A Come to Jesus

Well, it is now December.  I have no idea what happened to November.  I can't believe a month went by and I have not updated my blog.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's just that my last posting was rather dark and that dark mood seemed to follow me through most of November that I didn't want my blog to become too depressing.

Oh, who am I kidding, I lost my motivation.  I've lost my motivation about a lot of things and if finally reached a point where I needed to do something about it.  So, one afternoon I took myself out for coffee and for a Come to Jesus meeting with myself.  Strange?  Yeah, it probably was.  Necessary?  Definately!

I assume everyone knows what a Come to Jesus meeting is.  Usually it's something you have with someone else when they are not doing something you need them to do or when you are worried about them.  Hence the Come to Jesus meeting with myself.  What does a Come to Jesus meeting with yourself look like?  Well it looks a little like this:
"Ok, you're unhappy.  The weight isn't changing.  Your motivation to exercise and follow the Weight Watchers plan has lagged.  You are stubborn and continue to do the same thing over and over and over again and expect a different result.  If I didn't know you so well, I would think you were insane."
"What do you mean I'm insane?  I'm not doing the same thing over and over, oh wait, you're right.  Maybe I am insane!  Maybe I should have my brain checked.  If I checked myself into the crisis unit, do you think they'd give me my own room?"
"Stop it!  You are not insane.  Lazy at times and lacking in motivation, but not insane.  It is time to take this seriously.  Do you like how you are now?  If so, then don't do anything, but I kind of get the idea that you are not happy."
"You're right.  I'm not happy and I know what to do about it.  The problem is I'm feeling stuck and am having a hard time unsticking myself."

Please note that this conversation went on in my head and was written out on paper in my journal while I drank my coffee.  I was not sitting in a coffee shop talking to myself.  Had I done that, I may have ended up in the crisis unit and would have that wonderful experience to write about.

The truth is, I got to the point where I was tired of feeling down and stuck.  I'm not stuck, I just needed to readjust my priorities.  Thanksgiving was a great time for that.  I had been wallowing in the fact that I was not where I wanted to be with my weight loss, that I lost sight of the things that I had accomplished.  I'm a licensed mental health counselor who has a decent paying job that I like.  I have an opportunity to branch out and start moving towards my own practice.  I have friends and family who love and support me (even though, at times, I'm sure they think I'm nuts).  The weight loss will happen in it's own time, but it won't happen if I allow myself to get bogged down with the woulda, shoulda, couldas.  I have a lot to be proud of and thankful for, I just had to confront myself in order to see it. 

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.  I will have a full weight report next week (I've skipped Weight Watchers that past 2 weeks).  Thank you, as always for your support.  It truly helps and means the world to me. :)   

Losing control, losing momentum

I have no control.  It's true, I have absolutely no control when it comes to food, finances, life in general.  I believe I have been living without control for quite some time, only I didn't really know it.  I have been operating for quite some time under a facade, I relatively successful independent woman, when underneath I'm not.

Heavy, I don't really mean to be.  The past week and a half has not been easy for me.  My job has changed and I've said goodbye to some friends at work, including a great supervisor.  To celebrate the end of a contract and the promise of something new, the office was filled with food.  Cake, cookies, cupcakes, pizza, chips, chocolate, you name it.  You name it, I ate it.  Which is why I was up another 1.4 pounds this week.

I suppose I could blame the weight gain on my menstrual cycle, but I'm not.  I'm going to blame it on the fact that I can't seem to let go of using food for comfort.  I am going to blame it on the fact that I have no control and, where a normal person would have one normal size piece of cake, I have to have two.  Or I have to have three or four frosted sugar cookies instead of one, or I can't just eat one piece of chocolate...  I think you get the idea.

In the past I have written about sugar being my drug.  I think I am fully beginning to understand how someone can become addicted to drugs or alcohol or anything for that matter.  There is something that happens within us when we reach for that "forbidden" item.  Maybe it is a rush of doing something that you know you shouldn't do.  Maybe it is the fact that the item give you a bit of a high, alters your reality, or makes you feel good for a period of time.  Not that sugar is quite as mind altering as certain drugs, but there is something that happens with your body chemistry when you eat sugar that gives you an euphoric feeling.  For me, food that has tasted good (mostly anything with sugar) was an escape for a short period of time.  Oh, and I'm really good at hiding just how much I'm eating, that is until I get on the scale (but I've talked about that before too).

So I'm struggling with control.  To my credit, I don't bring a lot of sugar into my house.  I don't buy cakes or cookies or candy.  I reserve most of my baking to breads or savory items and, if I do make something sweet, I either make it as a dessert when I'm having people over for dinner, or I bring it to work or give it to someone.  It's the moments when I'm feeling vulnerable, scared, sad, that I lose control. 

I've read the books, I've read articles, and I've heard people talk about how weight loss is about behaviors change and you have to find your food triggers.  They give suggestions for things to do when you feel like eating, go for a walk, call a friend, focus on another activity that makes you feel good.  What they fail to realize is, like any other addict, it is when you are at your most vulnerable that you reach for that one thing you know will make you feel better, if only for a little while.

That is where my problem lies.  Who wants to be vulnerable?  Being vulnerable is being weak.  It is admitting that you need help.  It leaves you open to hurt.  But being vulnerable also means that you are human.  There is a strength in vulnerability that I don't think we realize.  As I've continued to open myself up through this blog and put my own vulnerability on the line, I am also becoming stronger.  Yeah, I'm not perfect.  I'm not the facade that I put on for others.  What I am is a single woman struggling to make ends meet.  Trying to fulfill my dreams, scared to death that I am going to fall on my face.  I am someone who truly enjoys helping others, but I have absolutely no idea how to help myself.  So I eat.

So, now that I have poured all this out to you, my friends, what to do now.  Well, I fell down.  It's nothing new, I do it all the time bother literally and figuratively.  So I will pick myself up, treat my wounds, and get back on the path.  As scary as this was to write and as scary as it is knowing this will be out there for anyone to read, I actually feel a sense of relief.  If you are struggling with issues in your own life, I hope, as you read this, you will know that you are not alone.  You are also strong and you will move past this as well.

Thank you as always for reading and for your encouraging comments.  :)

Years go by

I had a birthday this year.  I realize this is a stupid statement because everyone has a birthday every year.  But I had a big birthday this year.  One that I was in complete denial about that I had to leave the country to try and forget about it.  Yes my friends, I turned 40 on July 6th and spent my birthday in England, well London, actually at the Tower of London to be exact.

Why am I writing about this now?  Well, like I said, I've been in denial over my age and I actually came face to face with it over the weekend.  Last Saturday I watched the movie Pearl Jam 20 directed by Cameron Crowe.  The movie documented the band's beginnings in 1990, the release of "10" in 1991 and the band's subsequent rise to fame.  The movie showed clips of the young members in Seattle in 1991 and interviews with the band members today.  As I watched the movie, I realized that the members of Pearl Jam were my age or one to two years older.  As I looked at what the members looked like today, it hit me, I was no longer in my twenties.  Hell, I'm no longer in my thirties.  I had reached the age that I thought was way off in the distance. 

After the movie was over, I went into the bathroom to get cleaned up for work.  I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "Where did these lines in my forehead come from?  Where did these lines around my eyes and mouth come from?  What happened to the young, idealistic woman I use to be?"

The truth is, I grew up.  Time has a funny way of sneaking up on you like that.  I am no longer the young, carefree person I was when I was 20, back when my only concerns were whether or not I was going to class that morning and scraping together $5-10 for pitchers of beer at the college bar (God I miss the days of the $3 pitcher).  Now, I have a career and bills and my taste in beer has matured from Miller Light.  I worry about the economy and my job.  I worry about my health, my parents' health, and trying to make ends meet.  I wonder if I'll ever get married and have children or if I will continue to be single.  The highs and the lows of the last 20 years of my life play out in my face and, the more I look at it, the more I like it.  The fact that I have laugh lines speaks to all of the good times I have had and the fact that I prefer to laugh at things, rather than take everything so seriously.

Overall, the last 20 years haven't been that bad.  I have had the opportunity to do a lot of great things and have a lot of memories that I cherish.  As I finished getting ready to go to work, I closed the door to my denial over my age.  I don't look like I'm 40 and I certainly don't act like it.  This is a new chapter in my life, one that I am ready to face as a confident and somewhat slimmer person.  I am ready for new adventures and challenges and I plan to make the most of every day.  Twenty years from now, I hope I can look back with fondness over how I spent the next 20 years.

I lost 0.2 pounds.  A little disappointing considering how much I exercised and tried to watch my food intake last week, but a loss is a loss no matter how small.  I worked out 4 days last week and spent 2 days pulling weeds, digging, and doing various jobs around the yard (and that was when I really felt my age.  It takes a lot longer now to bounce back from vigorous workouts than it did when I was in my 20's).

So remember, you are only as old as you feel, so continue to think and feel young!  Thank you all again for your support and comments, both here and on my FB page, and thanks for reading!

A picture of me at the Tower of London on my birthday.

My Second Job?

Good morning everyone.  It is currently 9:50am here in Florida and I am wondering why I am still awake.  This may sound a little strange, but since I work from 10:30pm to 7:00am it is strange for me to be up at this time.  The fact is that I just finished a phone interview for a position within the company I currently work for and I'm a little keyed up, and since I haven't posted a new blog for this week, I decided to write.

I am going to brag about two people that I know and love, my sister and brother-in-law.  At the beginning of the year, my sister and brother-in-law decided they wanted to get healthy and lose weight.  So, with some support, they changed their diets and started exercising.  Now for the bragging part, so far my brother-in-law has lost 164 pounds and my sister has lost about 100 pounds.  I cannot tell you how proud I am of them and how much of an inspiration they have been to me!

I bring this up because I was talking to my sister last week about her weight loss and she told me that others have said she's been an inspiration to them as well.  I asked her how she responds when people say that and she said, having a strong support system and exercise have been the keys to her success.  Since I've been in a bit of an exercise slump lately, I asked my sister what motivates her to exercise.  She said, "I look at it as a job.  I don't really want to do it, but I know I have to." 

I can't explain it, but that statement really hit me.  My sister works out five days a week and, by looking at it as a job, something she has to do, she actually does it.  Well, after talking with my sister, I got back to the gym and started weight training again.  I even managed to exercise after work, before going to bed.  So far I have worked out four days this week and I feel pretty great.  When I am struggling to get to the gym or to get out and run, I just think "This is my job.  I have no choice, I have to do this" and it works.  I know that I lose weight faster when I exercise, along with having more energy and feeling better about myself, thanks to the endorphins.  I even shared this wisdom during my Weight Watchers meeting on Monday and several people agreed that was a good way to motivate themselves to exercise.  So a big THANK YOU to my sister for helping me to get out of my exercise slump and a bit THANK YOU to both my sister and brother-in-law for continuing to motivate me with their successes.  I know if they can do it, I can too!

I did lose 1.6 pounds this week, so I've lost half of what I gained.  I am hoping to have lost the rest of the weight I recently gained plus some extra this coming week.  Also, the supervisory position I wrote about in a previous post fell through.  So I have a job at my current company until 12/30 and I am hoping to be hired for the position I interviewed for this morning, which is similar to what I am doing now, except working with the commercial EAP accounts.  If I do get this position, there is a possibility to move into a supervisory position at a later date.  Good thoughts, vibes, and prayers are welcomed and appreciated and I will keep you updated.

So, as the weather cools off and before it gets too cold, get outside and enjoy the fall (yes, fall has finally reached Florida.  It was 60 degrees out when I left work this morning!)  What motivates you?  If you'd like to share any motivating thoughts or sayings, please leave me a comment, I'd love to read them. :)

Blurred vision

I've been thinking a lot lately about something one of my professors said in my intro to counseling class, if you want to change something in your life, you must first visualize what that change will be like for you.  It is that visual image that will help motivate you to reach your goals.  Why have I been thinking about this, because I think my vision is blurred.

I've been off the wagon lately as far as my food intake and exercise plans are concerned.  Somehow, I've lost the vision behind losing weight and, with that, I've also lost my motivation.  Now I know there are things I can do to help me visualize what it will be like when I'm at my goal weight.  I can cut out pictures of healthy, thin bodies and glue my head to them (I know some people who have done this), but that has never really appealed to me.  Instead, I pulled out some old photos of me from when I was at my heaviest and thought about the person I was then compared to who I am now.  In spite of the backwards steps I have experienced recently, I really feel like I've come along way.  When I looked at the photos, I saw someone who was trying to hide behind big clothes, long hair, and a big body.  Back then, I was shy and lacked the confidence and strength I have now.  I feel I was just existing during that phase in my life and not taking the active role in my life that I am now.  I weigh 22 pounds less than I did 10 years ago and, although it may not seem like much, for me it has meant a huge change.

So I have my visualization.  If I feel empowered right now with the small weight loss, imagine how empowered I will feel once I reach my goal.  My ego may become too big to be held in any room! (Just kidding).  My vision is clearing, I know where I want to go, I know what I want to look like, and I know what I need to do and I plan to do it!

Last week I talked about decisions I needed to make regarding my job.  I have decided to stay at my current job.  I was offered an extension through the end of the year.  Hopefully, during that time, the company will either get the contract with the Army, or another opportunity to move into a supervisory position will open up.  Either way, I have a good feeling about staying.  I feel this is where I need to be right now.  Thank you to everyone who either left a comment for me here or on my facebook page.  Your thoughts and encouragement are very helpful, especially when I'm not feel that sure about myself.

I gained 0.8 pounds this week, but this will be the end of the weight gain.  The leader of my Weight Watchers meeting said something that made me think about my own weight loss.  She shared that she was a slow loser, losing about 0.4 pounds a week and, if she went on a binge, she would gain 2 pounds in 1 week, undoing 5 weeks of work.  She said that she would think about that whenever she had the urge to splurge and, instead of eating the whole cake or overindulging in alcohol, would have one slice or one drink.  Something for me to think about since it will take 3-4 weeks for me to lose what I have gained.  So I will visualize what that looks like for me and I will enjoy my life, in moderation.

Visualize your dreams and make them a reality.  :)

Decisions, decisions

Happy October everyone!  As you know from my "Fall" post, this is one of my favorite months and the weather here in Sarasota has been cooperating (2 days with the air conditioner off and the windows open, then had to turn the air back on).  Hopefully the cooler weather will make an appearance sooner rather than later. :)

Recently I've had to make some decisions regarding work.  For those of you who don't know, I am a licensed mental health counselor (long title, but best way to describe what I do) and for the past year I have worked for Ceridian under the Military OneSource (MOS) contract.  What is that?  Well MOS is the employee assistance program for the military and my job is to help service members and family members get set up with counseling.  I work in a call center, so I do the counseling and assessments over the phone, which has been a new experience for me because I am use to working with children and providing face to face counseling.  Well, back in August, I learned that the Department of Defense (who gave Ceridian the MOS contract) decided to give the MOS contract to a different vendor, which means, as of October 30th, I will no longer have a job under this contract.  Scary, yes, but not as scary as when I lost my job last year.  At least this time, I had some time to try and figure out what I was going to do.  Well here I am in October and I am still not absolutely sure what I want to do.  I have 2 different job offers that I am trying to decide between.  One is continuing working for Ceridian under a different contract.  It is a supervisory position and offers me the opportunity to do something different and a significant pay increase, that is, if the company gets the contract.  The other job is working for another agency located in Clearwater working with mentally ill adults.  This job give me the opportunity to work with adults, which I haven't done, and is an actual position that is ready for me to take.  The downside is the salary is the same as I am making now and I will be traveling farther to get to work.  What to do, what to do...

On top of that, I would really like to go back to school to get my PhD. and I would like to move towards starting my own practice.  So, as you can see, there is a lot going on.  As I sit here writing, the thought "If I was granted a job wish, what would it be?' entered into my head.  If I did not have to worry about collecting a regular paycheck and did not need health insurance, I would focus on starting my own practice and put my energy into that.  But, alas, I have not recently won the lottery nor have I met an incredibly rich man who wants to make all my dreams come true.  I am a single woman who needs a regular paycheck and health insurance if I want to continue to live in a house, drive a car, and have food to eat.  So I have to table that dream for right now, but it is something that will happen.  I will have my own practice one day!

So, for now, it's trying to make a work decision that is right for me.  I think I know which way I am going to go, I just need to take a few deep breaths, build up my confidence, and make my choice.  I will let you know what I decide.

So, this was not the best week for me.  I gained 2.2 pounds this week, partially due to my monthly cycle (sometimes it's just so great to be a woman), and to the fact that I was off my game as far as what I was eating.  When I looked back on what I ate last week, I realized that I was not getting in as many fruits and vegetables as I normally do.  So that is the focus for this week.  Hopefully it will show on the scale!

To everyone out there who has their own tough decisions to make, or who have made them and are second guessing themselves, know you are not alone.  Feel free to share your thoughts with me, or if you are in need of good thoughts passed your way, let me know.  I am always happy to send good thoughts to my friends!

Inspiration and Transformation

Last week was challenging.  Stress, lack of motivation, and frustration at myself left me feeling like an emotional mess by the time Sunday night rolled around.  I was feeling pretty low and beginning to doubt that I was going to be able to reach any my goals.  So when the alarm clock went off at 8:30am on Monday, the last thing I wanted to do was get up and go to a Weight Watchers meeting.  I felt like I had been run over by a bulldozer and I just wanted to find a big rock to crawl under and hide from everything.

What did I do?  I got up, got dressed and went to the meeting, and I am so glad that I did.  This week, the focus was on inspiration and motivation.  The group leader asked use all to write down what it was that made us decide to join WW.  While we were writing, she shared her story about how she had been in poor health due to her weight, suffering from diabetes and high blood pressure, and she realized the only way she could get that under control was to lose weight.  Some of the other members shared their stories, some had health reasons, others were tired of the way they looked and the comments they received from friends and loved ones, most of the members who shared their stories had been WW members before.  I decided to share my story.  As those of you who have been following my blog before know, I've been battling my weight for quite some time and, although this is my first time joining WW, I have been on several other diets that have not worked for me.  I told the group that, when I walked through the WW door that February day, I was tired of the way I looked.  I was tired of looking at myself in the mirror every January and seeing the same fat person staring back at me.  I also talked about how I celebrated a big birthday this year and decided that I was ready to take control of my eating and my relationship with food.

It felt really good to share and to realize that I am not alone on this journey.  After talking about what motivated us to join, we wrote down why we were there, at the meeting, week after week.  My answer was short, I am doing this for me.  As I looked at my answer, I began to think of the things I have started doing for myself and the ways I have started to put myself first, rather than hide behind others, and it felt good.  As the meeting was wrapping up, the group leader talked about Dr. Oz's Million Dollar Transformation Challenge.  The Dr. Oz show has partnered with WW to help motivate people to make healthy changes in their lives and, by making these transformation, you could win one million dollars.  My group leader told everyone that, if they wanted, they could pick up an application to join the challenge and encouraged everyone to watch the Dr. Oz show that afternoon.  As the meeting ended, I was sitting and talking to two women that I have become friends with and one of them looked at me and said, "You should do this.  You should sign up to win the million dollars."  Well I looked at her and laughed, not sure what to say, when the group leader came over to me and said the same thing.  I think I gave them a look that said, "Are you crazy", when the group leader said she thought I would be a perfect candidate to transform my life.  As my two friends shook their heads in agreement, I realized that there were three people who didn't know me that well, but firmly believed that I could transform my life.  Talk about a big jolt of inspiration!  If these people who I have only had contact with during WW meetings firmly believed I have what it takes to transform my life, why didn't I?  So I took an application and filled it out and I watched the Dr. Oz show and completed the online application.  Who knows, I may be one of the finalist on the show in May, I may just be the one who wins the million dollars.  Whether I win or not, I will transform myself, from the inside out, and I will continue with this journey.

Last week, I gained 1.6 pounds.  This week I lost half of it, 0.8.  I am happy for any loss because it is another step in the right direction.  Overall I have lost 15.4 pounds since I started this journey.

So, as I close this blog entry on inspiration, I want to share one more person who has also inspired me when it comes to writing and being creative.  I recently reconnected with my friend Leanne from college through Facebook.  Leanne has a blog call From Chaos Comes Happiness,  fromchaoscomeshappiness.blogspot.com, where she has written about the ups and downs in her creative and personal life and does it in such a way that, even when she is going through tough times, she still manages to be positive.  I have linked Leanne's blog and I encourage you to check it out.  I hope you will find it as inspiring as I have!

Who or what inspires you?  Leave me a message, I'd love to know. 

Now, go out and be inspired to reach your goals!

Fall

Since tomorrow is the first day of fall and we are coming up on the end of September, I have been thinking a lot about the fall. The temperatures begin to drop. There is a crisp feeling in the air where you don't quite need a coat outside, but you need a sweatshirt or sweater. The leaves begin to change and thoughts turn to Halloween and Thanksgiving. Overall, this is my favorite time of year. Or at least it was until I moved to Florida, the place where fall doesn't exist.

Ok, I know my friends who live in the north are probably going to tell me to stop whining because Florida is a great place to live in the winter. Which is true. The problem is that I've been dealing with hot and humid weather since the end of April and, by the time October gets here, I'm really tired of it. It should not be 90+ degrees with 100% humidity in October. Also, the leaves don't change color down here and by the time October comes, I'm tired of having my house closed up and running the air conditioner.

Yes, I am complaining. October has always been one of my favorite months. I can remember as a child, breaking out my favorite sweaters and planning my Halloween costume. As I got older, there were bonfires and sweatshirts and that invigorating feeling of the seasons changing.

I don't feel that now. Now I just feel the anticipation of when the heat will break. I've been living in Florida for 11 years and you'd think I'd be use to it by now. But I'm not. Every October I become nostalgic for crisp weather, changing leaves, hay rides, and cold Halloweens. Thank you all for letting me whine a bit and wax nostalgic for a bit.

What is your favorite season? Or any thoughts on Fall? Leave me a comment, I'd love to hear from you. Happy Fall!  

The Perfect Week...

What would the perfect week look like? That was the question that was posed during the Weight Watchers meeting last week. I know that they were talking about a perfect week ont he plan, but it started me thinking about what a perfect week in my life would look like.

Well I don't know about a perfect week, but a good week would go like this:

• I would get off work on time and go home without feeling like I was going to fall asleep (something that could happen when you work the overnight shift)


• I would get more than 4 hours of sleep during the day


• Disruptions would be down to a minimum (including cat disruptions)


• I would go to the gym 4 days that week


• I would honestly track everything and lose 5 pounds that week


• I would take time to do something I enjoy


• The man of my dreams would arrive at my house with beautiful flowers wanting to take me away to his private island (ok, so I've moved from good week to fantasy land) :)

Some of these items I can actually do. Sometimes I just get so caught up with the ins and outs of daily life that I don't take time to do things I enjoy. The problem is, I'm not exactly sure what I would like to do if I had time available. I feel a little stuck and this carried over into my week last week.

I did not have the perfect week like WW suggested. I did track, but I wasn't completely honest, which is funny because I am the only person I am fooling when i don't track all my food. I also was not motivated to exercise. For some reason I have had a hard time motivating myself to go to the gym last week and this week. I can't put my finger on it. I almost feel like I am burned out. Now, I did exercise 3 days last week (good but not great) and I used some of the suggestions that people left for me last week (thank you!) One thing that I discovered that I have to share is, the on demand feature on Verizon Fios has an exercise channel. Now, I'm sure I've seen this channel before when I've been zipping through the on demand feature looking for episodes of Pawn Stars or What Not To Wear, but I've never actually looked at the programs offered. Well, there is a lot of different exercise programs, some are 15 minutes, some 30 and there are some that are 1 hour. They have everything from yoga, to core exercises, to walking and areobic. So I tried one. I did a 2 mile walk program sponsored by the American Heart Association. This was a great workout. It got me moving and had me doing a lot more than just schlepping along on the tread mill. Once I got past the perky trainer, it was fun. I plan to try more programs this week to shake up my routine.

So, I gained 1 pound this week, but that's ok. This is a journey that is not going to be perfect, but I am learning a lot about myself, which is what counts. Thank you for all the encouragment and suggestions. They are much appreciated.

I hope you have a perfect week!

Motivation, motivation. Where for art thou motivation?

Exercise. Exercise is an important part of losing weight and getting healthy. I know this because the weeks that I get out and exercise at least 3 times, I lose weight. I also have more energy and feel really good when I go work out. Considering I've never been big on exercise, it feels like an accomplishment to get off my butt and go to the gym.

Why am I writing about this today, because I'm struggling with motivating myself to go work out. For some reason this week, my brain is coming up with 101 excuses to skip my workout and, today, I'm having a hard time finding the energy to override my brain.

I want to exercise. I know how I feel after I'm finished. I just have to fight the pull of the couch and re-runs of America's Next Top Model to go change and head to the gym. Last week I talked about how I started using the Couch to 5K app. to start running. I've made it to week 4 and I feel really good about that. I've been doing things differently where I'm doing each week twice. This has help me feel confident about moving to the next week, where there is more running involved and less walking. So last week I ran for 5 minutes for the first time and felt pretty good about it. The week 4 plan is: 5 minute warm up, run for 3 minutes, walk for 1 1/2 minutes, run for 5 minutes, walk for 3 minutes, run for 3 minutes, walk for 1 1/2 minutes, run for 5 minutes, 5 minute cool down. When I finish this cycle, I've gone about 2.3 miles (slowly working my way to that 5K, which is a little over 3 miles). The run part is not always easy. Sometimes the endorphins do not kick in as quickly as I would like and I find that my mind has to push my body through the full 5 minute run. It's like having a cheerleader in my head screaming "You can do this. You have 2 minutes left. There is no way you are going to stop now." Sounds a little crazy, but it really works because I have not stopped during the 5 minute runs.

As I'm writing this, the cheerleader is starting to yell "Get off your butt and get to the gym!" So I am going to end here, get off the couch, change, and go to the gym. I did weigh in yesterday and lost 2 pounds. So I am down a total of 16.2 pounds since I started Weight Watchers in February. A little slow moving, but not too shabby. We'll see what happens next week!

I can't, can I...

When we're kids, especially little kids, we are told "no" and "you can't" quite a bit from our parents. I understand parents do this in order to protect their children and set boundaries for them, and I am all for that. But when the work "can't" becomes predominant in some one's vocabulary, then there is a problem. I have been pondering this for the past week and have realized that I have taken the work "can't" to a whole new level. Somewhere along the way I have taken the safe boundaries that my parents set for me to a whole new level, and not in a good way.

Last week I wrote that I went to see my doctor for a check up. During the appointment, she recommended the book The 4 Hour Body by Tim Ferris to me. Well it just so happened that I had a gift card to a book store, so I decided to check the book out. In the book, the author talks about ways to "transform" your body using methods he and others have used. As I'm reading this book, some of the things make perfect sense and I could see them working for me. But then I read about the low carb diet plan, and the first thing I thought was "I can't do that." Now I have read Why We Get Fat by Gary Taubes (which was recommended to me by a friend and is an excellent book) and I understand how carbohydrates work in the body and how they affect weight loss, so it was not the diet that struck me as strange, it was my reaction. I automatically shot down the idea of me trying the diet to see if it worked and I'm not sure why I did. So I started thinking of other things I've told myself I couldn't do. I once told myself I couldn't run because of my weight, that it would be too hard on my body, but then I decided to try the couch to 5K app for my phone (after reading some friends' posts about it on FB). Well, I can run. In fact, yesterday, I ran for 5 minutes straight without feeling like I was going to lose a lung. I also use to say "I can't cook" but I've recently started cooking more meals and have found that, not only do I enjoy it, but I'm actually not that bad at it.

So, why can't I try this diet? It's not an unhealthy diet, it just restricts the intake of certain carbs and it is set up where you can have one day off to eat what you want. Certainly something that I could probably handle. So why was I so quick to say "I can't"? Maybe what I was really saying "I can't" to is the idea of being successful at losing weight. Interesting thought (and one I will explore in a future blog).

I stayed the same this week, but I did decide to start tracking my measurements along with my weight loss so that I have more than just the scale to track my success. I lost 2 inches in my waist and 1/2 inch in my arms, and everything else stayed the same. Not too bad, but definitely time to shake things up.

That's all for this week. Tune in next week to read about what other strange and interesting things that travel through my mind (although I won't dig too deep because that could be kind of scary)... :)

New Beginnings

Well, I've come to realize that I'm not the best blogger, but I am going to try again.

Last week I went to see my doctor for a physical and I'm in good health except, of course, for my weight. My doctor is a very nice woman, but every time I go to see her we talk about diet, no I shouldn't say diet I should say eating habits. This visit was no different, except she didn't push her diet plan on me. This time, she recommended some books for me to check out and we talked about my exercise routine. Currently, I am exercising 4 times a week, 3 days I weight train and do cardio and 1 day is fully dedicated to cardio. For the most part I'm happy with my routine, but I want to get back to working out 5 days a week. Well, my doctor was happy about this and was encouraging regarding my weight loss. She also suggested I start a blog about my experience. "It will help to keep you motivated and you will have the chance to inspire and motivate someone else," my doctor said.

So I started thinking about this. I know I've started this blog before and have had some positive responses, but I really began to think about how my experience could inspire someone else to make changes in their life. I am always inspired when I hear about how someone else lost weight and changed their lives, I would like to give that back to others. So here we go...

I am still on the Weight Watcher's plan and I continue to attend meetings once a week. I have also begun tracking my food and weight loss online through their website and it is really working for me. What I struggle with is portion control and fighting the urge to eat when I am upset or emotional or when I'm bored. I am starting to recognize my hunger signs and, when I'm thinking of eating something, I will first ask myself if I'm truly hungry or if I'm bored or upset about something. Majority of the time I am going to food when I'm bored or upset, not because I'm hungry. I am also slowly starting to measure my portions to make sure I am not overeating. Just because I'm eating healthy doesn't mean I get to overeat. You can gain weight eating healthy food as well as junk food.

So here's where I'm at:
Current weight: 256.4
Goal weight: 170
Amount to lose: 86.4

What will I gain by doing this? Stronger self-esteem, stamina to do activities that I enjoy doing, and the courage to try things I'm not brave enough to do now. Also, the idea of wearing a "normal" size and not having to shop in the "woman's" (plus size) department is also motivating. My commitment to you, the reader, is that I will post my progress once a week so that you can see how I am doing. I will also take time to write about my frustrations and things that I've found helpful in the hopes that they will help you. (I almost sound a bit full of myself here.)

See you next week!

Some words are hard to believe

I've been thinking about compliments a lot lately. Why is it that we have a hard time accepting a compliment from someone? For some reason compliments make me a little uncomfortable and I am curious if others feel the same way.

What is it about nice words? I can tell you that I have held on to and believed every negative thing that has been said to me, but the nice things that are said just don't seem to stick in my brain. Is it that I feel I don't deserve to have nice things said about me? Or is it that the negative things are easier to believe? I don't know, but I'd like to figure it out.

So this month I have been paying attention to how I react when given a compliment and I can see why the nice things don't stick in my head. Case in point, I was at a Weight Watchers meeting a few weeks ago where we were talking about relationships. I talked a little about struggling with my relationship with food and myself. A couple of the other members told me that I'm beautiful and have this warmth that makes them want to be friends with me. At work, a co-worker told me that I bring a certain warmth and joy to the office that makes it nice to be there. Recently, a friend that I hadn't seen in a while told me that I was looking great and that he noticed that I had lost weight. How did I react to these compliments? I blew them off. I was embarrassed and I just kind of brushed them off like they didn't mean anything. But, deep down, that is not true. The compliments actually got me thinking about my personality and the energy that I put out there. When I really thought about what was said, I felt really good. I genuinely enjoy being around other people, for the most part, and I think that is what draws people to me. I've never really thought about that and it was nice to get positive feedback. It was also nice to get positive feedback about my weight loss. I always feel uncomfortable about those kinds of compliments because my weight has always been a negative thing for me. I am going to work on taking in and keeping the positive things that are said about me and letting go of the negative.

The weight loss has been up and down (I need to focus more on the down than on the up!) So far I am down 10 pounds since I started. When I first looked at that amount, I was disappointed. I've been doing Weight Watchers for 15 weeks and I've only lost 10 pounds. But the more I thought about it, I realized that 10 pounds is 10 pounds and it doesn't matter how long it has taken me to lose it. The fact is that I am 10 pounds lighter than I was when I started and I will continue to lose, no matter how long it takes me.

So accept compliments that are given to you and hang on to those positive words. People would not compliment you if there wasn't something good there to compliment. :)

Hi my name is Jen and I'm a....

Hi my name is Jen and I'm a sugar junkie. I can't remember when I was first introduced to the stuff, but it has been a major component in most of the food I put into my body. I was probably a small child the first time I had a cookie or piece of candy or ice cream (ok, I'd have to check with my mom, but I don't think even she remembers the first sweet thing I ever ate). It seems like ever since that time I have been crazy for sugar. Now I understand that a lot of foods have sugar in them and with most healthy foods it is a natural sugar that is not so bad for you. I am not talking about those foods. I am talking about ice cream, candy, chocolate bars with nuts and caramel, donuts, cookies, cakes, I have to stop now because I am starting to drool. I can't tell you exactly when the addiction began, but I have recently begun to realize that it is an addiction and the major road block to my weight loss. How many of you know people who are not interested in sweets? I have friends who could care less if they have dessert, who are able to take half a cookie or half a donut and walk away. I know people who just don't eat sweets because they don't like them. What I would like to ask these people is, how do you do it? (Actually, sometimes I'd like to punch these people, but since they are my friends and I don't want to get arrested for battery I refrain.) For as long as I can remember, I have never been someone who could just have 1 sweet thing. I could never eat half a cookie and be satisfied. I have to eat 4-5, or sometimes the entire bag of cookies in one sitting. Same thing with cake, I can't eat a small piece, I have to have a large piece or 2 pieces. Don't even get me started on ice cream. I may be one of the few people who can pile a large serving of ice cream in a small dish. So, what is it about sugar that has such a hold on me? Well ever since I posted that blog about how sugar reacts in the brain and can be like a drug, I've been paying attention to how I feel when I eat sugar. I am going to be honest here because I know that, with any addiction, the road to recovery is when we acknowledge we have a problem and we bring out all our secrets, so here goes. I am a closet eater. I eat a lot of things in secret that no one knows about because I am ashamed and afraid of what they will say. I have been doing this for years. When I was a kid, I would sneak cookies or candy or other sweets and eat them in the bathroom (pretty gross I know). When I started driving, my car became the place where I would eat sweets and connivance marts became my dealers. Have you ever been in a convenience mart? It is a sugar junkie's paradise. The minute you walk through the door, you are hit with the donut and cookie display. The wall leading up to the counter where you pay along with the counter is lined with candy bars. Some places have a cooler in the middle of the store that has ice cream bars in it. It's crazy! I can't begin to tell you how glad I am that someone created the pay at the pump option because now, if I go into a connivance store, it is because I am getting a sugar fix not because I am paying for my gas. Believe me, I am not proud of my behaviors and it is not easy for me to write this, but I feel I need to get this out in order to really help myself. What is it about sugar and sweet foods that has me so captivated? Comfort for one thing. There is something very soothing to me about sinking my teeth into a Snickers candy bar or biting into a chocolate chip cookie, or eating a donut, especially when I am upset. Like most drugs, the sugar makes the pain go away for a little while, but it always comes back and worse than it was before I ate the treat. So now that I have recognized that I have a problem, the way to tackle it is to go cold turkey (and I don't like artificial sweeteners, so I will not be making desserts with Truvia or Splenda). I just have to give up the hard core sugar. So no more cake, ice cream, cookies, candy, my hands are beginning to shake as I write this. I feel I need to go cold turkey because, right now, I cannot control myself when I eat these items. I cannot trust myself to just eat 1 cookie or a small serving of ice cream, so I need to give them up. I am making this public because I really feel I have a problem and if more people know about it, then I will really be held accountable. I know I can't continue at the weight that I am and I know this kind of sugar in the amounts that I eat is not good for me. So I have to let it go and I have to figure out another way to comfort myself when I am upset. I will check in with all of you in a month to let you know how things are going. I think I may try to find a 12-step group to help me. We have AA and NA, there has to be something out there for sugar addicts. I weighed in on Monday, 4/11, and gained 1.2 pounds. That, along with the fact that I know some people who are having great success with their weight loss, prompted me to really look at myself and to write this. Thank you for the encouragement, and to my friends who are looking great and losing weight, keep it up! It truly is encouraging for me to see your successes. Until next time...

Slow and Steady...

Happy April! I'm thinking a post a month is what I'm capable of, unless I'm truly inspired or truly motivated (right now, motivation is the key). I named this post slow and steady because that's what my weight loss has been. For the past 2 weeks, I have lost 0.4 pounds. Now I know any loss is a good thing, but come on. I can't figure out why I can't lose a whole pound in one week. So I have to re-evaluate what I am doing and figure out where I am going wrong. I am still writing down everything I eat and I am doing my best to make good choices (although the other night I went to dinner with a friend and ate a burger). For the most part, I feel pretty good about what I'm eating. I have started buying more organic foods and looking at the labels of items in the grocery store before I buy them. I have been staying away from processed foods, which have a lot of chemicals in them in exchange for more produce and healthier meats. I am also cooking more, which I really enjoy, and choosing recipes that have more vegetables in them. I am still struggling with my alcohol consumption. I work the overnight shift, so 5 days a week I am not drinking at all, but on my days off I seem to drink a lot. I don't know, I try to have the best intentions, but instead of having 1-2 glasses of wine or 1-2 beers, I seem to drink 6-7. At 5 points a glass, that 30-35 points for that much wine. (Light beer is a little less at 3 points, but it still adds up) I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth it. Also, when I drink like that, I wake up feeling crappy and unmotivated to do anything which is not how I want to spend my day off. I don't want to give up drinking wine or beer. I enjoy having a glass of wine with dinner and I didn't go into this to give up alcohol. I think I just need to be very mindful about how much I am drinking. If I plan for 1-2 glasses of wine, that is all I should drink. As I was writing this, I began to think about my sense of control or lack there of. When I think about how I put on this weight and how I've maintained this weight for so long I realize that my biggest issue has always been a lack of control. I love sweets, but instead of just eating one cookie or 2 small scoops of ice cream, I have always had to have 3-4 cookies or a huge bowl of ice cream. Also, once I start eating sweets, especially if I am alone, I can't seem to stop. I think the same is true for alcohol. The feeling that I get when I eat sweets or consume alcohol are the same. It is a sense of euphoria, nothing seems to bother me and I feel like I'm wrapped in a nice, warm cocoon. I can understand why some people self-medicate with alcohol or even food. The problem is, like with most things, too much is not good. So my focus is going to be on self-control. If I can learn to control how much of a good thing I am putting into my body, it will spill over into other aspects of my life that I have let go. It won't be an easy process, but nothing really worth doing ever is. After all, this is my life and, if I'm not happy about how I'm looking or how things are going, I am the one who has to fix it. So, thank you to everyone who take the time to read this. I appreciate all of the comments and encouragements I've received. I will continue to keep you posted on how things are going. Oh, and in case you were wondering, at my last weigh in I was 262.8 pounds, down 7.2 pounds from my beginning. Not too shabby... :)

Believe

Welcome to March. For those of you who live up north, I hope this means nicer weather and no more snow. I can say the weather here in Florida has been cool and comfortable, which is nice because the warm, sticky weather will be here soon.

Last week was an emotional week for me. After weighing in before my Weight Watchers meeting and not seeing any change on the scale, I sat through a meeting where a woman who I thought looked really good complained about how her husband loses weight easily, but she is having a hard time losing 5 pounds. She then proceeded to shoot down every idea and piece of advice that was given to her by both the leader and other people in the meeting. Now I was already feeling pretty crappy and ready to give up and the last thing I wanted to hear was this woman, who did not look like she needed to lose 5 pounds, complain and be negative. By the end of the meeting, I was frustrated and upset. As I was gathering up my stuff, the meeting leader came over, said I looked upset, and asked me what was wrong. With that, I started to cry.
So, I'm crying and I'm trying to hold it in, which only makes you cry harder. I told the leader about how frustrated I was. How many years I've been carrying around all this weight and how I'm struggling to lose it. I also talked about how frustrating it is for me to watch friends and family lose weight while I just seem to stay the same. (Please don't get me wrong, I am so thrilled for the changes my friends and family members have made and I'm so happy for them.) When I finished and was trying to pull myself together, the leader looked me in the eye and said that she believed in me. She told me that I had the strength to do this and that she believed in me.

This got me thinking. I am the negative one. The first to make a joking, negative comment about myself before anyone else does. The first one to tell myself I can't do it, I'm not strong enough, I'm not good enough. Why is it that this woman who barely knows me believes in me when I have a hard time believing in myself? Having someone tell me that they believe in me sort of sent me into a tailspin. I forced myself to step back and take a good look at where I was coming from mentally and emotionally. That is not an easy thing because in order for me to start to see the real me, I had to be vulnerable and raw. So I am working on rebuilding my self-esteem, trying to view myself as the person I really am, not just someone with a weight problem and isn't good enough. I'm still feeling a little raw and am probably overly sensitive at times. The thing I have to keep in mind is that from pain comes growth. Everyday I am one step closer to where I want to be.

So to all of you out there who are working towards change or working towards something that is difficult to accomplish, I believe in you! As corny as that sounds, I do believe in each of you and I know you have the strength to accomplish any challenge you set for yourself. I hope these words will help you believe in yourselves.

I did weigh in today and I lost 3.6 pounds. I have also decided to start training to do the Disney Half-Marathon in January 2012, so I have a workout goal ahead of me and I believe this is something I can accomplish. As always, thanks for the encouragement and thanks for reading! :)

Master and Servant

Ok, the title is obscure, unless you are a fan of Depeche Mode and know that the song is in reference to Sado-Masochism. No, this blog entry is not going to be a look into my kinky sex life (which I don't have), it is a focus on the fact that I recently realize that I am a Masochist.

For those of you who don't know (and I'm sure most of you do) a masochist is someone who like to inflict or have pain inflicted on themselves. Masochism is inevitably linked to sex, but can also come out in so many other ways. So, why do I think I'm a masochist, well I've recently begun working with a personal trainer, I think you know where I'm going with this.

My trainer is a very nice, 22 year old guy who I am going to call Joe, in reference to G.I. Joe because he has the physique to be a well trained solider. Joe decided we would start working on my legs, so he had me sit on a bench and stand up without using my arms to push me up. So I went from a sitting to a standing position for 3 sets of 15. Sounds easy right? Wrong! Halfway through the first set, my legs started to burn and I could feel clenching in my stomach. Joe told me this was a good thing because not only were we working my legs, but my core as well, I guess that is what trainers now call the stomach. When I finished the 3 sets, my legs felt a little spongy and we move on to the next exercise. Now if I thought sitting and standing was hard, I was in for a surprise. For the next leg exercise, Joe put me on a weight machine that focused on my quads and calves. I sat in the machine and my legs went behind this pad, which I would lift by straighting my legs 15 times. When I finished on the machine, Joe had me go on a bike with the resistance set at 13 and I was to pedal as fast as I could for 30 seconds. I had to do 3 sets of this exercise and by the time I was finished, I didn't think I would be able to stand. The final exercise worked the inner and outer thigh muscles and was done on 2 machines that left me in uncomfortable positions. For the outer thigh machine, there were two arms with pads that rested on the outside of my knees and I had to push my legs open. On the inner thigh machine, I started with legs wide open and had to push them closed. Not the most lady-like position, but it did the trick because by the time I finished, my thighs were burning. Needless to say, I'm not exactly sure how I was able to walk out of the gym after the session. Not only that, but my legs were very sore for the next few days. It is never fun when you have to use the tub and the sink to balance yourself as you try to sit on the toilet.

So, now you can see why I'm beginning to feel like a masochist. And I will be meeting with Joe again next week so he can make my arms and upper body feel like jelly. Why am I doing this? I hope to be able to tone up and, as the weight continues to come off, I will look and feel better.

Ok, I have weighed in at Weight Watchers twice since the last post. On 2/14/11 I lost 5.8 pounds, which was great. This past Monday, 2/21/11, I stayed the same. I have to admit, I don't think I was quite on my game last week and it showed. At least I didn't gain. So I am trying to keep my eyes on the prize (that's my motivating statement) and not be discouraged. I am also working on embracing new parts of my personality, which is why my other motivating statement is "no pain, no gain".

Thanks for all the tips and support! It really makes a difference. Until next time, keep pushing and keep your eyes on the prize. (Ok, that was really cheesy, but you get what I mean.) :-)

More research!?!

I'm beginning to think that it is time to look into getting that PhD. In my last post, I did some research on how sugar interacts in the body, playing on my thesis that sugar is my drug of choice (which is still true with alcohol being a close second). This month, I've been doing research on diet plans in order to find one that will work for me. With all the research I've been doing lately, I should just go back to school and put the work towards something useful, like becoming Dr. Gallagher.

Why the research on diet plans (or I should say weight loss plans because we all know diet is an evil word), because I really want to lose weight and I need to do it in a way that is going to stick. A couple of years ago I bought the book "The Beck Diet Solution" written by Dr. Judith Beck, daughter of Dr. Aaron Beck. For those of you who don't know, Dr. Aaron Beck is the father of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a way of changing the way a person thinks in order to help them modify bad behaviors (that is the simple definition). Being a psychology geek, I thought this book would help me change my thought patterns about food and my emotional eating. Well, I think the book would help if I read more than the first chapter. So I recently pulled the book out from under my bed, dusted it off, and began reading again. I developed my advantages to losing weight, wrote them down, and posted them on my bathroom mirror. Next I began looking into weight loss programs. Dr. Beck recommends you choose 2 programs, one will be your main program and the other is a back up. Well, after looking into several different plans, I have decided to try Weight Watchers. What I like about Weight Watchers is that I can eat regular food as long as I stay within my points. This way, I can continue to cook for myself and learn how to eat healthy. I will also learn how to listen to my body to make sure that I am eating because I'm hungry, not bored or upset or whatever. I'm excited about the program and I hope this excitement continues. My biggest challenge, negative thoughts and laziness. These two things have derailed me with every weight loss program I have tried. So I am going to pair Weight Watches with "The Beck Diet Solution" and see what happens.

I believe I will be successful because, as I've recently discovered, I'm a competitive person. What I mean by this is that a few of my friends are losing weight and I've realized that I do not want to be left behind. Also, I don't want to be shown up by other people. So, when I'm feeling lazy or defeated, I will think about these friends, how good they look and how healthy they are, and this will motivate me to do the same.

So, this is week one. I'm at 270.6 lbs. and I want to lose 110 lbs. in order to get to 160. My first weight loss goal is 14 lbs. and I plan to reach that goal by March 14th. Of course I will keep all of you posted.

Thanks for reading. Good thoughts are appreciated. My next research project, finding the right school for my doctorate degree! Stay tuned...

Sugar, you are my drug...

The other day I was having dinner with friends and the discussion came up about organic foods vs regular foods. I have several friends who have switched over to eating more organic foods, such as fruits, vegetables and dairy, and have found them more enjoyable than eating the regular fruits, veggies and milks you get at the grocery store. I asked if they really tasted different. "Not that different," my friend said, "It's just comforting to know that I am not putting a lot of unnecessary chemicals into my body."

Later in the week, I was talking to a friend who recently started a new diet. My friend told me about how one night she was craving ice cream or chocolate, something sweet. She said the craving was so bad that she began shaking. "Jennifer," she said, "I felt like I was having a panic attack. I began shaking and getting sweaty and I know if I would have had ice cream in the house, I would have eaten the whole thing."

This got me to thinking. Why is it that some people have a "sweet tooth" while others don't. I know several people who can take or leave sugary snacks, desserts, ice cream, cookies, cakes... (I need to stop now because I'm starting to drool on my keyboard), while other people (like me) cannot pass these treats up. I decided to do a little research and this is what I found out.

According to a study done in 2002 by Bart Hoebel, a neuroscientist at Princeton University, using too much sugar "may be a form of addiction, sharing some of the psychological characteristics of drug dependence." (Hoebel, B 2002). "Hoebel and colleagues studied rats that were induced to binge on sugar and found that they exhibited telltale signs of withdrawal, including "the shakes" and changes in brain chemistry, when the effects of the sweets were blocked. These signs are similar to those produced by drug withdrawal." (Hoebel, 2002). Hoebel also found that sugar triggers production of the brain's natural opioids, and that the brain is getting addicted to it's own natural opioids as it would to morphine or heroin. Drugs give a bigger effect, but it's essentially the same process. (Hobel, 2002)

In another article, written by Annette Nay, PhD, she states, "Processed sugars and carbohydrates, which turn into sugar, cause a rise in the insulin level of the blood. This also raises the endorphins level, a natural mood upper in the brain. These sugars causes the body to have a chemical high, mentally, which results in a lift in mood." (Nay, 1997). Nay also goes on to say, "Continuous large doses of sugar and/or carbohydrates, overtime, usually cause the brain's endorphins sites to slow production or close sites to regulate the amount of endorphins in the brain. When the body cuts back on endorphin production it reduces the amount of endorphins available in the body at any given time. The lack of enough endorphin in the brain causes slight to deep depression." (Nay, 1997). So in order to get out of the depression, the person has to eat more sugar in order to feel normal, much in the same way that the alcoholic or the junkie needs to get their next fix in order to feel normal.

I felt these articles explained a lot. There were more out there, but the Google search started taking me into the realm of weird diets and fanatical foodies (the ones who won't eat cooked food and push all kinds of supplements) that I just didn't want to go there. What I have begun to realize is that I have an addiction to sugar. Not that I am going to use that as an excuse for not getting healthy, but, as any junkie knows, the way to get help is to admit that you have a problem. So now I am trying to figure out how to get the help. Unfortunately there are not a lot of rehab programs out there for sugar junkies. The best I was able to find was Overeaters Anonymous, and I don't know if I'm ready to go there yet. So the question is, do I quit cold turkey and try to do this on my own, or do I gradually come off the stuff and try to find support from other people like me. Hmmmm, I'll have to keep you posted on that one.

Because I was always a good student, I like to give credit where credit is due:
To read the Hoebel article, go to: http://www.princeton.edu/pr/news/02/q2/0620-hoebel.htm.
To read the May article, go to: http://www.three-peaks.net/annette/Processed-Sugar.htm.

Time, time, time, see what's become of me...

Wow, my last post was in September and it is now January. Time does fly. For some reason, it doesn't feel like it has been that long since my last post, but it has. Time has a funny way of sneaking by without being noticed. Or maybe time moves fast because I'm getting older...nah that can't be it.

Well, I made it through 2010 with all the ups and downs, most of the time it felt like there were more downs than ups, and here we are in 2011. I still look the same. I've been sitting at the same weight for an entire year. I joined a gym that I don't go to and I've watched as friends have lost weight, become healthier, and moved towards their goals while I'm stuck.

Ok, stuck may not be the right word. I have made the choice to stay where I am because I don't motivate myself to change. That may sound harsh, but it's true. I'm not going to make excuses for myself. I know what I need to do to change and I don't do it. Well, that is going to have to change. I've said that before but lately I've been having these weird dreams. In one dream, I'm older and having all kinds of problems because I didn't take care of myself. Last night I had a dream where I was working towards my goals and I was in a great relationship with a great guy. I think we were looking to purchase real estate from someone I work with at Burlington (kind of a cool apartment inside of a cool house, but I'm not absolutely positive about that). That part was strange, but the point is that the dreams gave me two options for myself. Also, the fact that this year marks a birthday that I would rather not have is motivation for me to move forward.

So, rather than sleeping in and throwing off my schedule, I am going to go to the gym and I am going to start making changes so that I can become healthier. I just heard a voice in my head say "yeah, right, we've heard that before" but it is true. I can't blame stress for my weight gain because I have a job that I really like and I am not bringing work home with me. My schedule is a little crazy, I work the overnight shift Tuesday-Saturday, but I like what I do. It's kind of easy and has given me the opportunity to consider going back to school and I've also learned how to crochet, which I really enjoy.

So welcome 2011. I don't know how happy I will be with you when July gets here, but I'll deal with that at another time. I will keep everyone posted on my progress and I will try not to whine so much. Thanks for reading and for all your support!