel passionate about?  The theme of that meeting was how to keep motivated to reach your goal.  The question really got me thinking, what do I feel passionate about?

Well, it took some time for me to mull it over but here is a list of some things I feel passionate about:

Family - I love my family dearly and would do anything I could for them.  My family is my rock and they provide a lot of support for me.  I don't live close to my family, my parents and two brothers are in the Chicago area and my sister and brother-in-law live in Massachusetts, so I don't get to see them very often, but when I do, I savor every minute.

Friends - I have a few close friends whom are like my family.  My friends brighten my day.  They provide laughter, tears, love, and support when I need it.  I have a few friends in particular who always seem to know exactly what I need to hear, even though I really don't want to hear it.

 Career - Notice I didn't say "work", although I do like my job, I am very passionate about my career.  As you know, I'm a counselor (well, to be technical, I'm a Licensed Mental Health Counselor) and my passion is to help others.  I have two goals when it comes to career, to have my own practice and to obtain my Ph.D.  Right now, I am contracting with a substance abuse treatment program in St. Pete, which I love because I actually get to do face to face counseling.  My hope is to be able to make other contacts and possibly grow this experience into a practice of my own.  As far as the Ph.D part goes, I plan to apply to a program this fall and hopefully start in 2013, which, truthfully, scares the crap out of me, but the biggest plunges are the scariest.

Health - I decided not to list weight loss here because, actually, losing the weight is a small part of being healthy.  I want to be more active and I don't want to worry about having to deal with knee problems, back problems, heart problems, I think you get the picture.  So, to me, eating healthy, exercising, and losing weight is the key to being healthy.  I also want to travel and try new things and I don't want my excess weight to get in the way.

So, that is the list of my main passions and some plans for my future.  Writing down my passions and my goals solidifies my commitment to make them happen.  So, if you keep reading, I will keep you posted on my progress.  Also, Newton was right, what goes up does go down because I lost 2 pounds!

What are you passionate about?  Feel free to leave a comment and I will be happy to provide support!

What goes up...

Isaac Newton wrote his theory of gravity in the late 17th century, which basically stated, what goes up inevitably must come down.  I've been thinking a lot about this theory over the past week.  No, I am not planning to test the theory of gravity because I firmly believe it exists.  I was thinking about things going up and down after weighing in at my Weight Watchers meeting to discover I went up 1.4 pounds this week.

Now this may not seem like a lot, but I was sad and frustrated with myself when I got on the scale.  At first, I couldn't figure out what I did to cause the gain.  But when I looked back on what I ate and drank the week before, I could see what happened.  I guess that's the beauty of tracking what you eat, you can see where you screwed up.

Like everything in life, I know weight loss has it's ups and downs and it can be difficult to maintain momentum when facing a gain, even a small one.  What I discovered this week is it is not what is on the scale that is important, but the commitment to change.  Just like gravity pulls things back down to the ground, my weight will also go down if I stay committed to eating healthy and exercising.  I know I will have weak moments where I will overindulge, the key is to get right back on track and not allow myself to fall apart because I strayed off track.

This is true not just with weight loss, but with any goal that we set for ourselves.  There will be times when things go off track or don't work out the way we plan.  As long as we can pick ourselves up and get right back on track, we will eventually reach our goal.

So, if you've gone up and off course in your own journey, just remember Newton's theory and the idea that things will eventually fall back into place.  :-)

Just like starting over

Hello readers.  Yes, it's been a while.  I have to say, I've been suffering from writers block when it comes to the old blog.  But that has passed and I am back with more fun weight loss adventures.  :)

Actually, the blog isn't the only thing I've been neglecting.  I recently went back to Weight Watchers after not going to any meetings or tracking my food for over 3 months.  I have to say, I was a little hesitant about going back.  I was sure when I got on the scale I would be back to my original start weight and have to start all over again.  So I was very surprised when I got on the scale and had lost 1.4 pounds.  I was so shocked that I asked the woman if I could get off and get back on the scale to make sure it was correct.  I guess I did learn something from attending meetings and tracking food because I went for 3 months on my own and still lost some weight.  Now, mind you, I don't believe I can completely do this on my own.  I do feel that I have better success when I am paying attention to what I am eating and writing down my food and activity.  It was just nice to not have to start all over again.  It was also nice to attend a meeting and be welcomed back to Weight Watchers.  It didn't matter that I hadn't been to a meeting in over 3 months, what was important was that I was there and that I participated in the discussion.

I do still believe I can lose weight and get healthy.  It's a journey and, sometimes, I get sidetracked.  The important thing is to get back on the road.  So thank you for reading and I promise you won't have to wait another month for a new post. :)

Spring Awakenings

Ah Spring, flowers blooming, trees start to get their leaves, my allergies to pollen kick up, but I digress.

I've always viewed Spring as a time of awakening, renewal.  When things come back to life after being dormant all winter.  For myself, this is also a time for change.  This is the time when I go through my clothes, put away the winter sweaters (not that I wear all that many sweaters in Florida) and start to bring out the summery clothes.  Spring is also a good time to make changes to routines.

In my last post I wrote about how I was in a rut and what I was going to do about it.  Well, I did rejoin the YMCA and have started going to yoga and spin classes and, let me tell you, they have both kicked my butt!  The first spin class I took I thought, this won't be so bad.  I like riding my bike and how hard could it be to ride a stationary bike.  Well, let me tell you, it's pretty hard.  First off, the seat is not that comfortable.  My butt seriously began to hurt during the first 5 minutes of class.  Secondly, the intervals, going from fast to even faster, are pretty tough to keep up with.  Pair that up with standing and pedaling the bike for long periods of time and you get quite a workout.  I wasn't able to stay "up in the saddle" as it's called for the whole time, but I plan to continue with spin classes and, hopefully, I will get to the point where I can keep up with everyone else.

Yoga is very different from spin class.  I never really realized just how much of a workout your muscles get during yoga.  I always looked at it as stretching and breathing, focusing on meditation.  In actuality, you do some stretching and you also hold your body in different poses, working muscles that I haven't used in a long time.  The last class I took, the muscles in my arms burned so much I was beginning to wonder if I would be able to use them again.  Well I was and the pain did not last that long.  I am very surprised at the workout I get from yoga.  I am also surprised at how refreshed and relaxed I feel after class.  Here I am, holding my body in ways it's not use to, muscles burning and sweat pouring down my face and yet I feel centered.  I am focused on my breathing and all the noise in my head quiets for that hour.  It is a really great feeling and I have to say that I really enjoy the yoga classes I have attended.

So I plan to continue with yoga and spin class and I hope to try some of the other classes the Y has to offer.  I feel really good about my exercise routine, it's not as boring and stagnant as it was a month ago.  Next thing to work on changing is my eating habits, primarily my portion sizes, and we will talk about that in another blog.  If anyone out there has tried another type of exercise or exercise class that they would like to share with me, I'm open to suggestions.

Happy Spring!

Blah!

I have the winter blahs.  Yes, I know, I live in Florida and I'm sure many of you are wondering how I can have the winter blahs when I live in the Sunshine State, where the temperature rarely drops below 30 degrees.  Well I do.

I think part of my problem is that I'm stuck.  Stuck in a rut.  I'm stuck in a rut that is only going to get worse now that I am working from home because I will be spending a lot of time in my house.  Not at an office, interacting with others.  Not having a purpose to really care about what I'm wearing, how my hair looks, and whether or not I have make up on.  Now, I am not at this state yet, but if I don't do something to change the rut I soon will be.

A big part of my issue is that I've stopped taking care of myself.  A few years ago I use to work out 5 days a week.  I worked with a personal trainer, I did weights, cardio, classes, you name it.  Now, I barely get out and walk and it has been months since I stepped into a gym.  Also, I stopped going to Weight Watchers meetings.  I think I subconsciously decided to stop after the realization set in that I will be a member for one year this month and I still weigh pretty close to the same weight I did when I started.

What happened?  Where did my motivation go?  Is it really that much easier to sit on the couch and watch tv as it is to get on the treadmill or eliptial machine and watch tv?  There was a time when I use to watch a lot of tv while working out, and I felt good about it.  Now, not so much.

So, what to do about it...  I could continue to whine, but that is not going to do me any good.  This week I heard someone say, in order to snap someone out of a mood and get them to face the problem is to ask "What are you going to do about it?"  So I've asked myself that question, and you know what, it worked.  The little pity party I was having in my head stopped.  The ideas of blaming my current situation on someone else stopped.  I like to consider myself a bright woman, so I really know what to do and have no one to blame but myself.

So today I will rejoin the gym where I use to work out, the one I went to 5 days a week and took advantage of the classes, the indoor track, and all the things it had to offer.  Then I will start going.  I want to try a spin class and I want to swim.  I also want to work myself back into running.  I may possibly be one of the few people out there who is re-starting the Couch to 5K app for the third time, but it doesn't matter.  What matters is I know what I need to do to get out of the blahs.  I know what I need to do to feel good about myself and I'm going to start doing it, because if I don't take care and make myself feel good, no one will.

So here is a little taste of what it is like down here in Sarasota.  February and March are great times to come visit, if anyone is interested. 

This is a photo of Siesta Key Beach in Sarasota, even more beautiful in person.

Happy February everyone!  Avoid the winter blahs. :)

Word of the Year

One thing I am trying to do this year is open myself up to the blogging community.  As I read other people's blogs, I am noticing a connection to what I am going through.  i have also noticed that several of my fellow bloggers are participating in an exercise called Word for the Year.  This is a word that you choose (or maybe it chooses you) as an inspiration or for guidance.  Now I know it is the end of January, but it's still the beginning of the year, so I think I can get this in under the wire.  I have decided to pick a word for this year and that word is:

Believe

-verb 1. to accept as true or as speaking the truth

2. to think; suppose

3. to accept the truth of something

A relatively simple word, but something that is so hard for me to do.  No that's not entirely true, I don't have any problems believing in other people.  What I have a hard time doing is believing in myself. 

In some ways, I think this word chose me.  On Christmas Eve, my sister gave me a pendant that she order from my friend, and fellow blogger, Leanne's Etsy store (chaostohappiness on Etsy, it's great and I suggest you check it out).  The pendant said believe:

It wasn't an early Christmas gift, my sister said she saw it and thought of me, so she bought it for me.  That was the beginning. 

The theme of the January 2nd Weight Watchers meeting was Believe and, after a rough weigh in, the consultant asked me what I believe.  At first I said, "I don't know" (I think I was reeling from the fact that I had gained 7 pounds in 2 weeks).  Then I haltingly answered, "I believe in me.  I believe I can lose weight."  Later it hit me.  I don't think I have ever really told myself that I believe I can lose weight.  I've never really had the belief in myself and my success. 

So this year I believe in me.  I believe I can lose weight.  I believe I will go back to school.  I believe my confidence will soar and I will get stronger.

I believe in me, what a powerful thing to say.

So, how about you?  It's not too late to pick a word four your year.  If you decide to do this, let me know.  I believe 2012 will be a great year for everyone!

Here is a better picture of the design that is on the pendant:

I know I already plugged Leanne's shop, but if you have a chance, do check it out.  She is a talented artist and really does some beautiful things!  www.etsy.com/shop/chaostohappiness :)

   

 

Calm

Happy New Year everyone.  Another year, another list of hopes and dreams that I would like to accomplish.  But this blog entry is not going to be my list of resolutions, it is going to be a little different because what I would like to try and do this year is a little different.

A few weeks ago, I got into a long conversation with a friend at work about his theory regarding calm.  He believes we all have moments of "being in the calm", a place of truth where we have a clear understanding of our experience.  He talked about what it is like to communicate with someone while in this state and how you can gain clarity of not only what someone else's ideas and goals are, but your own as well.  He also talked about asking for things while we are in this state and how we are more likely to get what we ask for when we are calm and true then when we are outside of the calm and too busy thinking about things that don't matter.  I told him that I wasn't sure if I ever experienced "being in the calm".  He said maybe that was because I was in my head too much.  This is true, I spend a lot of time thinking.  Thinking about other people, other things, what I want to accomplish, the future.  My head buzzes with thoughts and sounds that never seem to end.  I have often thought that the noise in my head could fill an entire room and that I don't need background noise because my thoughts are so loud.

Now I look at "being in the calm" as being in a meditative state.  A place where the noise in your head shuts off and you focus on your breathing.  Some people think they hear God while in this state, others connect with nature and still other connect with themselves.  No matter what your beliefs are, taking time to quiet your head and get in touch with yourself is important.  When we push out the unimportant thoughts that clutter our minds, what is left is what's important, our hopes and dreams and things we really want to accomplish.

As our conversation ended, I felt myself "being in the calm".  I wasn't focused on all the thoughts whirling around my head.  I was focused on my friend and I was in the here and now and it was quiet.  What an experience, to actually have that quiet and to hear the whispers of my goals and dreams.

That is what I want to accomplish this year.  I want to work on shutting off the noise in my head and listening to what my heart truly has to say.  I think I will surprise myself.

I wish everyone peace and some quiet in the new year.  May you all discover your own calm.

A Come to Jesus

Well, it is now December.  I have no idea what happened to November.  I can't believe a month went by and I have not updated my blog.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's just that my last posting was rather dark and that dark mood seemed to follow me through most of November that I didn't want my blog to become too depressing.

Oh, who am I kidding, I lost my motivation.  I've lost my motivation about a lot of things and if finally reached a point where I needed to do something about it.  So, one afternoon I took myself out for coffee and for a Come to Jesus meeting with myself.  Strange?  Yeah, it probably was.  Necessary?  Definately!

I assume everyone knows what a Come to Jesus meeting is.  Usually it's something you have with someone else when they are not doing something you need them to do or when you are worried about them.  Hence the Come to Jesus meeting with myself.  What does a Come to Jesus meeting with yourself look like?  Well it looks a little like this:
"Ok, you're unhappy.  The weight isn't changing.  Your motivation to exercise and follow the Weight Watchers plan has lagged.  You are stubborn and continue to do the same thing over and over and over again and expect a different result.  If I didn't know you so well, I would think you were insane."
"What do you mean I'm insane?  I'm not doing the same thing over and over, oh wait, you're right.  Maybe I am insane!  Maybe I should have my brain checked.  If I checked myself into the crisis unit, do you think they'd give me my own room?"
"Stop it!  You are not insane.  Lazy at times and lacking in motivation, but not insane.  It is time to take this seriously.  Do you like how you are now?  If so, then don't do anything, but I kind of get the idea that you are not happy."
"You're right.  I'm not happy and I know what to do about it.  The problem is I'm feeling stuck and am having a hard time unsticking myself."

Please note that this conversation went on in my head and was written out on paper in my journal while I drank my coffee.  I was not sitting in a coffee shop talking to myself.  Had I done that, I may have ended up in the crisis unit and would have that wonderful experience to write about.

The truth is, I got to the point where I was tired of feeling down and stuck.  I'm not stuck, I just needed to readjust my priorities.  Thanksgiving was a great time for that.  I had been wallowing in the fact that I was not where I wanted to be with my weight loss, that I lost sight of the things that I had accomplished.  I'm a licensed mental health counselor who has a decent paying job that I like.  I have an opportunity to branch out and start moving towards my own practice.  I have friends and family who love and support me (even though, at times, I'm sure they think I'm nuts).  The weight loss will happen in it's own time, but it won't happen if I allow myself to get bogged down with the woulda, shoulda, couldas.  I have a lot to be proud of and thankful for, I just had to confront myself in order to see it. 

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.  I will have a full weight report next week (I've skipped Weight Watchers that past 2 weeks).  Thank you, as always for your support.  It truly helps and means the world to me. :)   

Losing control, losing momentum

I have no control.  It's true, I have absolutely no control when it comes to food, finances, life in general.  I believe I have been living without control for quite some time, only I didn't really know it.  I have been operating for quite some time under a facade, I relatively successful independent woman, when underneath I'm not.

Heavy, I don't really mean to be.  The past week and a half has not been easy for me.  My job has changed and I've said goodbye to some friends at work, including a great supervisor.  To celebrate the end of a contract and the promise of something new, the office was filled with food.  Cake, cookies, cupcakes, pizza, chips, chocolate, you name it.  You name it, I ate it.  Which is why I was up another 1.4 pounds this week.

I suppose I could blame the weight gain on my menstrual cycle, but I'm not.  I'm going to blame it on the fact that I can't seem to let go of using food for comfort.  I am going to blame it on the fact that I have no control and, where a normal person would have one normal size piece of cake, I have to have two.  Or I have to have three or four frosted sugar cookies instead of one, or I can't just eat one piece of chocolate...  I think you get the idea.

In the past I have written about sugar being my drug.  I think I am fully beginning to understand how someone can become addicted to drugs or alcohol or anything for that matter.  There is something that happens within us when we reach for that "forbidden" item.  Maybe it is a rush of doing something that you know you shouldn't do.  Maybe it is the fact that the item give you a bit of a high, alters your reality, or makes you feel good for a period of time.  Not that sugar is quite as mind altering as certain drugs, but there is something that happens with your body chemistry when you eat sugar that gives you an euphoric feeling.  For me, food that has tasted good (mostly anything with sugar) was an escape for a short period of time.  Oh, and I'm really good at hiding just how much I'm eating, that is until I get on the scale (but I've talked about that before too).

So I'm struggling with control.  To my credit, I don't bring a lot of sugar into my house.  I don't buy cakes or cookies or candy.  I reserve most of my baking to breads or savory items and, if I do make something sweet, I either make it as a dessert when I'm having people over for dinner, or I bring it to work or give it to someone.  It's the moments when I'm feeling vulnerable, scared, sad, that I lose control. 

I've read the books, I've read articles, and I've heard people talk about how weight loss is about behaviors change and you have to find your food triggers.  They give suggestions for things to do when you feel like eating, go for a walk, call a friend, focus on another activity that makes you feel good.  What they fail to realize is, like any other addict, it is when you are at your most vulnerable that you reach for that one thing you know will make you feel better, if only for a little while.

That is where my problem lies.  Who wants to be vulnerable?  Being vulnerable is being weak.  It is admitting that you need help.  It leaves you open to hurt.  But being vulnerable also means that you are human.  There is a strength in vulnerability that I don't think we realize.  As I've continued to open myself up through this blog and put my own vulnerability on the line, I am also becoming stronger.  Yeah, I'm not perfect.  I'm not the facade that I put on for others.  What I am is a single woman struggling to make ends meet.  Trying to fulfill my dreams, scared to death that I am going to fall on my face.  I am someone who truly enjoys helping others, but I have absolutely no idea how to help myself.  So I eat.

So, now that I have poured all this out to you, my friends, what to do now.  Well, I fell down.  It's nothing new, I do it all the time bother literally and figuratively.  So I will pick myself up, treat my wounds, and get back on the path.  As scary as this was to write and as scary as it is knowing this will be out there for anyone to read, I actually feel a sense of relief.  If you are struggling with issues in your own life, I hope, as you read this, you will know that you are not alone.  You are also strong and you will move past this as well.

Thank you as always for reading and for your encouraging comments.  :)

Years go by

I had a birthday this year.  I realize this is a stupid statement because everyone has a birthday every year.  But I had a big birthday this year.  One that I was in complete denial about that I had to leave the country to try and forget about it.  Yes my friends, I turned 40 on July 6th and spent my birthday in England, well London, actually at the Tower of London to be exact.

Why am I writing about this now?  Well, like I said, I've been in denial over my age and I actually came face to face with it over the weekend.  Last Saturday I watched the movie Pearl Jam 20 directed by Cameron Crowe.  The movie documented the band's beginnings in 1990, the release of "10" in 1991 and the band's subsequent rise to fame.  The movie showed clips of the young members in Seattle in 1991 and interviews with the band members today.  As I watched the movie, I realized that the members of Pearl Jam were my age or one to two years older.  As I looked at what the members looked like today, it hit me, I was no longer in my twenties.  Hell, I'm no longer in my thirties.  I had reached the age that I thought was way off in the distance. 

After the movie was over, I went into the bathroom to get cleaned up for work.  I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "Where did these lines in my forehead come from?  Where did these lines around my eyes and mouth come from?  What happened to the young, idealistic woman I use to be?"

The truth is, I grew up.  Time has a funny way of sneaking up on you like that.  I am no longer the young, carefree person I was when I was 20, back when my only concerns were whether or not I was going to class that morning and scraping together $5-10 for pitchers of beer at the college bar (God I miss the days of the $3 pitcher).  Now, I have a career and bills and my taste in beer has matured from Miller Light.  I worry about the economy and my job.  I worry about my health, my parents' health, and trying to make ends meet.  I wonder if I'll ever get married and have children or if I will continue to be single.  The highs and the lows of the last 20 years of my life play out in my face and, the more I look at it, the more I like it.  The fact that I have laugh lines speaks to all of the good times I have had and the fact that I prefer to laugh at things, rather than take everything so seriously.

Overall, the last 20 years haven't been that bad.  I have had the opportunity to do a lot of great things and have a lot of memories that I cherish.  As I finished getting ready to go to work, I closed the door to my denial over my age.  I don't look like I'm 40 and I certainly don't act like it.  This is a new chapter in my life, one that I am ready to face as a confident and somewhat slimmer person.  I am ready for new adventures and challenges and I plan to make the most of every day.  Twenty years from now, I hope I can look back with fondness over how I spent the next 20 years.

I lost 0.2 pounds.  A little disappointing considering how much I exercised and tried to watch my food intake last week, but a loss is a loss no matter how small.  I worked out 4 days last week and spent 2 days pulling weeds, digging, and doing various jobs around the yard (and that was when I really felt my age.  It takes a lot longer now to bounce back from vigorous workouts than it did when I was in my 20's).

So remember, you are only as old as you feel, so continue to think and feel young!  Thank you all again for your support and comments, both here and on my FB page, and thanks for reading!

A picture of me at the Tower of London on my birthday.

My Second Job?

Good morning everyone.  It is currently 9:50am here in Florida and I am wondering why I am still awake.  This may sound a little strange, but since I work from 10:30pm to 7:00am it is strange for me to be up at this time.  The fact is that I just finished a phone interview for a position within the company I currently work for and I'm a little keyed up, and since I haven't posted a new blog for this week, I decided to write.

I am going to brag about two people that I know and love, my sister and brother-in-law.  At the beginning of the year, my sister and brother-in-law decided they wanted to get healthy and lose weight.  So, with some support, they changed their diets and started exercising.  Now for the bragging part, so far my brother-in-law has lost 164 pounds and my sister has lost about 100 pounds.  I cannot tell you how proud I am of them and how much of an inspiration they have been to me!

I bring this up because I was talking to my sister last week about her weight loss and she told me that others have said she's been an inspiration to them as well.  I asked her how she responds when people say that and she said, having a strong support system and exercise have been the keys to her success.  Since I've been in a bit of an exercise slump lately, I asked my sister what motivates her to exercise.  She said, "I look at it as a job.  I don't really want to do it, but I know I have to." 

I can't explain it, but that statement really hit me.  My sister works out five days a week and, by looking at it as a job, something she has to do, she actually does it.  Well, after talking with my sister, I got back to the gym and started weight training again.  I even managed to exercise after work, before going to bed.  So far I have worked out four days this week and I feel pretty great.  When I am struggling to get to the gym or to get out and run, I just think "This is my job.  I have no choice, I have to do this" and it works.  I know that I lose weight faster when I exercise, along with having more energy and feeling better about myself, thanks to the endorphins.  I even shared this wisdom during my Weight Watchers meeting on Monday and several people agreed that was a good way to motivate themselves to exercise.  So a big THANK YOU to my sister for helping me to get out of my exercise slump and a bit THANK YOU to both my sister and brother-in-law for continuing to motivate me with their successes.  I know if they can do it, I can too!

I did lose 1.6 pounds this week, so I've lost half of what I gained.  I am hoping to have lost the rest of the weight I recently gained plus some extra this coming week.  Also, the supervisory position I wrote about in a previous post fell through.  So I have a job at my current company until 12/30 and I am hoping to be hired for the position I interviewed for this morning, which is similar to what I am doing now, except working with the commercial EAP accounts.  If I do get this position, there is a possibility to move into a supervisory position at a later date.  Good thoughts, vibes, and prayers are welcomed and appreciated and I will keep you updated.

So, as the weather cools off and before it gets too cold, get outside and enjoy the fall (yes, fall has finally reached Florida.  It was 60 degrees out when I left work this morning!)  What motivates you?  If you'd like to share any motivating thoughts or sayings, please leave me a comment, I'd love to read them. :)

Blurred vision

I've been thinking a lot lately about something one of my professors said in my intro to counseling class, if you want to change something in your life, you must first visualize what that change will be like for you.  It is that visual image that will help motivate you to reach your goals.  Why have I been thinking about this, because I think my vision is blurred.

I've been off the wagon lately as far as my food intake and exercise plans are concerned.  Somehow, I've lost the vision behind losing weight and, with that, I've also lost my motivation.  Now I know there are things I can do to help me visualize what it will be like when I'm at my goal weight.  I can cut out pictures of healthy, thin bodies and glue my head to them (I know some people who have done this), but that has never really appealed to me.  Instead, I pulled out some old photos of me from when I was at my heaviest and thought about the person I was then compared to who I am now.  In spite of the backwards steps I have experienced recently, I really feel like I've come along way.  When I looked at the photos, I saw someone who was trying to hide behind big clothes, long hair, and a big body.  Back then, I was shy and lacked the confidence and strength I have now.  I feel I was just existing during that phase in my life and not taking the active role in my life that I am now.  I weigh 22 pounds less than I did 10 years ago and, although it may not seem like much, for me it has meant a huge change.

So I have my visualization.  If I feel empowered right now with the small weight loss, imagine how empowered I will feel once I reach my goal.  My ego may become too big to be held in any room! (Just kidding).  My vision is clearing, I know where I want to go, I know what I want to look like, and I know what I need to do and I plan to do it!

Last week I talked about decisions I needed to make regarding my job.  I have decided to stay at my current job.  I was offered an extension through the end of the year.  Hopefully, during that time, the company will either get the contract with the Army, or another opportunity to move into a supervisory position will open up.  Either way, I have a good feeling about staying.  I feel this is where I need to be right now.  Thank you to everyone who either left a comment for me here or on my facebook page.  Your thoughts and encouragement are very helpful, especially when I'm not feel that sure about myself.

I gained 0.8 pounds this week, but this will be the end of the weight gain.  The leader of my Weight Watchers meeting said something that made me think about my own weight loss.  She shared that she was a slow loser, losing about 0.4 pounds a week and, if she went on a binge, she would gain 2 pounds in 1 week, undoing 5 weeks of work.  She said that she would think about that whenever she had the urge to splurge and, instead of eating the whole cake or overindulging in alcohol, would have one slice or one drink.  Something for me to think about since it will take 3-4 weeks for me to lose what I have gained.  So I will visualize what that looks like for me and I will enjoy my life, in moderation.

Visualize your dreams and make them a reality.  :)

Decisions, decisions

Happy October everyone!  As you know from my "Fall" post, this is one of my favorite months and the weather here in Sarasota has been cooperating (2 days with the air conditioner off and the windows open, then had to turn the air back on).  Hopefully the cooler weather will make an appearance sooner rather than later. :)

Recently I've had to make some decisions regarding work.  For those of you who don't know, I am a licensed mental health counselor (long title, but best way to describe what I do) and for the past year I have worked for Ceridian under the Military OneSource (MOS) contract.  What is that?  Well MOS is the employee assistance program for the military and my job is to help service members and family members get set up with counseling.  I work in a call center, so I do the counseling and assessments over the phone, which has been a new experience for me because I am use to working with children and providing face to face counseling.  Well, back in August, I learned that the Department of Defense (who gave Ceridian the MOS contract) decided to give the MOS contract to a different vendor, which means, as of October 30th, I will no longer have a job under this contract.  Scary, yes, but not as scary as when I lost my job last year.  At least this time, I had some time to try and figure out what I was going to do.  Well here I am in October and I am still not absolutely sure what I want to do.  I have 2 different job offers that I am trying to decide between.  One is continuing working for Ceridian under a different contract.  It is a supervisory position and offers me the opportunity to do something different and a significant pay increase, that is, if the company gets the contract.  The other job is working for another agency located in Clearwater working with mentally ill adults.  This job give me the opportunity to work with adults, which I haven't done, and is an actual position that is ready for me to take.  The downside is the salary is the same as I am making now and I will be traveling farther to get to work.  What to do, what to do...

On top of that, I would really like to go back to school to get my PhD. and I would like to move towards starting my own practice.  So, as you can see, there is a lot going on.  As I sit here writing, the thought "If I was granted a job wish, what would it be?' entered into my head.  If I did not have to worry about collecting a regular paycheck and did not need health insurance, I would focus on starting my own practice and put my energy into that.  But, alas, I have not recently won the lottery nor have I met an incredibly rich man who wants to make all my dreams come true.  I am a single woman who needs a regular paycheck and health insurance if I want to continue to live in a house, drive a car, and have food to eat.  So I have to table that dream for right now, but it is something that will happen.  I will have my own practice one day!

So, for now, it's trying to make a work decision that is right for me.  I think I know which way I am going to go, I just need to take a few deep breaths, build up my confidence, and make my choice.  I will let you know what I decide.

So, this was not the best week for me.  I gained 2.2 pounds this week, partially due to my monthly cycle (sometimes it's just so great to be a woman), and to the fact that I was off my game as far as what I was eating.  When I looked back on what I ate last week, I realized that I was not getting in as many fruits and vegetables as I normally do.  So that is the focus for this week.  Hopefully it will show on the scale!

To everyone out there who has their own tough decisions to make, or who have made them and are second guessing themselves, know you are not alone.  Feel free to share your thoughts with me, or if you are in need of good thoughts passed your way, let me know.  I am always happy to send good thoughts to my friends!

Inspiration and Transformation

Last week was challenging.  Stress, lack of motivation, and frustration at myself left me feeling like an emotional mess by the time Sunday night rolled around.  I was feeling pretty low and beginning to doubt that I was going to be able to reach any my goals.  So when the alarm clock went off at 8:30am on Monday, the last thing I wanted to do was get up and go to a Weight Watchers meeting.  I felt like I had been run over by a bulldozer and I just wanted to find a big rock to crawl under and hide from everything.

What did I do?  I got up, got dressed and went to the meeting, and I am so glad that I did.  This week, the focus was on inspiration and motivation.  The group leader asked use all to write down what it was that made us decide to join WW.  While we were writing, she shared her story about how she had been in poor health due to her weight, suffering from diabetes and high blood pressure, and she realized the only way she could get that under control was to lose weight.  Some of the other members shared their stories, some had health reasons, others were tired of the way they looked and the comments they received from friends and loved ones, most of the members who shared their stories had been WW members before.  I decided to share my story.  As those of you who have been following my blog before know, I've been battling my weight for quite some time and, although this is my first time joining WW, I have been on several other diets that have not worked for me.  I told the group that, when I walked through the WW door that February day, I was tired of the way I looked.  I was tired of looking at myself in the mirror every January and seeing the same fat person staring back at me.  I also talked about how I celebrated a big birthday this year and decided that I was ready to take control of my eating and my relationship with food.

It felt really good to share and to realize that I am not alone on this journey.  After talking about what motivated us to join, we wrote down why we were there, at the meeting, week after week.  My answer was short, I am doing this for me.  As I looked at my answer, I began to think of the things I have started doing for myself and the ways I have started to put myself first, rather than hide behind others, and it felt good.  As the meeting was wrapping up, the group leader talked about Dr. Oz's Million Dollar Transformation Challenge.  The Dr. Oz show has partnered with WW to help motivate people to make healthy changes in their lives and, by making these transformation, you could win one million dollars.  My group leader told everyone that, if they wanted, they could pick up an application to join the challenge and encouraged everyone to watch the Dr. Oz show that afternoon.  As the meeting ended, I was sitting and talking to two women that I have become friends with and one of them looked at me and said, "You should do this.  You should sign up to win the million dollars."  Well I looked at her and laughed, not sure what to say, when the group leader came over to me and said the same thing.  I think I gave them a look that said, "Are you crazy", when the group leader said she thought I would be a perfect candidate to transform my life.  As my two friends shook their heads in agreement, I realized that there were three people who didn't know me that well, but firmly believed that I could transform my life.  Talk about a big jolt of inspiration!  If these people who I have only had contact with during WW meetings firmly believed I have what it takes to transform my life, why didn't I?  So I took an application and filled it out and I watched the Dr. Oz show and completed the online application.  Who knows, I may be one of the finalist on the show in May, I may just be the one who wins the million dollars.  Whether I win or not, I will transform myself, from the inside out, and I will continue with this journey.

Last week, I gained 1.6 pounds.  This week I lost half of it, 0.8.  I am happy for any loss because it is another step in the right direction.  Overall I have lost 15.4 pounds since I started this journey.

So, as I close this blog entry on inspiration, I want to share one more person who has also inspired me when it comes to writing and being creative.  I recently reconnected with my friend Leanne from college through Facebook.  Leanne has a blog call From Chaos Comes Happiness,  fromchaoscomeshappiness.blogspot.com, where she has written about the ups and downs in her creative and personal life and does it in such a way that, even when she is going through tough times, she still manages to be positive.  I have linked Leanne's blog and I encourage you to check it out.  I hope you will find it as inspiring as I have!

Who or what inspires you?  Leave me a message, I'd love to know. 

Now, go out and be inspired to reach your goals!

Fall

Since tomorrow is the first day of fall and we are coming up on the end of September, I have been thinking a lot about the fall. The temperatures begin to drop. There is a crisp feeling in the air where you don't quite need a coat outside, but you need a sweatshirt or sweater. The leaves begin to change and thoughts turn to Halloween and Thanksgiving. Overall, this is my favorite time of year. Or at least it was until I moved to Florida, the place where fall doesn't exist.

Ok, I know my friends who live in the north are probably going to tell me to stop whining because Florida is a great place to live in the winter. Which is true. The problem is that I've been dealing with hot and humid weather since the end of April and, by the time October gets here, I'm really tired of it. It should not be 90+ degrees with 100% humidity in October. Also, the leaves don't change color down here and by the time October comes, I'm tired of having my house closed up and running the air conditioner.

Yes, I am complaining. October has always been one of my favorite months. I can remember as a child, breaking out my favorite sweaters and planning my Halloween costume. As I got older, there were bonfires and sweatshirts and that invigorating feeling of the seasons changing.

I don't feel that now. Now I just feel the anticipation of when the heat will break. I've been living in Florida for 11 years and you'd think I'd be use to it by now. But I'm not. Every October I become nostalgic for crisp weather, changing leaves, hay rides, and cold Halloweens. Thank you all for letting me whine a bit and wax nostalgic for a bit.

What is your favorite season? Or any thoughts on Fall? Leave me a comment, I'd love to hear from you. Happy Fall!  

The Perfect Week...

What would the perfect week look like? That was the question that was posed during the Weight Watchers meeting last week. I know that they were talking about a perfect week ont he plan, but it started me thinking about what a perfect week in my life would look like.

Well I don't know about a perfect week, but a good week would go like this:

• I would get off work on time and go home without feeling like I was going to fall asleep (something that could happen when you work the overnight shift)


• I would get more than 4 hours of sleep during the day


• Disruptions would be down to a minimum (including cat disruptions)


• I would go to the gym 4 days that week


• I would honestly track everything and lose 5 pounds that week


• I would take time to do something I enjoy


• The man of my dreams would arrive at my house with beautiful flowers wanting to take me away to his private island (ok, so I've moved from good week to fantasy land) :)

Some of these items I can actually do. Sometimes I just get so caught up with the ins and outs of daily life that I don't take time to do things I enjoy. The problem is, I'm not exactly sure what I would like to do if I had time available. I feel a little stuck and this carried over into my week last week.

I did not have the perfect week like WW suggested. I did track, but I wasn't completely honest, which is funny because I am the only person I am fooling when i don't track all my food. I also was not motivated to exercise. For some reason I have had a hard time motivating myself to go to the gym last week and this week. I can't put my finger on it. I almost feel like I am burned out. Now, I did exercise 3 days last week (good but not great) and I used some of the suggestions that people left for me last week (thank you!) One thing that I discovered that I have to share is, the on demand feature on Verizon Fios has an exercise channel. Now, I'm sure I've seen this channel before when I've been zipping through the on demand feature looking for episodes of Pawn Stars or What Not To Wear, but I've never actually looked at the programs offered. Well, there is a lot of different exercise programs, some are 15 minutes, some 30 and there are some that are 1 hour. They have everything from yoga, to core exercises, to walking and areobic. So I tried one. I did a 2 mile walk program sponsored by the American Heart Association. This was a great workout. It got me moving and had me doing a lot more than just schlepping along on the tread mill. Once I got past the perky trainer, it was fun. I plan to try more programs this week to shake up my routine.

So, I gained 1 pound this week, but that's ok. This is a journey that is not going to be perfect, but I am learning a lot about myself, which is what counts. Thank you for all the encouragment and suggestions. They are much appreciated.

I hope you have a perfect week!

Motivation, motivation. Where for art thou motivation?

Exercise. Exercise is an important part of losing weight and getting healthy. I know this because the weeks that I get out and exercise at least 3 times, I lose weight. I also have more energy and feel really good when I go work out. Considering I've never been big on exercise, it feels like an accomplishment to get off my butt and go to the gym.

Why am I writing about this today, because I'm struggling with motivating myself to go work out. For some reason this week, my brain is coming up with 101 excuses to skip my workout and, today, I'm having a hard time finding the energy to override my brain.

I want to exercise. I know how I feel after I'm finished. I just have to fight the pull of the couch and re-runs of America's Next Top Model to go change and head to the gym. Last week I talked about how I started using the Couch to 5K app. to start running. I've made it to week 4 and I feel really good about that. I've been doing things differently where I'm doing each week twice. This has help me feel confident about moving to the next week, where there is more running involved and less walking. So last week I ran for 5 minutes for the first time and felt pretty good about it. The week 4 plan is: 5 minute warm up, run for 3 minutes, walk for 1 1/2 minutes, run for 5 minutes, walk for 3 minutes, run for 3 minutes, walk for 1 1/2 minutes, run for 5 minutes, 5 minute cool down. When I finish this cycle, I've gone about 2.3 miles (slowly working my way to that 5K, which is a little over 3 miles). The run part is not always easy. Sometimes the endorphins do not kick in as quickly as I would like and I find that my mind has to push my body through the full 5 minute run. It's like having a cheerleader in my head screaming "You can do this. You have 2 minutes left. There is no way you are going to stop now." Sounds a little crazy, but it really works because I have not stopped during the 5 minute runs.

As I'm writing this, the cheerleader is starting to yell "Get off your butt and get to the gym!" So I am going to end here, get off the couch, change, and go to the gym. I did weigh in yesterday and lost 2 pounds. So I am down a total of 16.2 pounds since I started Weight Watchers in February. A little slow moving, but not too shabby. We'll see what happens next week!

I can't, can I...

When we're kids, especially little kids, we are told "no" and "you can't" quite a bit from our parents. I understand parents do this in order to protect their children and set boundaries for them, and I am all for that. But when the work "can't" becomes predominant in some one's vocabulary, then there is a problem. I have been pondering this for the past week and have realized that I have taken the work "can't" to a whole new level. Somewhere along the way I have taken the safe boundaries that my parents set for me to a whole new level, and not in a good way.

Last week I wrote that I went to see my doctor for a check up. During the appointment, she recommended the book The 4 Hour Body by Tim Ferris to me. Well it just so happened that I had a gift card to a book store, so I decided to check the book out. In the book, the author talks about ways to "transform" your body using methods he and others have used. As I'm reading this book, some of the things make perfect sense and I could see them working for me. But then I read about the low carb diet plan, and the first thing I thought was "I can't do that." Now I have read Why We Get Fat by Gary Taubes (which was recommended to me by a friend and is an excellent book) and I understand how carbohydrates work in the body and how they affect weight loss, so it was not the diet that struck me as strange, it was my reaction. I automatically shot down the idea of me trying the diet to see if it worked and I'm not sure why I did. So I started thinking of other things I've told myself I couldn't do. I once told myself I couldn't run because of my weight, that it would be too hard on my body, but then I decided to try the couch to 5K app for my phone (after reading some friends' posts about it on FB). Well, I can run. In fact, yesterday, I ran for 5 minutes straight without feeling like I was going to lose a lung. I also use to say "I can't cook" but I've recently started cooking more meals and have found that, not only do I enjoy it, but I'm actually not that bad at it.

So, why can't I try this diet? It's not an unhealthy diet, it just restricts the intake of certain carbs and it is set up where you can have one day off to eat what you want. Certainly something that I could probably handle. So why was I so quick to say "I can't"? Maybe what I was really saying "I can't" to is the idea of being successful at losing weight. Interesting thought (and one I will explore in a future blog).

I stayed the same this week, but I did decide to start tracking my measurements along with my weight loss so that I have more than just the scale to track my success. I lost 2 inches in my waist and 1/2 inch in my arms, and everything else stayed the same. Not too bad, but definitely time to shake things up.

That's all for this week. Tune in next week to read about what other strange and interesting things that travel through my mind (although I won't dig too deep because that could be kind of scary)... :)

New Beginnings

Well, I've come to realize that I'm not the best blogger, but I am going to try again.

Last week I went to see my doctor for a physical and I'm in good health except, of course, for my weight. My doctor is a very nice woman, but every time I go to see her we talk about diet, no I shouldn't say diet I should say eating habits. This visit was no different, except she didn't push her diet plan on me. This time, she recommended some books for me to check out and we talked about my exercise routine. Currently, I am exercising 4 times a week, 3 days I weight train and do cardio and 1 day is fully dedicated to cardio. For the most part I'm happy with my routine, but I want to get back to working out 5 days a week. Well, my doctor was happy about this and was encouraging regarding my weight loss. She also suggested I start a blog about my experience. "It will help to keep you motivated and you will have the chance to inspire and motivate someone else," my doctor said.

So I started thinking about this. I know I've started this blog before and have had some positive responses, but I really began to think about how my experience could inspire someone else to make changes in their life. I am always inspired when I hear about how someone else lost weight and changed their lives, I would like to give that back to others. So here we go...

I am still on the Weight Watcher's plan and I continue to attend meetings once a week. I have also begun tracking my food and weight loss online through their website and it is really working for me. What I struggle with is portion control and fighting the urge to eat when I am upset or emotional or when I'm bored. I am starting to recognize my hunger signs and, when I'm thinking of eating something, I will first ask myself if I'm truly hungry or if I'm bored or upset about something. Majority of the time I am going to food when I'm bored or upset, not because I'm hungry. I am also slowly starting to measure my portions to make sure I am not overeating. Just because I'm eating healthy doesn't mean I get to overeat. You can gain weight eating healthy food as well as junk food.

So here's where I'm at:
Current weight: 256.4
Goal weight: 170
Amount to lose: 86.4

What will I gain by doing this? Stronger self-esteem, stamina to do activities that I enjoy doing, and the courage to try things I'm not brave enough to do now. Also, the idea of wearing a "normal" size and not having to shop in the "woman's" (plus size) department is also motivating. My commitment to you, the reader, is that I will post my progress once a week so that you can see how I am doing. I will also take time to write about my frustrations and things that I've found helpful in the hopes that they will help you. (I almost sound a bit full of myself here.)

See you next week!