Spring Awakenings

Ah Spring, flowers blooming, trees start to get their leaves, my allergies to pollen kick up, but I digress.

I've always viewed Spring as a time of awakening, renewal.  When things come back to life after being dormant all winter.  For myself, this is also a time for change.  This is the time when I go through my clothes, put away the winter sweaters (not that I wear all that many sweaters in Florida) and start to bring out the summery clothes.  Spring is also a good time to make changes to routines.

In my last post I wrote about how I was in a rut and what I was going to do about it.  Well, I did rejoin the YMCA and have started going to yoga and spin classes and, let me tell you, they have both kicked my butt!  The first spin class I took I thought, this won't be so bad.  I like riding my bike and how hard could it be to ride a stationary bike.  Well, let me tell you, it's pretty hard.  First off, the seat is not that comfortable.  My butt seriously began to hurt during the first 5 minutes of class.  Secondly, the intervals, going from fast to even faster, are pretty tough to keep up with.  Pair that up with standing and pedaling the bike for long periods of time and you get quite a workout.  I wasn't able to stay "up in the saddle" as it's called for the whole time, but I plan to continue with spin classes and, hopefully, I will get to the point where I can keep up with everyone else.

Yoga is very different from spin class.  I never really realized just how much of a workout your muscles get during yoga.  I always looked at it as stretching and breathing, focusing on meditation.  In actuality, you do some stretching and you also hold your body in different poses, working muscles that I haven't used in a long time.  The last class I took, the muscles in my arms burned so much I was beginning to wonder if I would be able to use them again.  Well I was and the pain did not last that long.  I am very surprised at the workout I get from yoga.  I am also surprised at how refreshed and relaxed I feel after class.  Here I am, holding my body in ways it's not use to, muscles burning and sweat pouring down my face and yet I feel centered.  I am focused on my breathing and all the noise in my head quiets for that hour.  It is a really great feeling and I have to say that I really enjoy the yoga classes I have attended.

So I plan to continue with yoga and spin class and I hope to try some of the other classes the Y has to offer.  I feel really good about my exercise routine, it's not as boring and stagnant as it was a month ago.  Next thing to work on changing is my eating habits, primarily my portion sizes, and we will talk about that in another blog.  If anyone out there has tried another type of exercise or exercise class that they would like to share with me, I'm open to suggestions.

Happy Spring!

Blah!

I have the winter blahs.  Yes, I know, I live in Florida and I'm sure many of you are wondering how I can have the winter blahs when I live in the Sunshine State, where the temperature rarely drops below 30 degrees.  Well I do.

I think part of my problem is that I'm stuck.  Stuck in a rut.  I'm stuck in a rut that is only going to get worse now that I am working from home because I will be spending a lot of time in my house.  Not at an office, interacting with others.  Not having a purpose to really care about what I'm wearing, how my hair looks, and whether or not I have make up on.  Now, I am not at this state yet, but if I don't do something to change the rut I soon will be.

A big part of my issue is that I've stopped taking care of myself.  A few years ago I use to work out 5 days a week.  I worked with a personal trainer, I did weights, cardio, classes, you name it.  Now, I barely get out and walk and it has been months since I stepped into a gym.  Also, I stopped going to Weight Watchers meetings.  I think I subconsciously decided to stop after the realization set in that I will be a member for one year this month and I still weigh pretty close to the same weight I did when I started.

What happened?  Where did my motivation go?  Is it really that much easier to sit on the couch and watch tv as it is to get on the treadmill or eliptial machine and watch tv?  There was a time when I use to watch a lot of tv while working out, and I felt good about it.  Now, not so much.

So, what to do about it...  I could continue to whine, but that is not going to do me any good.  This week I heard someone say, in order to snap someone out of a mood and get them to face the problem is to ask "What are you going to do about it?"  So I've asked myself that question, and you know what, it worked.  The little pity party I was having in my head stopped.  The ideas of blaming my current situation on someone else stopped.  I like to consider myself a bright woman, so I really know what to do and have no one to blame but myself.

So today I will rejoin the gym where I use to work out, the one I went to 5 days a week and took advantage of the classes, the indoor track, and all the things it had to offer.  Then I will start going.  I want to try a spin class and I want to swim.  I also want to work myself back into running.  I may possibly be one of the few people out there who is re-starting the Couch to 5K app for the third time, but it doesn't matter.  What matters is I know what I need to do to get out of the blahs.  I know what I need to do to feel good about myself and I'm going to start doing it, because if I don't take care and make myself feel good, no one will.

So here is a little taste of what it is like down here in Sarasota.  February and March are great times to come visit, if anyone is interested. 

This is a photo of Siesta Key Beach in Sarasota, even more beautiful in person.

Happy February everyone!  Avoid the winter blahs. :)

Word of the Year

One thing I am trying to do this year is open myself up to the blogging community.  As I read other people's blogs, I am noticing a connection to what I am going through.  i have also noticed that several of my fellow bloggers are participating in an exercise called Word for the Year.  This is a word that you choose (or maybe it chooses you) as an inspiration or for guidance.  Now I know it is the end of January, but it's still the beginning of the year, so I think I can get this in under the wire.  I have decided to pick a word for this year and that word is:

Believe

-verb 1. to accept as true or as speaking the truth

2. to think; suppose

3. to accept the truth of something

A relatively simple word, but something that is so hard for me to do.  No that's not entirely true, I don't have any problems believing in other people.  What I have a hard time doing is believing in myself. 

In some ways, I think this word chose me.  On Christmas Eve, my sister gave me a pendant that she order from my friend, and fellow blogger, Leanne's Etsy store (chaostohappiness on Etsy, it's great and I suggest you check it out).  The pendant said believe:

It wasn't an early Christmas gift, my sister said she saw it and thought of me, so she bought it for me.  That was the beginning. 

The theme of the January 2nd Weight Watchers meeting was Believe and, after a rough weigh in, the consultant asked me what I believe.  At first I said, "I don't know" (I think I was reeling from the fact that I had gained 7 pounds in 2 weeks).  Then I haltingly answered, "I believe in me.  I believe I can lose weight."  Later it hit me.  I don't think I have ever really told myself that I believe I can lose weight.  I've never really had the belief in myself and my success. 

So this year I believe in me.  I believe I can lose weight.  I believe I will go back to school.  I believe my confidence will soar and I will get stronger.

I believe in me, what a powerful thing to say.

So, how about you?  It's not too late to pick a word four your year.  If you decide to do this, let me know.  I believe 2012 will be a great year for everyone!

Here is a better picture of the design that is on the pendant:

I know I already plugged Leanne's shop, but if you have a chance, do check it out.  She is a talented artist and really does some beautiful things!  www.etsy.com/shop/chaostohappiness :)

   

 

Calm

Happy New Year everyone.  Another year, another list of hopes and dreams that I would like to accomplish.  But this blog entry is not going to be my list of resolutions, it is going to be a little different because what I would like to try and do this year is a little different.

A few weeks ago, I got into a long conversation with a friend at work about his theory regarding calm.  He believes we all have moments of "being in the calm", a place of truth where we have a clear understanding of our experience.  He talked about what it is like to communicate with someone while in this state and how you can gain clarity of not only what someone else's ideas and goals are, but your own as well.  He also talked about asking for things while we are in this state and how we are more likely to get what we ask for when we are calm and true then when we are outside of the calm and too busy thinking about things that don't matter.  I told him that I wasn't sure if I ever experienced "being in the calm".  He said maybe that was because I was in my head too much.  This is true, I spend a lot of time thinking.  Thinking about other people, other things, what I want to accomplish, the future.  My head buzzes with thoughts and sounds that never seem to end.  I have often thought that the noise in my head could fill an entire room and that I don't need background noise because my thoughts are so loud.

Now I look at "being in the calm" as being in a meditative state.  A place where the noise in your head shuts off and you focus on your breathing.  Some people think they hear God while in this state, others connect with nature and still other connect with themselves.  No matter what your beliefs are, taking time to quiet your head and get in touch with yourself is important.  When we push out the unimportant thoughts that clutter our minds, what is left is what's important, our hopes and dreams and things we really want to accomplish.

As our conversation ended, I felt myself "being in the calm".  I wasn't focused on all the thoughts whirling around my head.  I was focused on my friend and I was in the here and now and it was quiet.  What an experience, to actually have that quiet and to hear the whispers of my goals and dreams.

That is what I want to accomplish this year.  I want to work on shutting off the noise in my head and listening to what my heart truly has to say.  I think I will surprise myself.

I wish everyone peace and some quiet in the new year.  May you all discover your own calm.

A Come to Jesus

Well, it is now December.  I have no idea what happened to November.  I can't believe a month went by and I have not updated my blog.  It's not that I haven't had anything to say, it's just that my last posting was rather dark and that dark mood seemed to follow me through most of November that I didn't want my blog to become too depressing.

Oh, who am I kidding, I lost my motivation.  I've lost my motivation about a lot of things and if finally reached a point where I needed to do something about it.  So, one afternoon I took myself out for coffee and for a Come to Jesus meeting with myself.  Strange?  Yeah, it probably was.  Necessary?  Definately!

I assume everyone knows what a Come to Jesus meeting is.  Usually it's something you have with someone else when they are not doing something you need them to do or when you are worried about them.  Hence the Come to Jesus meeting with myself.  What does a Come to Jesus meeting with yourself look like?  Well it looks a little like this:
"Ok, you're unhappy.  The weight isn't changing.  Your motivation to exercise and follow the Weight Watchers plan has lagged.  You are stubborn and continue to do the same thing over and over and over again and expect a different result.  If I didn't know you so well, I would think you were insane."
"What do you mean I'm insane?  I'm not doing the same thing over and over, oh wait, you're right.  Maybe I am insane!  Maybe I should have my brain checked.  If I checked myself into the crisis unit, do you think they'd give me my own room?"
"Stop it!  You are not insane.  Lazy at times and lacking in motivation, but not insane.  It is time to take this seriously.  Do you like how you are now?  If so, then don't do anything, but I kind of get the idea that you are not happy."
"You're right.  I'm not happy and I know what to do about it.  The problem is I'm feeling stuck and am having a hard time unsticking myself."

Please note that this conversation went on in my head and was written out on paper in my journal while I drank my coffee.  I was not sitting in a coffee shop talking to myself.  Had I done that, I may have ended up in the crisis unit and would have that wonderful experience to write about.

The truth is, I got to the point where I was tired of feeling down and stuck.  I'm not stuck, I just needed to readjust my priorities.  Thanksgiving was a great time for that.  I had been wallowing in the fact that I was not where I wanted to be with my weight loss, that I lost sight of the things that I had accomplished.  I'm a licensed mental health counselor who has a decent paying job that I like.  I have an opportunity to branch out and start moving towards my own practice.  I have friends and family who love and support me (even though, at times, I'm sure they think I'm nuts).  The weight loss will happen in it's own time, but it won't happen if I allow myself to get bogged down with the woulda, shoulda, couldas.  I have a lot to be proud of and thankful for, I just had to confront myself in order to see it. 

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.  I will have a full weight report next week (I've skipped Weight Watchers that past 2 weeks).  Thank you, as always for your support.  It truly helps and means the world to me. :)   

Losing control, losing momentum

I have no control.  It's true, I have absolutely no control when it comes to food, finances, life in general.  I believe I have been living without control for quite some time, only I didn't really know it.  I have been operating for quite some time under a facade, I relatively successful independent woman, when underneath I'm not.

Heavy, I don't really mean to be.  The past week and a half has not been easy for me.  My job has changed and I've said goodbye to some friends at work, including a great supervisor.  To celebrate the end of a contract and the promise of something new, the office was filled with food.  Cake, cookies, cupcakes, pizza, chips, chocolate, you name it.  You name it, I ate it.  Which is why I was up another 1.4 pounds this week.

I suppose I could blame the weight gain on my menstrual cycle, but I'm not.  I'm going to blame it on the fact that I can't seem to let go of using food for comfort.  I am going to blame it on the fact that I have no control and, where a normal person would have one normal size piece of cake, I have to have two.  Or I have to have three or four frosted sugar cookies instead of one, or I can't just eat one piece of chocolate...  I think you get the idea.

In the past I have written about sugar being my drug.  I think I am fully beginning to understand how someone can become addicted to drugs or alcohol or anything for that matter.  There is something that happens within us when we reach for that "forbidden" item.  Maybe it is a rush of doing something that you know you shouldn't do.  Maybe it is the fact that the item give you a bit of a high, alters your reality, or makes you feel good for a period of time.  Not that sugar is quite as mind altering as certain drugs, but there is something that happens with your body chemistry when you eat sugar that gives you an euphoric feeling.  For me, food that has tasted good (mostly anything with sugar) was an escape for a short period of time.  Oh, and I'm really good at hiding just how much I'm eating, that is until I get on the scale (but I've talked about that before too).

So I'm struggling with control.  To my credit, I don't bring a lot of sugar into my house.  I don't buy cakes or cookies or candy.  I reserve most of my baking to breads or savory items and, if I do make something sweet, I either make it as a dessert when I'm having people over for dinner, or I bring it to work or give it to someone.  It's the moments when I'm feeling vulnerable, scared, sad, that I lose control. 

I've read the books, I've read articles, and I've heard people talk about how weight loss is about behaviors change and you have to find your food triggers.  They give suggestions for things to do when you feel like eating, go for a walk, call a friend, focus on another activity that makes you feel good.  What they fail to realize is, like any other addict, it is when you are at your most vulnerable that you reach for that one thing you know will make you feel better, if only for a little while.

That is where my problem lies.  Who wants to be vulnerable?  Being vulnerable is being weak.  It is admitting that you need help.  It leaves you open to hurt.  But being vulnerable also means that you are human.  There is a strength in vulnerability that I don't think we realize.  As I've continued to open myself up through this blog and put my own vulnerability on the line, I am also becoming stronger.  Yeah, I'm not perfect.  I'm not the facade that I put on for others.  What I am is a single woman struggling to make ends meet.  Trying to fulfill my dreams, scared to death that I am going to fall on my face.  I am someone who truly enjoys helping others, but I have absolutely no idea how to help myself.  So I eat.

So, now that I have poured all this out to you, my friends, what to do now.  Well, I fell down.  It's nothing new, I do it all the time bother literally and figuratively.  So I will pick myself up, treat my wounds, and get back on the path.  As scary as this was to write and as scary as it is knowing this will be out there for anyone to read, I actually feel a sense of relief.  If you are struggling with issues in your own life, I hope, as you read this, you will know that you are not alone.  You are also strong and you will move past this as well.

Thank you as always for reading and for your encouraging comments.  :)

Years go by

I had a birthday this year.  I realize this is a stupid statement because everyone has a birthday every year.  But I had a big birthday this year.  One that I was in complete denial about that I had to leave the country to try and forget about it.  Yes my friends, I turned 40 on July 6th and spent my birthday in England, well London, actually at the Tower of London to be exact.

Why am I writing about this now?  Well, like I said, I've been in denial over my age and I actually came face to face with it over the weekend.  Last Saturday I watched the movie Pearl Jam 20 directed by Cameron Crowe.  The movie documented the band's beginnings in 1990, the release of "10" in 1991 and the band's subsequent rise to fame.  The movie showed clips of the young members in Seattle in 1991 and interviews with the band members today.  As I watched the movie, I realized that the members of Pearl Jam were my age or one to two years older.  As I looked at what the members looked like today, it hit me, I was no longer in my twenties.  Hell, I'm no longer in my thirties.  I had reached the age that I thought was way off in the distance. 

After the movie was over, I went into the bathroom to get cleaned up for work.  I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, "Where did these lines in my forehead come from?  Where did these lines around my eyes and mouth come from?  What happened to the young, idealistic woman I use to be?"

The truth is, I grew up.  Time has a funny way of sneaking up on you like that.  I am no longer the young, carefree person I was when I was 20, back when my only concerns were whether or not I was going to class that morning and scraping together $5-10 for pitchers of beer at the college bar (God I miss the days of the $3 pitcher).  Now, I have a career and bills and my taste in beer has matured from Miller Light.  I worry about the economy and my job.  I worry about my health, my parents' health, and trying to make ends meet.  I wonder if I'll ever get married and have children or if I will continue to be single.  The highs and the lows of the last 20 years of my life play out in my face and, the more I look at it, the more I like it.  The fact that I have laugh lines speaks to all of the good times I have had and the fact that I prefer to laugh at things, rather than take everything so seriously.

Overall, the last 20 years haven't been that bad.  I have had the opportunity to do a lot of great things and have a lot of memories that I cherish.  As I finished getting ready to go to work, I closed the door to my denial over my age.  I don't look like I'm 40 and I certainly don't act like it.  This is a new chapter in my life, one that I am ready to face as a confident and somewhat slimmer person.  I am ready for new adventures and challenges and I plan to make the most of every day.  Twenty years from now, I hope I can look back with fondness over how I spent the next 20 years.

I lost 0.2 pounds.  A little disappointing considering how much I exercised and tried to watch my food intake last week, but a loss is a loss no matter how small.  I worked out 4 days last week and spent 2 days pulling weeds, digging, and doing various jobs around the yard (and that was when I really felt my age.  It takes a lot longer now to bounce back from vigorous workouts than it did when I was in my 20's).

So remember, you are only as old as you feel, so continue to think and feel young!  Thank you all again for your support and comments, both here and on my FB page, and thanks for reading!

A picture of me at the Tower of London on my birthday.