What do I want to be when I grow up...

When I was a kid, adults would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Well, when I was 7, it was an easy question to answer, a teacher. Between the ages of 7 and 11, I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to teach elementary school and would play school with my friends. This was also during a time when I really liked school and liked the idea of working with kids (or I was just really bossy and liked being in control).

When I was 11 years old and in 5th grade, I joined the drama club at school and got my first taste of acting. From that point until I graduated from high school, I wanted to be an actor. I loved acting. I loved having the chance to be someone else for a little while. I loved everything about the theater, and I still do. I was in several plays and musicals from 5th grade through college. The problem is, unless you are incredibly talented (or incredibly lucky) it is really hard to get a job as an actor. My parents were concerned about me struggling and being homeless and encouraged me to pick a career back-up plan. So I went off to college to try and figure out what I was going to do for the rest of my life.

I got into psychology after taking Abnormal Psychology during my second semester in college. I realized that I have an interest in people and what drives people to do what they do. Also, I realized that I was a good listener, a trait I should have picked up on long before college because I was the one my friends would come to when they were upset or needed to talk. As I continued through school, I realized that I could make a career out of listening to and trying to help others. What I didn't realize was that it would take more education for me to actually get to the point where I would be able to counsel others and I would not make a lot of money doing it. All that aside, I dived into my career choice and did everything that I needed to do to get to where I am today.

So, you're probably wondering why I titled this blog entry "What do I want to be when I grow up"? Well, I've recently left my job and have just been questioning my choices. I have had a rough time the past few months, made some mistakes because I was not fully on my game, and I have not been very happy. I'm beginning to wonder if I made the right choice, if being a counselor is really for me. I'm also a bit shaken up. I work hard and I try to do what is right, but I'm not perfect. I didn't ask for help when I really needed to (partially because I didn't know who to ask and partially because I didn't want to look like I couldn't handle the job) and I screwed up. Now I feel lost. I'm beginning to wonder if I can really be successful. I'm also wondering if I need to move in another direction. The problem is, I don't know what direction. I have to be honest, I never expected to be in this situation at this stage in my life.

So I will continue to ponder the question, what do I want to be... Maybe with some self-reflection and some guidance from friends, I'll figure it out.

Burnout or How I Woke Up from My Month Long Coma

Well, I looked at my blog posts and realized that my last post was on March 31st. Wow, I didn't think it was that long ago. Time really does fly.

A lot of things have happened over the past three months. In fact, I can't believe three months have flown by so quickly. I am not going to recap the last three months, stuff happened, I went on vacation, and more stuff happened (condensed recap). Instead, this blog is about how not asking for help + feeling overwhelmed = burnout.

As you all know, I was promoted to the Lead Clinician position at work back in November. Well things have not been going that great at work. I had to take on extra duties and felt like I was working all the time. I also had to deal with fall-out from a wonderful Medicaid audit (which was soooo much fun). So I did what any healthy, well-rounded, person would do, I shut down.

I know, healthy, well-rounded people do not shut down because healthy, well-rounded people know to ask for help. I did not ask for help partly because I wasn't sure who to ask and partly because I am very dense at times and felt that it would look like I was weak or that I couldn't handle my job if I asked for help. So for most of the month of July I was a walking zombie and it began to effect everyone around me.

How did I wake up? I was hit by a bolt of lightning. Not literally, I had a meeting with my supervisors and they told me that I needed to refocus because I was not being a leader in the office. The other thing they told me was that, by not focusing on the important aspects of the job, I was putting other people's jobs at risk. Whoa, there's the lightning. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt the people I work with. I really like the people I work with and I did not want them to worry about losing their jobs. So, the meeting and a pep talk from a wonderful friend help to wake me up and, honestly, I feel really good. Feeling burned out is very tiring and I didn't realize how horrible I felt until I came out of it.

What did I learn from this experience? Do not be afraid to ask for help. It takes a strong person to reach out and ask for help and the weak one to try to take everything on by yourself.

Thanks for reading. I will post again soon, I promise. :)

New Outlook

Hello everyone. My last posting was a bit heavy. March has been a tough month and, now that it's over, I thought I would take on a different outlook. Also, it's spring and, as many friends have told me, it is a time for renewal. So with April on the horizon, I thought I would start looking at renewal.

The first place to start is with my attitude. Lately, I've been so into everything that I haven't done, bemoaning my current weight and financial status. Well, the time for moaning is over and the time for action is now.

First thing to tackle, the weight. I have decided to divorce Jenny Craig and take on the weight loss battle myself. I thought about how long I've been on the Jenny Craig program and how it just was not working for me. Let's face it, I started the program in 2001 and, nine years later, I still haven't reached my goal weight. Not that Jenny Craig is an awful program, it's not. It just wasn't working for me. I like to cook and eat real food. I got tired of eating the prepared meals and I have decided that I need to learn to eat healthy with regular food. I did learn some things from being in the Jenny Craig program. I learned what a healthy portion looks like and I learned that it is good to eat something every 3-4 hours so that I'm not starving when I sit down to eat a meal. So I will take what I've learned and apply it to my regular eating habits. I am also rejoining the YMCA and I am going to start working out like I use to.

In regards to my money, if I am eating food that I've prepared at home and cut down on eating out, I will help both my weight loss and save money! I am also going to pay attention to what I am spending and I am going to stop spending money I do not have. I've already started this and it is not as hard as I thought it was going to be.

So these are my renewal plans. They seem kind of simple, and I guess they are, but they will not be easy. I will keep all of you posted on how I'm doing. Who knows, maybe I'll develop my own healthy eating plan, sell it and make a lot of money. We'll see.... :)

Breaking point

Wow, I just looked at the date of my last post and it has been a while since I updated this blog. It also reminded me just how fast time passes because it sure does not feel like a month since the last time I wrote.

A lot has happened in a month and I'm sad to say that I am not in a very good place at this moment. I've been hit with a lot of bad news recently and my world is off-kilter at the moment. The balance that I thought I had in my life is completely gone and now I have to figure out a way to get things back on track.

I've rambled a bit without saying much, so I'm going to put it out there. I lost someone close to me last week and spent this week in New England to attend her wake and funeral. Not an easy trip and I'm still reeling from everything. On top of this, I received a call from my dad yesterday. He called to tell me that he was in the hospital on Tuesday after fainting at rehab. Fortunately, the doctors could not find anything wrong and he was able to go home on Wednesday, but it is a reminder that, although he is progressing in his rehabilitation from his stroke, he is still not completely in the clear. He sounded good and reassured me that he was fine and I believe him. For one minute I wished I was closer to him so that I could see for myself that he is really ok.

Alright, I am not going to make this a post about how life is short and we need to live it to the fullest. Or how we need to let those we love know how we feel before it is too late. I think we all already know this and I'm sure a lot of you out there already try to do this. No, I'm going to be honest about how I'm feeling right now and hope that, by the time I'm done, I can try to figure out how to get myself back on track.

I titled this post 'breaking point' because I feel like I am at a point where if I make one more bad choice or if something bad happens either to myself or someone I care about, I don't think I'll be able to cope. I already feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and one move will send me over the edge. I have put on more weight and I now weigh more than I did when I started this blog. At my last weigh in, I was 266.6 pounds. Not where I want to be. My financial state is not good either. I am in the red, feeling like I am one step close to living on the street, and I just can't seem to figure out how I got here. Poor choices and the inability to manage my money and my food intake are the first things that pop into my mind. My ideas to break bad habits have gone by the wayside and I am now in a position where I have to change. I do not want to live on the street and I do not want to have a heart attack or get diabetes or have any kind of medical problems. I am tired and I am scared. Deep down, I know what I have to do, I'm just scared and it is fear that is holding me back. I am afraid that people will look down on me because of the mistakes I have made. I am ashamed of the fact that I can't seem to keep my finances in order and that I have to ask to borrow money from others just to make it to the next paycheck. I am feeling like a big, fat loser who has been acting like a confident person for so long that the facade is starting to break. I have been playing so many different parts lately that I don't know how to just be me anymore. Actually, I'm not really sure who I am anymore.

I have a decision to make. Do I fall off the cliff and ignore my situation until everything falls down around me? Or do I move into scary territory and really make the changes needed to set things right? Should I continue to allow fear to keep me where I am or do I talk about what is really going on and deal with the fall-out. Ignoring the situation is no longer an option. It is time to work on the problem because I need to move forward. I am tired of being afraid. I'm tired of worrying about what other people will think of me. I need to figure out who I am again and I need to make good choices that will benefit me and not worry about how I will be judged.

Life really is too short. In order to really live my life, I need to stop being so afraid. Going over the edge is not an option. Time to face fear.

I would like to dedicate this to everyone who has had to face fear in any aspect and has come out a stronger person on the other side. You are my inspiration.

Blahs....

Hello fellow eaters! I would like to start off this blog by thanking everyone for the helps tips and advice that were sent to me after my last post. I appreciate it and the love that is behind each comment.

So here we are in February, the middle of winter. The groundhog saw his shadow, which means 4 more weeks of winter. I never really did understand this tradition. Everyone knows that winter usually lasts through the month of February and most of March. I've always wondered what would happen if the groundhog didn't see his shadow? Would winter magically disappear?

Ok, I digress. So with winter comes the blahs. That feeling like you're in a rut and the weather is grey and it's dark and what is the point of going through the motions one more day. Sound familiar? Well, I've got the blahs. I know what you're thinking (especially what some of my northern friends are thinking), she lives in Florida, the sunshine state, they don't have cold and crappy weather there, how can she have the winter blahs? Well, the weather here in Sarasota has not been the best. It's been rainy and damp and chilly and, lately, I've found myself in the dumps and in a rut. I'll be honest, since mid-January, I've been gaining weight. A pound here, a pound there until finally, when I went for my Jenny Craig appointment on February 1st, I was right back where I started when I first started this blog. Now, when I took some time for myself and thought about how I ended up at my starting point, I had to admit that I wasn't paying attention to what I was eating. Somehow I had lost focus and ended up putting the weight back on. I also realized that I have not been as active as I normally was. I had been feeling tired and run down and I just stopped taking care of myself like I should. At that point, I just wanted to crawl into my bed and hibernate through the rest of winter (Lord knows I have enough weight piled on to carry me through winter). Since I'm not a bear and I have responsibilities that I need to attend to, hibernation is not an option. Also, hibernation is like hiding and, as I have found out through experience, you can't hide from your problems. They always come back to bite you. So, time for a new course of action.

So I started paying attention again. I realized that I am in a rut and changes need to happen. First change, opening my heart and mind to my goals. I know that probably sounds a little strange, but I either heard or read one time (I don't remember which) that, if you want something from life, you need to be open to it. If you open yourself up and say that you are ready for change and ready for what life has in store for you, it will happen. Well, I am ready to be a 180 pound person. I am ready to be the person I know I can be. I am ready to be confident and to take on whatever challenge life has in store. So, I guess what I'm saying is, ok life, whatever the plan is, I'm ready and open for it.

Wow, that's a freeing and scary statement because I truly have to let go of all my bad habits and all of the things I've been clinging to for comfort (i.e. food), and I have to rely on myself and know that I have the strength to do this. Somehow I kind of sound like a broken record, but my hope is that if I continue to tell myself that I'm strong and that it's ok to let go and open up to all the wonderful opportunities life has for me, that I will truly believe it. Knowing that I have family and friends that offer a lot of love and support also helps.

So there it is. I will be open and I am ready for the next round of changes that are in store. Oh, and before I forget, I lost 2.2 pounds this week. So moving past the blahs was a good thing! Happy winter and don't worry, spring will be here before we know it. :)

Fear and Self-Loathing in Sarasota

Hello fellow eaters. This edition of Don't Eat That will either show that I am fairly normal because other people have done the same thing or that I am absolutely crazy. Read on to find out more...



The other night I was looking at myself in the mirror while I was brushing my teeth and I started thinking about my goals in life. I'm pretty happy with the progress I've made in my career, but my financial goals and my weight loss goals, not so much. In those areas, I feel like I'm constantly moving one step forward and 10 to 20 steps back. So I started to become frustrated with myself and my two sides, the therapist side and the client side, came out. Now, as a therapist, my job is to help guide the client towards reaching his or her goal. One way to do that is to confront the client with his or her own words and actions as a way of helping them see how they are blocking the way to their goals. So the therapist side of my brain began telling the client side of my brain that what I am doing is not working. Continuing to behave the way that I have been is not going to get me where I want to go. I reminded myself that the definition of insanity is when you continually behave one way and believe it will lead to a different result. That is what I've been doing. I don't know why, but I seem to think that I can continue to eat what I want and exercise half-heartedly and lose weight. Meanwhile, I have a freezer full of Jenny Craig meals that I know if I eat and follow the plan, I will loose weight. The same thing goes with my money. Bills will not go away if I ignore them. On the contrary, the phone will ring off the hook with people from India who go by the name of Bill (and you know that is not their real name) on the other line asking for credit card payments and wanting to know why you fell behind. I really am tired of both of these things and it is time I did something about it. The therapist side of my brain said, "You've said this before and yet, here you are in the same place and nothing has changed." "That's not true," the client side said, "I've lost some weight." "But you haven't lost enough and, frankly, I'm tired of being in the 260s. It's time for a real change and not just lip service." The therapist side is right, of course. There is something that continually holds me back. I haven't completely figured out what it is, but I really need to do some searching and find out why I just can't seem to make certain changes stick.

I also really need to look into some real therapy. Going between two different sides of my brain is beginning to make me feel a little schizophrenic. So, the quest to loose weight and make positive changes for myself continues. I do believe I will move off this plateau that I am on and begin to move again. Also, some new options have opened up on the financial front and I do believe I will be out of the red very soon.

I shall keep you posted. Also, if anyone else ever has these kinds of discussions with themselves, please let me know. It would be nice to know that I am not so strange. Also, I am taking suggestions for good therapists in the Sarasota area, preferably ones who specializes in dealing with multiple personalities. :)

Until next time, keep working towards your goals and keep eating!

Disappointment

Well it's week three into the new year and, so far, I'm doing pretty well in the weight loss arena. If you remember, in my last post, I informed everyone that I gained 8 pounds over Christmas. Well, so far, I've lost 4 pounds, 3 last week and 1 this week. So I'm back on the right track and feeling pretty good about myself. I'm also feeling good about the way I am handling things in my life. The title of this blog is disappointments and I experienced a big one last week. Now, to me, disappointment means when something you want pretty badly doesn't work out the way you would like. It could involve work, a relationship, a planned trip, it doesn't matter. It is just something that you were hoping for that does not occur. In the past, I would handle disappointment by eating my weight in ice cream (well, not exactly, but you get the point). Food has always been my comforter. I don't know why, but there is something very soothing about eating, especially eating something you really enjoy. Well I realize that it is not healthy or good for weight loss to gorge on sweet, fattening treats just because I'm upset. So when I faced a major disappointment last week, I turned to friends instead of food. You know what, I received that same feeling of comfort from talking to my friends as I felt when I ate. The good part is that I don't consume any calories when I talk to my friends. In fact, I probably burn some because I don't just talk with my mouth, I also use my hands and arms. Also, by talking to friends, I was able to work through my hurt and disappointment and I have begun to feel better. So talking things out is definitely better for me than eating (who knew?) So, to all my friends who allowed me to chew their ears off as I worked through my feelings last week, thanks! You guys are awesome and really kept me from going off the deep end (in regards to food, personally, I fell off the deep end years ago). I also want to thank everyone for reading. Writing this blog has really helped me identify my food triggers and has kept me honest about my weight loss. Who knows, if I wasn't writing this blog, I may have eaten my weight in ice cream last week instead of handling things in a more healthy way. So, for all of you who have faced disappointments or are currently trying to get over one, keep your chin up and don't be afraid to talk. This too shall pass. :)

Resolutions and responsibility

Happy New Year everyone. Yes I know it's already the second week of January and I am finally getting around to writing, but between traveling and getting back into the swing of things at work, time has not been on my side.

Ok, I made it through the holidays, visiting with my family, and all the fattening food and I ended up gaining about 7 pounds, which puts me back to where I was when I first started this blog (talk about coming full circle). Since this is a new year, I think it's fitting that I'm starting over again, don't you agree?

Now, I'm sure some of you out there make New Year's resolutions, maybe about quitting smoking, losing weight, exercising more, etc, but how many of us keep those resolutions? I can tell you that I have never kept a resolution for more than a week, which is why I stopped making them a few years ago. I began to realize that my good intentions just did not hold out and the pressure of trying to keep a promise to yourself was just too much for me, so I folded. This year is a little different. I returned to Sarasota on January 2nd feeling the same way I always feel when I return from a trip, a little sad that it is over and a little relieved to be back in my regular routine. This time was different. On Sunday, when I got out of the shower, I took a good look at myself in the mirror and realized that this was another new year and I am still the same person. Every year I say to myself, this year will be different. I will lose the weight and I will be healthy and happy and every January 1st I am still in the same place, still weighing the same as I did the year before and not much closer to being healthy. This time, when I looked in the mirror, I got angry at myself. You may think I'm a little crazy (although those of you who know me well will not think this is strange), but I gave myself a stern talking to. Basically, I decided I'm tired of making excuses and I'm tired of being lazy and I'm tired of not reaching my goals. There is no reason why I can't lose the weight. I don't have a medical problem that is keeping it on. I am physically capable of exercising and being more active. The only problem I have is my attitude. I have a self-defeatist attitude. I think I have always had a self-defeatist attitude and it has kept me from reaching goals that I could very easily achieve. Now that I have identified the problem, it's time to tackle it. One of the ways I am going to do this is by being honest and taking responsibility for my actions. When I got on the scale last week and saw the amount of weight I gained, I owned it. I knew I wasn't watching what I was eating while I was in Chicago. I didn't exercise and I didn't follow my plan. That will change now. No more excuses and no more games. I want to look in the mirror next January and say "great job!" You accomplished your goals. You are not the same person you were last year, you've dropped weight, you're healthier, and, most importantly, you're happier.

So, I guess my resolution is to get rid of the self-defeatist attitude. It's not going to be easy, this has been my basic attitude since I was about 12 years old, so it will be a challenge to change a behavior that has been around for so long but I'm ready to try. I did get on the scale yesterday and I lost 3.6 pounds, so I'm off to a good start.

Thank you to everyone who continues to read and comment. I hope I will continue to inspire some of you to meet some of your own goals in 2010. I have a feeling this will be a good year!