Breaking point

Wow, I just looked at the date of my last post and it has been a while since I updated this blog. It also reminded me just how fast time passes because it sure does not feel like a month since the last time I wrote.

A lot has happened in a month and I'm sad to say that I am not in a very good place at this moment. I've been hit with a lot of bad news recently and my world is off-kilter at the moment. The balance that I thought I had in my life is completely gone and now I have to figure out a way to get things back on track.

I've rambled a bit without saying much, so I'm going to put it out there. I lost someone close to me last week and spent this week in New England to attend her wake and funeral. Not an easy trip and I'm still reeling from everything. On top of this, I received a call from my dad yesterday. He called to tell me that he was in the hospital on Tuesday after fainting at rehab. Fortunately, the doctors could not find anything wrong and he was able to go home on Wednesday, but it is a reminder that, although he is progressing in his rehabilitation from his stroke, he is still not completely in the clear. He sounded good and reassured me that he was fine and I believe him. For one minute I wished I was closer to him so that I could see for myself that he is really ok.

Alright, I am not going to make this a post about how life is short and we need to live it to the fullest. Or how we need to let those we love know how we feel before it is too late. I think we all already know this and I'm sure a lot of you out there already try to do this. No, I'm going to be honest about how I'm feeling right now and hope that, by the time I'm done, I can try to figure out how to get myself back on track.

I titled this post 'breaking point' because I feel like I am at a point where if I make one more bad choice or if something bad happens either to myself or someone I care about, I don't think I'll be able to cope. I already feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and one move will send me over the edge. I have put on more weight and I now weigh more than I did when I started this blog. At my last weigh in, I was 266.6 pounds. Not where I want to be. My financial state is not good either. I am in the red, feeling like I am one step close to living on the street, and I just can't seem to figure out how I got here. Poor choices and the inability to manage my money and my food intake are the first things that pop into my mind. My ideas to break bad habits have gone by the wayside and I am now in a position where I have to change. I do not want to live on the street and I do not want to have a heart attack or get diabetes or have any kind of medical problems. I am tired and I am scared. Deep down, I know what I have to do, I'm just scared and it is fear that is holding me back. I am afraid that people will look down on me because of the mistakes I have made. I am ashamed of the fact that I can't seem to keep my finances in order and that I have to ask to borrow money from others just to make it to the next paycheck. I am feeling like a big, fat loser who has been acting like a confident person for so long that the facade is starting to break. I have been playing so many different parts lately that I don't know how to just be me anymore. Actually, I'm not really sure who I am anymore.

I have a decision to make. Do I fall off the cliff and ignore my situation until everything falls down around me? Or do I move into scary territory and really make the changes needed to set things right? Should I continue to allow fear to keep me where I am or do I talk about what is really going on and deal with the fall-out. Ignoring the situation is no longer an option. It is time to work on the problem because I need to move forward. I am tired of being afraid. I'm tired of worrying about what other people will think of me. I need to figure out who I am again and I need to make good choices that will benefit me and not worry about how I will be judged.

Life really is too short. In order to really live my life, I need to stop being so afraid. Going over the edge is not an option. Time to face fear.

I would like to dedicate this to everyone who has had to face fear in any aspect and has come out a stronger person on the other side. You are my inspiration.