Years go by

I had a birthday this year.  I realize this is a stupid statement because everyone has a birthday every year.  But I had a big birthday this year.  One that I was in complete denial about that I had to leave the country to try and forget about it.  Yes my friends, I turned 40 on July 6th and spent my birthday in England, well London, actually at the Tower of London to be exact.

Why am I writing about this now?  Well, like I said, I've been in denial over my age and I actually came face to face with it over the weekend.  Last Saturday I watched the movie Pearl Jam 20 directed by Cameron Crowe.  The movie documented the band's beginnings in 1990, the release of "10" in 1991 and the band's subsequent rise to fame.  The movie showed clips of the young members in Seattle in 1991 and interviews with the band members today.  As I watched the movie, I realized that the members of Pearl Jam were my age or one to two years older.  As I looked at what the members looked like today, it hit me, I was no longer in my twenties.  Hell, I'm no longer in my thirties.  I had reached the age that I thought was way off in the distance. 

After the movie was over, I went into the bathroom to get cleaned up for work.  I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "Where did these lines in my forehead come from?  Where did these lines around my eyes and mouth come from?  What happened to the young, idealistic woman I use to be?"

The truth is, I grew up.  Time has a funny way of sneaking up on you like that.  I am no longer the young, carefree person I was when I was 20, back when my only concerns were whether or not I was going to class that morning and scraping together $5-10 for pitchers of beer at the college bar (God I miss the days of the $3 pitcher).  Now, I have a career and bills and my taste in beer has matured from Miller Light.  I worry about the economy and my job.  I worry about my health, my parents' health, and trying to make ends meet.  I wonder if I'll ever get married and have children or if I will continue to be single.  The highs and the lows of the last 20 years of my life play out in my face and, the more I look at it, the more I like it.  The fact that I have laugh lines speaks to all of the good times I have had and the fact that I prefer to laugh at things, rather than take everything so seriously.

Overall, the last 20 years haven't been that bad.  I have had the opportunity to do a lot of great things and have a lot of memories that I cherish.  As I finished getting ready to go to work, I closed the door to my denial over my age.  I don't look like I'm 40 and I certainly don't act like it.  This is a new chapter in my life, one that I am ready to face as a confident and somewhat slimmer person.  I am ready for new adventures and challenges and I plan to make the most of every day.  Twenty years from now, I hope I can look back with fondness over how I spent the next 20 years.

I lost 0.2 pounds.  A little disappointing considering how much I exercised and tried to watch my food intake last week, but a loss is a loss no matter how small.  I worked out 4 days last week and spent 2 days pulling weeds, digging, and doing various jobs around the yard (and that was when I really felt my age.  It takes a lot longer now to bounce back from vigorous workouts than it did when I was in my 20's).

So remember, you are only as old as you feel, so continue to think and feel young!  Thank you all again for your support and comments, both here and on my FB page, and thanks for reading!

A picture of me at the Tower of London on my birthday.

My Second Job?

Good morning everyone.  It is currently 9:50am here in Florida and I am wondering why I am still awake.  This may sound a little strange, but since I work from 10:30pm to 7:00am it is strange for me to be up at this time.  The fact is that I just finished a phone interview for a position within the company I currently work for and I'm a little keyed up, and since I haven't posted a new blog for this week, I decided to write.

I am going to brag about two people that I know and love, my sister and brother-in-law.  At the beginning of the year, my sister and brother-in-law decided they wanted to get healthy and lose weight.  So, with some support, they changed their diets and started exercising.  Now for the bragging part, so far my brother-in-law has lost 164 pounds and my sister has lost about 100 pounds.  I cannot tell you how proud I am of them and how much of an inspiration they have been to me!

I bring this up because I was talking to my sister last week about her weight loss and she told me that others have said she's been an inspiration to them as well.  I asked her how she responds when people say that and she said, having a strong support system and exercise have been the keys to her success.  Since I've been in a bit of an exercise slump lately, I asked my sister what motivates her to exercise.  She said, "I look at it as a job.  I don't really want to do it, but I know I have to." 

I can't explain it, but that statement really hit me.  My sister works out five days a week and, by looking at it as a job, something she has to do, she actually does it.  Well, after talking with my sister, I got back to the gym and started weight training again.  I even managed to exercise after work, before going to bed.  So far I have worked out four days this week and I feel pretty great.  When I am struggling to get to the gym or to get out and run, I just think "This is my job.  I have no choice, I have to do this" and it works.  I know that I lose weight faster when I exercise, along with having more energy and feeling better about myself, thanks to the endorphins.  I even shared this wisdom during my Weight Watchers meeting on Monday and several people agreed that was a good way to motivate themselves to exercise.  So a big THANK YOU to my sister for helping me to get out of my exercise slump and a bit THANK YOU to both my sister and brother-in-law for continuing to motivate me with their successes.  I know if they can do it, I can too!

I did lose 1.6 pounds this week, so I've lost half of what I gained.  I am hoping to have lost the rest of the weight I recently gained plus some extra this coming week.  Also, the supervisory position I wrote about in a previous post fell through.  So I have a job at my current company until 12/30 and I am hoping to be hired for the position I interviewed for this morning, which is similar to what I am doing now, except working with the commercial EAP accounts.  If I do get this position, there is a possibility to move into a supervisory position at a later date.  Good thoughts, vibes, and prayers are welcomed and appreciated and I will keep you updated.

So, as the weather cools off and before it gets too cold, get outside and enjoy the fall (yes, fall has finally reached Florida.  It was 60 degrees out when I left work this morning!)  What motivates you?  If you'd like to share any motivating thoughts or sayings, please leave me a comment, I'd love to read them. :)

Blurred vision

I've been thinking a lot lately about something one of my professors said in my intro to counseling class, if you want to change something in your life, you must first visualize what that change will be like for you.  It is that visual image that will help motivate you to reach your goals.  Why have I been thinking about this, because I think my vision is blurred.

I've been off the wagon lately as far as my food intake and exercise plans are concerned.  Somehow, I've lost the vision behind losing weight and, with that, I've also lost my motivation.  Now I know there are things I can do to help me visualize what it will be like when I'm at my goal weight.  I can cut out pictures of healthy, thin bodies and glue my head to them (I know some people who have done this), but that has never really appealed to me.  Instead, I pulled out some old photos of me from when I was at my heaviest and thought about the person I was then compared to who I am now.  In spite of the backwards steps I have experienced recently, I really feel like I've come along way.  When I looked at the photos, I saw someone who was trying to hide behind big clothes, long hair, and a big body.  Back then, I was shy and lacked the confidence and strength I have now.  I feel I was just existing during that phase in my life and not taking the active role in my life that I am now.  I weigh 22 pounds less than I did 10 years ago and, although it may not seem like much, for me it has meant a huge change.

So I have my visualization.  If I feel empowered right now with the small weight loss, imagine how empowered I will feel once I reach my goal.  My ego may become too big to be held in any room! (Just kidding).  My vision is clearing, I know where I want to go, I know what I want to look like, and I know what I need to do and I plan to do it!

Last week I talked about decisions I needed to make regarding my job.  I have decided to stay at my current job.  I was offered an extension through the end of the year.  Hopefully, during that time, the company will either get the contract with the Army, or another opportunity to move into a supervisory position will open up.  Either way, I have a good feeling about staying.  I feel this is where I need to be right now.  Thank you to everyone who either left a comment for me here or on my facebook page.  Your thoughts and encouragement are very helpful, especially when I'm not feel that sure about myself.

I gained 0.8 pounds this week, but this will be the end of the weight gain.  The leader of my Weight Watchers meeting said something that made me think about my own weight loss.  She shared that she was a slow loser, losing about 0.4 pounds a week and, if she went on a binge, she would gain 2 pounds in 1 week, undoing 5 weeks of work.  She said that she would think about that whenever she had the urge to splurge and, instead of eating the whole cake or overindulging in alcohol, would have one slice or one drink.  Something for me to think about since it will take 3-4 weeks for me to lose what I have gained.  So I will visualize what that looks like for me and I will enjoy my life, in moderation.

Visualize your dreams and make them a reality.  :)

Decisions, decisions

Happy October everyone!  As you know from my "Fall" post, this is one of my favorite months and the weather here in Sarasota has been cooperating (2 days with the air conditioner off and the windows open, then had to turn the air back on).  Hopefully the cooler weather will make an appearance sooner rather than later. :)

Recently I've had to make some decisions regarding work.  For those of you who don't know, I am a licensed mental health counselor (long title, but best way to describe what I do) and for the past year I have worked for Ceridian under the Military OneSource (MOS) contract.  What is that?  Well MOS is the employee assistance program for the military and my job is to help service members and family members get set up with counseling.  I work in a call center, so I do the counseling and assessments over the phone, which has been a new experience for me because I am use to working with children and providing face to face counseling.  Well, back in August, I learned that the Department of Defense (who gave Ceridian the MOS contract) decided to give the MOS contract to a different vendor, which means, as of October 30th, I will no longer have a job under this contract.  Scary, yes, but not as scary as when I lost my job last year.  At least this time, I had some time to try and figure out what I was going to do.  Well here I am in October and I am still not absolutely sure what I want to do.  I have 2 different job offers that I am trying to decide between.  One is continuing working for Ceridian under a different contract.  It is a supervisory position and offers me the opportunity to do something different and a significant pay increase, that is, if the company gets the contract.  The other job is working for another agency located in Clearwater working with mentally ill adults.  This job give me the opportunity to work with adults, which I haven't done, and is an actual position that is ready for me to take.  The downside is the salary is the same as I am making now and I will be traveling farther to get to work.  What to do, what to do...

On top of that, I would really like to go back to school to get my PhD. and I would like to move towards starting my own practice.  So, as you can see, there is a lot going on.  As I sit here writing, the thought "If I was granted a job wish, what would it be?' entered into my head.  If I did not have to worry about collecting a regular paycheck and did not need health insurance, I would focus on starting my own practice and put my energy into that.  But, alas, I have not recently won the lottery nor have I met an incredibly rich man who wants to make all my dreams come true.  I am a single woman who needs a regular paycheck and health insurance if I want to continue to live in a house, drive a car, and have food to eat.  So I have to table that dream for right now, but it is something that will happen.  I will have my own practice one day!

So, for now, it's trying to make a work decision that is right for me.  I think I know which way I am going to go, I just need to take a few deep breaths, build up my confidence, and make my choice.  I will let you know what I decide.

So, this was not the best week for me.  I gained 2.2 pounds this week, partially due to my monthly cycle (sometimes it's just so great to be a woman), and to the fact that I was off my game as far as what I was eating.  When I looked back on what I ate last week, I realized that I was not getting in as many fruits and vegetables as I normally do.  So that is the focus for this week.  Hopefully it will show on the scale!

To everyone out there who has their own tough decisions to make, or who have made them and are second guessing themselves, know you are not alone.  Feel free to share your thoughts with me, or if you are in need of good thoughts passed your way, let me know.  I am always happy to send good thoughts to my friends!

Inspiration and Transformation

Last week was challenging.  Stress, lack of motivation, and frustration at myself left me feeling like an emotional mess by the time Sunday night rolled around.  I was feeling pretty low and beginning to doubt that I was going to be able to reach any my goals.  So when the alarm clock went off at 8:30am on Monday, the last thing I wanted to do was get up and go to a Weight Watchers meeting.  I felt like I had been run over by a bulldozer and I just wanted to find a big rock to crawl under and hide from everything.

What did I do?  I got up, got dressed and went to the meeting, and I am so glad that I did.  This week, the focus was on inspiration and motivation.  The group leader asked use all to write down what it was that made us decide to join WW.  While we were writing, she shared her story about how she had been in poor health due to her weight, suffering from diabetes and high blood pressure, and she realized the only way she could get that under control was to lose weight.  Some of the other members shared their stories, some had health reasons, others were tired of the way they looked and the comments they received from friends and loved ones, most of the members who shared their stories had been WW members before.  I decided to share my story.  As those of you who have been following my blog before know, I've been battling my weight for quite some time and, although this is my first time joining WW, I have been on several other diets that have not worked for me.  I told the group that, when I walked through the WW door that February day, I was tired of the way I looked.  I was tired of looking at myself in the mirror every January and seeing the same fat person staring back at me.  I also talked about how I celebrated a big birthday this year and decided that I was ready to take control of my eating and my relationship with food.

It felt really good to share and to realize that I am not alone on this journey.  After talking about what motivated us to join, we wrote down why we were there, at the meeting, week after week.  My answer was short, I am doing this for me.  As I looked at my answer, I began to think of the things I have started doing for myself and the ways I have started to put myself first, rather than hide behind others, and it felt good.  As the meeting was wrapping up, the group leader talked about Dr. Oz's Million Dollar Transformation Challenge.  The Dr. Oz show has partnered with WW to help motivate people to make healthy changes in their lives and, by making these transformation, you could win one million dollars.  My group leader told everyone that, if they wanted, they could pick up an application to join the challenge and encouraged everyone to watch the Dr. Oz show that afternoon.  As the meeting ended, I was sitting and talking to two women that I have become friends with and one of them looked at me and said, "You should do this.  You should sign up to win the million dollars."  Well I looked at her and laughed, not sure what to say, when the group leader came over to me and said the same thing.  I think I gave them a look that said, "Are you crazy", when the group leader said she thought I would be a perfect candidate to transform my life.  As my two friends shook their heads in agreement, I realized that there were three people who didn't know me that well, but firmly believed that I could transform my life.  Talk about a big jolt of inspiration!  If these people who I have only had contact with during WW meetings firmly believed I have what it takes to transform my life, why didn't I?  So I took an application and filled it out and I watched the Dr. Oz show and completed the online application.  Who knows, I may be one of the finalist on the show in May, I may just be the one who wins the million dollars.  Whether I win or not, I will transform myself, from the inside out, and I will continue with this journey.

Last week, I gained 1.6 pounds.  This week I lost half of it, 0.8.  I am happy for any loss because it is another step in the right direction.  Overall I have lost 15.4 pounds since I started this journey.

So, as I close this blog entry on inspiration, I want to share one more person who has also inspired me when it comes to writing and being creative.  I recently reconnected with my friend Leanne from college through Facebook.  Leanne has a blog call From Chaos Comes Happiness,  fromchaoscomeshappiness.blogspot.com, where she has written about the ups and downs in her creative and personal life and does it in such a way that, even when she is going through tough times, she still manages to be positive.  I have linked Leanne's blog and I encourage you to check it out.  I hope you will find it as inspiring as I have!

Who or what inspires you?  Leave me a message, I'd love to know. 

Now, go out and be inspired to reach your goals!

Fall

Since tomorrow is the first day of fall and we are coming up on the end of September, I have been thinking a lot about the fall. The temperatures begin to drop. There is a crisp feeling in the air where you don't quite need a coat outside, but you need a sweatshirt or sweater. The leaves begin to change and thoughts turn to Halloween and Thanksgiving. Overall, this is my favorite time of year. Or at least it was until I moved to Florida, the place where fall doesn't exist.

Ok, I know my friends who live in the north are probably going to tell me to stop whining because Florida is a great place to live in the winter. Which is true. The problem is that I've been dealing with hot and humid weather since the end of April and, by the time October gets here, I'm really tired of it. It should not be 90+ degrees with 100% humidity in October. Also, the leaves don't change color down here and by the time October comes, I'm tired of having my house closed up and running the air conditioner.

Yes, I am complaining. October has always been one of my favorite months. I can remember as a child, breaking out my favorite sweaters and planning my Halloween costume. As I got older, there were bonfires and sweatshirts and that invigorating feeling of the seasons changing.

I don't feel that now. Now I just feel the anticipation of when the heat will break. I've been living in Florida for 11 years and you'd think I'd be use to it by now. But I'm not. Every October I become nostalgic for crisp weather, changing leaves, hay rides, and cold Halloweens. Thank you all for letting me whine a bit and wax nostalgic for a bit.

What is your favorite season? Or any thoughts on Fall? Leave me a comment, I'd love to hear from you. Happy Fall!  

The Perfect Week...

What would the perfect week look like? That was the question that was posed during the Weight Watchers meeting last week. I know that they were talking about a perfect week ont he plan, but it started me thinking about what a perfect week in my life would look like.

Well I don't know about a perfect week, but a good week would go like this:

• I would get off work on time and go home without feeling like I was going to fall asleep (something that could happen when you work the overnight shift)


• I would get more than 4 hours of sleep during the day


• Disruptions would be down to a minimum (including cat disruptions)


• I would go to the gym 4 days that week


• I would honestly track everything and lose 5 pounds that week


• I would take time to do something I enjoy


• The man of my dreams would arrive at my house with beautiful flowers wanting to take me away to his private island (ok, so I've moved from good week to fantasy land) :)

Some of these items I can actually do. Sometimes I just get so caught up with the ins and outs of daily life that I don't take time to do things I enjoy. The problem is, I'm not exactly sure what I would like to do if I had time available. I feel a little stuck and this carried over into my week last week.

I did not have the perfect week like WW suggested. I did track, but I wasn't completely honest, which is funny because I am the only person I am fooling when i don't track all my food. I also was not motivated to exercise. For some reason I have had a hard time motivating myself to go to the gym last week and this week. I can't put my finger on it. I almost feel like I am burned out. Now, I did exercise 3 days last week (good but not great) and I used some of the suggestions that people left for me last week (thank you!) One thing that I discovered that I have to share is, the on demand feature on Verizon Fios has an exercise channel. Now, I'm sure I've seen this channel before when I've been zipping through the on demand feature looking for episodes of Pawn Stars or What Not To Wear, but I've never actually looked at the programs offered. Well, there is a lot of different exercise programs, some are 15 minutes, some 30 and there are some that are 1 hour. They have everything from yoga, to core exercises, to walking and areobic. So I tried one. I did a 2 mile walk program sponsored by the American Heart Association. This was a great workout. It got me moving and had me doing a lot more than just schlepping along on the tread mill. Once I got past the perky trainer, it was fun. I plan to try more programs this week to shake up my routine.

So, I gained 1 pound this week, but that's ok. This is a journey that is not going to be perfect, but I am learning a lot about myself, which is what counts. Thank you for all the encouragment and suggestions. They are much appreciated.

I hope you have a perfect week!