Strength, something found where you least exprect it.

This weeks blog is late because it's been really hard for me to pull my thoughts together in order to write. As I reported last week, I am currently in Chicago. Well Alsip, Illinois to be exact. I am sitting in the basement of the home I grew up in and have spent the past week on an emotional roller coaster. Coming up here to help out with my dad, who got out of the hospital 2 weeks ago, has not been easy. It's been hard watching him struggle with his difficulty walking and the fact that he has limited use of his left arm. He is an independent person who has to rely on others to help him get to the bathroom, help him dress, take a shower, cut up his food. I know the situation is not easy for him and, in turn, he becomes frustrated with himself and takes it out on the caregivers.

The week started off rough and I had a lot of flashbacks to my childhood. I am the type of person who does not like conflict. I actually hate it and I try to avoid it as much as possible. So to have to dive head first into a tense and somewhat volatile situation was not easy. Listening to my dad become frustrated and start yelling at my mom, at my brother, and at me was not easy. Sunday was especially rough. By 12:00pm, I was ready to either eat my weight in ice cream or be checked in to the nearest loony bin. Fortunately, neither one of those things happened. As the week progressed, things started to get better. Developing a routine with my dad, especially in the morning, really helped. Also, having a routine set for the shower really helped! I do have to say one thing that I've discovered about my father, he is a strong man. I've always known about his strong personality, his stubborn streak and his strong beliefs, but I've seen another side of his strength over the past few days. It takes a certain kind of strength to give up a part of your independence and not fall into a depression. I know he is worried that he will not be able to walk without a cane and brace and I know he is very worried that he will not be able to move his left arm again, but he continues to try. He goes to therapy three days a week and the days he does not do therapy, he does the recommended exercises and gets out of the house for a walk. The day after he came home from the hospital, my dad could only make it to the neighbor's driveway and back. He was very tired after walking upstairs to the bathroom and he had a difficult time completing the arm exercises. Now, he is walking almost to the end of the block, climbing the stairs without getting tired and completing all the exercises without as much difficulty. He is also more patient with us. I spent some one-on-one time with my dad today and he seemed to be more like his old self. He moved his left arm a little and started talking about getting better and moving past this. I am really proud of him and I truly hope he continues to focus on getting better.

As for myself, I am proud of my own strength. This week I have begun to realize that I can handle confrontation. That I my job is not to save others, but to point them in the direction to save themselves. You see, growing up, I tried to do everything I could to keep myself, my mom, and my brother out of trouble because I didn't like all the yelling and mean things that were said. Once again, I was faced with that same predicament. My dad would get frustrated and yell at my mom. My mom becoming frustrated with my dad and crying. At the beginning of the week, I tried stepping in to stop the yelling and to protect my parents. By Wednesday, I began to realize that was not my job. The only person I can protect is myself. The world does not fall apart when people yell at each other. Yes, it does suck for a while, but you work through it and things start to get better. I also realized that I can deal with my emotional stress and anxiety with exercise, writing, talking to a friend. I don't need to turn to food for that comfort, and I didn't. I'm not sure if I've lost weight, but I can say that I have gained a lot from this experience. I have faced that which is uncomfortable and survived. Food is not my saving grace, I am my own saving grace. For the first time in a long time I truly feel strong and I really feel good about myself.

So I return to Florida on Sunday with a mixture of sadness and relief. I will miss my family and I wish I had more time to spend with them and to help out. I am also relieved to go back to my crazy work schedule and life. I have spent the majority of this year caring for others and I feel I have earned some time to take care of myself. I am really glad I came up to help take care of my dad. My mom and my brothers are doing a fantastic job and I know when I leave he will be in good hands. I am also looking forward to seeing where he is with his recovery when I come back for Christmas. I do feel changed from this experience. Now I have to continue working on my confidence and remembering how I feel right now. I know I will continue to grow stronger and more sure of myself as time goes on. I also know that the weight will continue to come off because I am truly ready to become the person I've always known I could be.

As always, thanks for reading. Until next week, keep moving forward and keep honing your own strength, for there is strength in all of us.

Reframing

I lost 1.2 pounds this week. I am slowly making my way out of the 260's and towards my goal. I was really happy to see another loss this week. I am trying to watch my portions and up my exercise. My new exercise goal is to reinstate my gym membership by January (I may have the extra money and there will be deals because of New Year's resolutions).

I had an interesting session with David, my Jenny Craig consultant, on Monday. I'm sure I've mentioned that I've been doing Jenny Craig for quite some time and have had mixed results. When I first started the program, my consultant was Nancy (who is now the site director). I lost 35 pounds when I was working with her and when she moved into the director position, I got a new consultant (and I stopped going and put the weight back on). David told me that he was talking with Nancy about me and she gave him some questions to ask me in regards to my motivation to lose weight. One question was do I think I deserve to be thin. This is a question I haven't thought about in a while and something that Nancy use to ask me when she was my consultant. The easy answer is yes, I deserve to be thin and to be able to wear normal sized clothes and not have to shop in the plus size, excuse me, women's department. But the answer is not as easy as that. If it were, I would have reached my goal long before now and not be struggling like I am. My real answer is I don't know. Being thin means a lot of changes. Changes in my relationship with food, with myself, and with others. It also means a lot of attention from others. I know the attention will be positive, but when you're use to not being noticed and you work hard to keep it that way, extra attention is uncomfortable. Also, I'm the type of person who gives to others. I am not one to put myself first. I don't know exactly when I became this way, but, for as long as I can remember, I've always put others before myself. I'm beginning to realize that, in order to lose the weight and be healthy, I will have to put myself first. I will have to start saying no to others at times and start doing things that will be good for me. I am 38 years old and I really do not have a good relationship with myself. I am not happy with the way I am and, since things have become uncomfortable for me, I really am ready to make some changes.

One of the first changes is to begin thinking about how it would feel to be 180 pounds (my goal weight). David and I talked about how if you want to be a certain weight, you have to eat like you are already that weight. Talk about a light bulb going off in my head. I never thought about weight loss like that, but it makes perfect sense. The only way to truly be successful in taking off weight and keeping it off is thinking about how a 180 pound person eats. Looking at what I'm eating, the size of my portions, and the snacking, and saying to myself "would I eat this if I were 180 pounds?" It is not going to be easy. It's easy to just eat whatever and not think about the amount of calories I'm putting into my body. It is not easy to consciously think about what I'm eating. But, like they say, if it's easy, it's not worth doing.

So my goal for this week is to begin thinking and eating like a 180 pound person. This will truly be a challenge because I am leaving for my parents' house on Friday and will be gone for a week. So I will be out of my routine and, something about being in the house I grew up in triggers me to want to eat all kinds of snacks and junk food. I will explore those feelings next week.

So, to those of you who are trying to make changes in your own lives, try thinking of yourself once you've reached that goal and focus on what that will feel like. Also know that everyone deserves to reach their goals and to be happy! :)

Things are not always as bad as they seem.

As you all remember from my last blog, I did not have the best week last week and I was debating as to whether or not I would go to my Jenny Craig appointment and get on the scale. Well I did go to the appointment on Monday and I lost 1 pound! I am very excited about this pound because it is a step in the right direction and hopefully more will follow.

Since I've been experiencing some changes in my life, I've been thinking a lot about change and what causes people to change. I've read that if I want positive things to happen in my life, I have to focus on the positive, but how exactly do you do that? I've heard that some people meditate about the things they want to change in their lives, clearing their minds and self-exploring. Do you know how hard that is to do? I do because I've tried it. I have a very hard time shutting off my mind. It feels like my mind is on a continual track and, when I try to quiet it down, I constantly have thoughts popping into it. I could be home by myself without the t.v. or any other noise on and my thoughts will seem so loud. I can't say that my mind shuts off when I go to sleep because I have some very interesting and vivid dreams. So how exactly does this meditation thing work? I guess you would have to have more focus and control of you mind than I do. I will keep trying and let you know what I find out.

Well, that's it for today. Monday and Tuesday were pretty good days as far as food goes. I've been managing to stay away from the candy in my office (for the most part. I did take a sucker yesterday). To all of you who are trying to make changes in your lives, stay focused and quiet your mind (and if you can do that, please let me know your secret). :)

Do I want to face the music?

Here I am on a Sunday morning thinking about my week. I was a fast week and not one of my best as far as eating and exercise were concerned. I had some candy and cookies this week. I also ate out and was not really good when it came to my portions. To top it off, I was sooo tired this week that I did not exercise at all this past week. Now my dilemma is, do I go to my Jenny Craig appointment and face another weight gain or do I chicken out and not face the music? How bad would it be if I didn't go in? I gained 2 pounds last week and, if I have another gain, I think my consultant will be ready to give up on me (ok, I know he won't give up on me, but I also feel he's really getting frustrated with me). What to do, what to do...

A part of me says go weigh in and move forward, which is probably what I will do. I'm just very frustrated with myself. Sometimes I have to wonder just how serious I am with wanting to lose weight and change. I have gotten a lot of positive feedback from people encouraging me to continue moving forward, but I'm not quite sure where my motivation is. I say I want to change and lose weight, but I continue to fall back on old habits and do things I know I shouldn't. I'm not going to lose weight if I don't change my eating habits. The old ways are not going to get me to my goal. I know this and I need to take charge. I'm not going to give up eating out, I'm just going to make smarter decisions and get a to go container before I start eating so I can ensure that I am eating the right size portion. I just have to remember these things and I can't randomly snack. Sugar is like a drug. Once I eat one sugary treat, I want several (and I mean many handfuls) more. It's like something goes off in my brain, like a drug. I can see why some people can become addicted to drugs.

Ok, so I have until tomorrow to think about whether or not I want to go to my Jenny Craig appointment. I will probably go because it will do me good and I will be honest with my consultant about my week. Now I really have a plan for my week. I just need to follow it. Moving forward from old habits is hard, but I know in the end it will be very rewarding.

Thanks again for all the encouragement. For those of you who are trying to make changes in your own lives, keep it up and don't give up when things get hard! There is strength in numbers and we can all face the music together! :)