I'm beginning to think that it is time to look into getting that PhD. In my last post, I did some research on how sugar interacts in the body, playing on my thesis that sugar is my drug of choice (which is still true with alcohol being a close second). This month, I've been doing research on diet plans in order to find one that will work for me. With all the research I've been doing lately, I should just go back to school and put the work towards something useful, like becoming Dr. Gallagher.
Why the research on diet plans (or I should say weight loss plans because we all know diet is an evil word), because I really want to lose weight and I need to do it in a way that is going to stick. A couple of years ago I bought the book "The Beck Diet Solution" written by Dr. Judith Beck, daughter of Dr. Aaron Beck. For those of you who don't know, Dr. Aaron Beck is the father of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a way of changing the way a person thinks in order to help them modify bad behaviors (that is the simple definition). Being a psychology geek, I thought this book would help me change my thought patterns about food and my emotional eating. Well, I think the book would help if I read more than the first chapter. So I recently pulled the book out from under my bed, dusted it off, and began reading again. I developed my advantages to losing weight, wrote them down, and posted them on my bathroom mirror. Next I began looking into weight loss programs. Dr. Beck recommends you choose 2 programs, one will be your main program and the other is a back up. Well, after looking into several different plans, I have decided to try Weight Watchers. What I like about Weight Watchers is that I can eat regular food as long as I stay within my points. This way, I can continue to cook for myself and learn how to eat healthy. I will also learn how to listen to my body to make sure that I am eating because I'm hungry, not bored or upset or whatever. I'm excited about the program and I hope this excitement continues. My biggest challenge, negative thoughts and laziness. These two things have derailed me with every weight loss program I have tried. So I am going to pair Weight Watches with "The Beck Diet Solution" and see what happens.
I believe I will be successful because, as I've recently discovered, I'm a competitive person. What I mean by this is that a few of my friends are losing weight and I've realized that I do not want to be left behind. Also, I don't want to be shown up by other people. So, when I'm feeling lazy or defeated, I will think about these friends, how good they look and how healthy they are, and this will motivate me to do the same.
So, this is week one. I'm at 270.6 lbs. and I want to lose 110 lbs. in order to get to 160. My first weight loss goal is 14 lbs. and I plan to reach that goal by March 14th. Of course I will keep all of you posted.
Thanks for reading. Good thoughts are appreciated. My next research project, finding the right school for my doctorate degree! Stay tuned...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sugar, you are my drug...
The other day I was having dinner with friends and the discussion came up about organic foods vs regular foods. I have several friends who have switched over to eating more organic foods, such as fruits, vegetables and dairy, and have found them more enjoyable than eating the regular fruits, veggies and milks you get at the grocery store. I asked if they really tasted different. "Not that different," my friend said, "It's just comforting to know that I am not putting a lot of unnecessary chemicals into my body."
Later in the week, I was talking to a friend who recently started a new diet. My friend told me about how one night she was craving ice cream or chocolate, something sweet. She said the craving was so bad that she began shaking. "Jennifer," she said, "I felt like I was having a panic attack. I began shaking and getting sweaty and I know if I would have had ice cream in the house, I would have eaten the whole thing."
This got me to thinking. Why is it that some people have a "sweet tooth" while others don't. I know several people who can take or leave sugary snacks, desserts, ice cream, cookies, cakes... (I need to stop now because I'm starting to drool on my keyboard), while other people (like me) cannot pass these treats up. I decided to do a little research and this is what I found out.
According to a study done in 2002 by Bart Hoebel, a neuroscientist at Princeton University, using too much sugar "may be a form of addiction, sharing some of the psychological characteristics of drug dependence." (Hoebel, B 2002). "Hoebel and colleagues studied rats that were induced to binge on sugar and found that they exhibited telltale signs of withdrawal, including "the shakes" and changes in brain chemistry, when the effects of the sweets were blocked. These signs are similar to those produced by drug withdrawal." (Hoebel, 2002). Hoebel also found that sugar triggers production of the brain's natural opioids, and that the brain is getting addicted to it's own natural opioids as it would to morphine or heroin. Drugs give a bigger effect, but it's essentially the same process. (Hobel, 2002)
In another article, written by Annette Nay, PhD, she states, "Processed sugars and carbohydrates, which turn into sugar, cause a rise in the insulin level of the blood. This also raises the endorphins level, a natural mood upper in the brain. These sugars causes the body to have a chemical high, mentally, which results in a lift in mood." (Nay, 1997). Nay also goes on to say, "Continuous large doses of sugar and/or carbohydrates, overtime, usually cause the brain's endorphins sites to slow production or close sites to regulate the amount of endorphins in the brain. When the body cuts back on endorphin production it reduces the amount of endorphins available in the body at any given time. The lack of enough endorphin in the brain causes slight to deep depression." (Nay, 1997). So in order to get out of the depression, the person has to eat more sugar in order to feel normal, much in the same way that the alcoholic or the junkie needs to get their next fix in order to feel normal.
I felt these articles explained a lot. There were more out there, but the Google search started taking me into the realm of weird diets and fanatical foodies (the ones who won't eat cooked food and push all kinds of supplements) that I just didn't want to go there. What I have begun to realize is that I have an addiction to sugar. Not that I am going to use that as an excuse for not getting healthy, but, as any junkie knows, the way to get help is to admit that you have a problem. So now I am trying to figure out how to get the help. Unfortunately there are not a lot of rehab programs out there for sugar junkies. The best I was able to find was Overeaters Anonymous, and I don't know if I'm ready to go there yet. So the question is, do I quit cold turkey and try to do this on my own, or do I gradually come off the stuff and try to find support from other people like me. Hmmmm, I'll have to keep you posted on that one.
Because I was always a good student, I like to give credit where credit is due:
To read the Hoebel article, go to: http://www.princeton.edu/pr/news/02/q2/0620-hoebel.htm.
To read the May article, go to: http://www.three-peaks.net/annette/Processed-Sugar.htm.
Later in the week, I was talking to a friend who recently started a new diet. My friend told me about how one night she was craving ice cream or chocolate, something sweet. She said the craving was so bad that she began shaking. "Jennifer," she said, "I felt like I was having a panic attack. I began shaking and getting sweaty and I know if I would have had ice cream in the house, I would have eaten the whole thing."
This got me to thinking. Why is it that some people have a "sweet tooth" while others don't. I know several people who can take or leave sugary snacks, desserts, ice cream, cookies, cakes... (I need to stop now because I'm starting to drool on my keyboard), while other people (like me) cannot pass these treats up. I decided to do a little research and this is what I found out.
According to a study done in 2002 by Bart Hoebel, a neuroscientist at Princeton University, using too much sugar "may be a form of addiction, sharing some of the psychological characteristics of drug dependence." (Hoebel, B 2002). "Hoebel and colleagues studied rats that were induced to binge on sugar and found that they exhibited telltale signs of withdrawal, including "the shakes" and changes in brain chemistry, when the effects of the sweets were blocked. These signs are similar to those produced by drug withdrawal." (Hoebel, 2002). Hoebel also found that sugar triggers production of the brain's natural opioids, and that the brain is getting addicted to it's own natural opioids as it would to morphine or heroin. Drugs give a bigger effect, but it's essentially the same process. (Hobel, 2002)
In another article, written by Annette Nay, PhD, she states, "Processed sugars and carbohydrates, which turn into sugar, cause a rise in the insulin level of the blood. This also raises the endorphins level, a natural mood upper in the brain. These sugars causes the body to have a chemical high, mentally, which results in a lift in mood." (Nay, 1997). Nay also goes on to say, "Continuous large doses of sugar and/or carbohydrates, overtime, usually cause the brain's endorphins sites to slow production or close sites to regulate the amount of endorphins in the brain. When the body cuts back on endorphin production it reduces the amount of endorphins available in the body at any given time. The lack of enough endorphin in the brain causes slight to deep depression." (Nay, 1997). So in order to get out of the depression, the person has to eat more sugar in order to feel normal, much in the same way that the alcoholic or the junkie needs to get their next fix in order to feel normal.
I felt these articles explained a lot. There were more out there, but the Google search started taking me into the realm of weird diets and fanatical foodies (the ones who won't eat cooked food and push all kinds of supplements) that I just didn't want to go there. What I have begun to realize is that I have an addiction to sugar. Not that I am going to use that as an excuse for not getting healthy, but, as any junkie knows, the way to get help is to admit that you have a problem. So now I am trying to figure out how to get the help. Unfortunately there are not a lot of rehab programs out there for sugar junkies. The best I was able to find was Overeaters Anonymous, and I don't know if I'm ready to go there yet. So the question is, do I quit cold turkey and try to do this on my own, or do I gradually come off the stuff and try to find support from other people like me. Hmmmm, I'll have to keep you posted on that one.
Because I was always a good student, I like to give credit where credit is due:
To read the Hoebel article, go to: http://www.princeton.edu/pr/news/02/q2/0620-hoebel.htm.
To read the May article, go to: http://www.three-peaks.net/annette/Processed-Sugar.htm.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Time, time, time, see what's become of me...
Wow, my last post was in September and it is now January. Time does fly. For some reason, it doesn't feel like it has been that long since my last post, but it has. Time has a funny way of sneaking by without being noticed. Or maybe time moves fast because I'm getting older...nah that can't be it.
Well, I made it through 2010 with all the ups and downs, most of the time it felt like there were more downs than ups, and here we are in 2011. I still look the same. I've been sitting at the same weight for an entire year. I joined a gym that I don't go to and I've watched as friends have lost weight, become healthier, and moved towards their goals while I'm stuck.
Ok, stuck may not be the right word. I have made the choice to stay where I am because I don't motivate myself to change. That may sound harsh, but it's true. I'm not going to make excuses for myself. I know what I need to do to change and I don't do it. Well, that is going to have to change. I've said that before but lately I've been having these weird dreams. In one dream, I'm older and having all kinds of problems because I didn't take care of myself. Last night I had a dream where I was working towards my goals and I was in a great relationship with a great guy. I think we were looking to purchase real estate from someone I work with at Burlington (kind of a cool apartment inside of a cool house, but I'm not absolutely positive about that). That part was strange, but the point is that the dreams gave me two options for myself. Also, the fact that this year marks a birthday that I would rather not have is motivation for me to move forward.
So, rather than sleeping in and throwing off my schedule, I am going to go to the gym and I am going to start making changes so that I can become healthier. I just heard a voice in my head say "yeah, right, we've heard that before" but it is true. I can't blame stress for my weight gain because I have a job that I really like and I am not bringing work home with me. My schedule is a little crazy, I work the overnight shift Tuesday-Saturday, but I like what I do. It's kind of easy and has given me the opportunity to consider going back to school and I've also learned how to crochet, which I really enjoy.
So welcome 2011. I don't know how happy I will be with you when July gets here, but I'll deal with that at another time. I will keep everyone posted on my progress and I will try not to whine so much. Thanks for reading and for all your support!
Well, I made it through 2010 with all the ups and downs, most of the time it felt like there were more downs than ups, and here we are in 2011. I still look the same. I've been sitting at the same weight for an entire year. I joined a gym that I don't go to and I've watched as friends have lost weight, become healthier, and moved towards their goals while I'm stuck.
Ok, stuck may not be the right word. I have made the choice to stay where I am because I don't motivate myself to change. That may sound harsh, but it's true. I'm not going to make excuses for myself. I know what I need to do to change and I don't do it. Well, that is going to have to change. I've said that before but lately I've been having these weird dreams. In one dream, I'm older and having all kinds of problems because I didn't take care of myself. Last night I had a dream where I was working towards my goals and I was in a great relationship with a great guy. I think we were looking to purchase real estate from someone I work with at Burlington (kind of a cool apartment inside of a cool house, but I'm not absolutely positive about that). That part was strange, but the point is that the dreams gave me two options for myself. Also, the fact that this year marks a birthday that I would rather not have is motivation for me to move forward.
So, rather than sleeping in and throwing off my schedule, I am going to go to the gym and I am going to start making changes so that I can become healthier. I just heard a voice in my head say "yeah, right, we've heard that before" but it is true. I can't blame stress for my weight gain because I have a job that I really like and I am not bringing work home with me. My schedule is a little crazy, I work the overnight shift Tuesday-Saturday, but I like what I do. It's kind of easy and has given me the opportunity to consider going back to school and I've also learned how to crochet, which I really enjoy.
So welcome 2011. I don't know how happy I will be with you when July gets here, but I'll deal with that at another time. I will keep everyone posted on my progress and I will try not to whine so much. Thanks for reading and for all your support!
Friday, September 10, 2010
What do I want to be when I grow up...
When I was a kid, adults would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Well, when I was 7, it was an easy question to answer, a teacher. Between the ages of 7 and 11, I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to teach elementary school and would play school with my friends. This was also during a time when I really liked school and liked the idea of working with kids (or I was just really bossy and liked being in control).
When I was 11 years old and in 5th grade, I joined the drama club at school and got my first taste of acting. From that point until I graduated from high school, I wanted to be an actor. I loved acting. I loved having the chance to be someone else for a little while. I loved everything about the theater, and I still do. I was in several plays and musicals from 5th grade through college. The problem is, unless you are incredibly talented (or incredibly lucky) it is really hard to get a job as an actor. My parents were concerned about me struggling and being homeless and encouraged me to pick a career back-up plan. So I went off to college to try and figure out what I was going to do for the rest of my life.
I got into psychology after taking Abnormal Psychology during my second semester in college. I realized that I have an interest in people and what drives people to do what they do. Also, I realized that I was a good listener, a trait I should have picked up on long before college because I was the one my friends would come to when they were upset or needed to talk. As I continued through school, I realized that I could make a career out of listening to and trying to help others. What I didn't realize was that it would take more education for me to actually get to the point where I would be able to counsel others and I would not make a lot of money doing it. All that aside, I dived into my career choice and did everything that I needed to do to get to where I am today.
So, you're probably wondering why I titled this blog entry "What do I want to be when I grow up"? Well, I've recently left my job and have just been questioning my choices. I have had a rough time the past few months, made some mistakes because I was not fully on my game, and I have not been very happy. I'm beginning to wonder if I made the right choice, if being a counselor is really for me. I'm also a bit shaken up. I work hard and I try to do what is right, but I'm not perfect. I didn't ask for help when I really needed to (partially because I didn't know who to ask and partially because I didn't want to look like I couldn't handle the job) and I screwed up. Now I feel lost. I'm beginning to wonder if I can really be successful. I'm also wondering if I need to move in another direction. The problem is, I don't know what direction. I have to be honest, I never expected to be in this situation at this stage in my life.
So I will continue to ponder the question, what do I want to be... Maybe with some self-reflection and some guidance from friends, I'll figure it out.
When I was 11 years old and in 5th grade, I joined the drama club at school and got my first taste of acting. From that point until I graduated from high school, I wanted to be an actor. I loved acting. I loved having the chance to be someone else for a little while. I loved everything about the theater, and I still do. I was in several plays and musicals from 5th grade through college. The problem is, unless you are incredibly talented (or incredibly lucky) it is really hard to get a job as an actor. My parents were concerned about me struggling and being homeless and encouraged me to pick a career back-up plan. So I went off to college to try and figure out what I was going to do for the rest of my life.
I got into psychology after taking Abnormal Psychology during my second semester in college. I realized that I have an interest in people and what drives people to do what they do. Also, I realized that I was a good listener, a trait I should have picked up on long before college because I was the one my friends would come to when they were upset or needed to talk. As I continued through school, I realized that I could make a career out of listening to and trying to help others. What I didn't realize was that it would take more education for me to actually get to the point where I would be able to counsel others and I would not make a lot of money doing it. All that aside, I dived into my career choice and did everything that I needed to do to get to where I am today.
So, you're probably wondering why I titled this blog entry "What do I want to be when I grow up"? Well, I've recently left my job and have just been questioning my choices. I have had a rough time the past few months, made some mistakes because I was not fully on my game, and I have not been very happy. I'm beginning to wonder if I made the right choice, if being a counselor is really for me. I'm also a bit shaken up. I work hard and I try to do what is right, but I'm not perfect. I didn't ask for help when I really needed to (partially because I didn't know who to ask and partially because I didn't want to look like I couldn't handle the job) and I screwed up. Now I feel lost. I'm beginning to wonder if I can really be successful. I'm also wondering if I need to move in another direction. The problem is, I don't know what direction. I have to be honest, I never expected to be in this situation at this stage in my life.
So I will continue to ponder the question, what do I want to be... Maybe with some self-reflection and some guidance from friends, I'll figure it out.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Burnout or How I Woke Up from My Month Long Coma
Well, I looked at my blog posts and realized that my last post was on March 31st. Wow, I didn't think it was that long ago. Time really does fly.
A lot of things have happened over the past three months. In fact, I can't believe three months have flown by so quickly. I am not going to recap the last three months, stuff happened, I went on vacation, and more stuff happened (condensed recap). Instead, this blog is about how not asking for help + feeling overwhelmed = burnout.
As you all know, I was promoted to the Lead Clinician position at work back in November. Well things have not been going that great at work. I had to take on extra duties and felt like I was working all the time. I also had to deal with fall-out from a wonderful Medicaid audit (which was soooo much fun). So I did what any healthy, well-rounded, person would do, I shut down.
I know, healthy, well-rounded people do not shut down because healthy, well-rounded people know to ask for help. I did not ask for help partly because I wasn't sure who to ask and partly because I am very dense at times and felt that it would look like I was weak or that I couldn't handle my job if I asked for help. So for most of the month of July I was a walking zombie and it began to effect everyone around me.
How did I wake up? I was hit by a bolt of lightning. Not literally, I had a meeting with my supervisors and they told me that I needed to refocus because I was not being a leader in the office. The other thing they told me was that, by not focusing on the important aspects of the job, I was putting other people's jobs at risk. Whoa, there's the lightning. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt the people I work with. I really like the people I work with and I did not want them to worry about losing their jobs. So, the meeting and a pep talk from a wonderful friend help to wake me up and, honestly, I feel really good. Feeling burned out is very tiring and I didn't realize how horrible I felt until I came out of it.
What did I learn from this experience? Do not be afraid to ask for help. It takes a strong person to reach out and ask for help and the weak one to try to take everything on by yourself.
Thanks for reading. I will post again soon, I promise. :)
A lot of things have happened over the past three months. In fact, I can't believe three months have flown by so quickly. I am not going to recap the last three months, stuff happened, I went on vacation, and more stuff happened (condensed recap). Instead, this blog is about how not asking for help + feeling overwhelmed = burnout.
As you all know, I was promoted to the Lead Clinician position at work back in November. Well things have not been going that great at work. I had to take on extra duties and felt like I was working all the time. I also had to deal with fall-out from a wonderful Medicaid audit (which was soooo much fun). So I did what any healthy, well-rounded, person would do, I shut down.
I know, healthy, well-rounded people do not shut down because healthy, well-rounded people know to ask for help. I did not ask for help partly because I wasn't sure who to ask and partly because I am very dense at times and felt that it would look like I was weak or that I couldn't handle my job if I asked for help. So for most of the month of July I was a walking zombie and it began to effect everyone around me.
How did I wake up? I was hit by a bolt of lightning. Not literally, I had a meeting with my supervisors and they told me that I needed to refocus because I was not being a leader in the office. The other thing they told me was that, by not focusing on the important aspects of the job, I was putting other people's jobs at risk. Whoa, there's the lightning. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt the people I work with. I really like the people I work with and I did not want them to worry about losing their jobs. So, the meeting and a pep talk from a wonderful friend help to wake me up and, honestly, I feel really good. Feeling burned out is very tiring and I didn't realize how horrible I felt until I came out of it.
What did I learn from this experience? Do not be afraid to ask for help. It takes a strong person to reach out and ask for help and the weak one to try to take everything on by yourself.
Thanks for reading. I will post again soon, I promise. :)
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
New Outlook
Hello everyone. My last posting was a bit heavy. March has been a tough month and, now that it's over, I thought I would take on a different outlook. Also, it's spring and, as many friends have told me, it is a time for renewal. So with April on the horizon, I thought I would start looking at renewal.
The first place to start is with my attitude. Lately, I've been so into everything that I haven't done, bemoaning my current weight and financial status. Well, the time for moaning is over and the time for action is now.
First thing to tackle, the weight. I have decided to divorce Jenny Craig and take on the weight loss battle myself. I thought about how long I've been on the Jenny Craig program and how it just was not working for me. Let's face it, I started the program in 2001 and, nine years later, I still haven't reached my goal weight. Not that Jenny Craig is an awful program, it's not. It just wasn't working for me. I like to cook and eat real food. I got tired of eating the prepared meals and I have decided that I need to learn to eat healthy with regular food. I did learn some things from being in the Jenny Craig program. I learned what a healthy portion looks like and I learned that it is good to eat something every 3-4 hours so that I'm not starving when I sit down to eat a meal. So I will take what I've learned and apply it to my regular eating habits. I am also rejoining the YMCA and I am going to start working out like I use to.
In regards to my money, if I am eating food that I've prepared at home and cut down on eating out, I will help both my weight loss and save money! I am also going to pay attention to what I am spending and I am going to stop spending money I do not have. I've already started this and it is not as hard as I thought it was going to be.
So these are my renewal plans. They seem kind of simple, and I guess they are, but they will not be easy. I will keep all of you posted on how I'm doing. Who knows, maybe I'll develop my own healthy eating plan, sell it and make a lot of money. We'll see.... :)
The first place to start is with my attitude. Lately, I've been so into everything that I haven't done, bemoaning my current weight and financial status. Well, the time for moaning is over and the time for action is now.
First thing to tackle, the weight. I have decided to divorce Jenny Craig and take on the weight loss battle myself. I thought about how long I've been on the Jenny Craig program and how it just was not working for me. Let's face it, I started the program in 2001 and, nine years later, I still haven't reached my goal weight. Not that Jenny Craig is an awful program, it's not. It just wasn't working for me. I like to cook and eat real food. I got tired of eating the prepared meals and I have decided that I need to learn to eat healthy with regular food. I did learn some things from being in the Jenny Craig program. I learned what a healthy portion looks like and I learned that it is good to eat something every 3-4 hours so that I'm not starving when I sit down to eat a meal. So I will take what I've learned and apply it to my regular eating habits. I am also rejoining the YMCA and I am going to start working out like I use to.
In regards to my money, if I am eating food that I've prepared at home and cut down on eating out, I will help both my weight loss and save money! I am also going to pay attention to what I am spending and I am going to stop spending money I do not have. I've already started this and it is not as hard as I thought it was going to be.
So these are my renewal plans. They seem kind of simple, and I guess they are, but they will not be easy. I will keep all of you posted on how I'm doing. Who knows, maybe I'll develop my own healthy eating plan, sell it and make a lot of money. We'll see.... :)
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Breaking point
Wow, I just looked at the date of my last post and it has been a while since I updated this blog. It also reminded me just how fast time passes because it sure does not feel like a month since the last time I wrote.
A lot has happened in a month and I'm sad to say that I am not in a very good place at this moment. I've been hit with a lot of bad news recently and my world is off-kilter at the moment. The balance that I thought I had in my life is completely gone and now I have to figure out a way to get things back on track.
I've rambled a bit without saying much, so I'm going to put it out there. I lost someone close to me last week and spent this week in New England to attend her wake and funeral. Not an easy trip and I'm still reeling from everything. On top of this, I received a call from my dad yesterday. He called to tell me that he was in the hospital on Tuesday after fainting at rehab. Fortunately, the doctors could not find anything wrong and he was able to go home on Wednesday, but it is a reminder that, although he is progressing in his rehabilitation from his stroke, he is still not completely in the clear. He sounded good and reassured me that he was fine and I believe him. For one minute I wished I was closer to him so that I could see for myself that he is really ok.
Alright, I am not going to make this a post about how life is short and we need to live it to the fullest. Or how we need to let those we love know how we feel before it is too late. I think we all already know this and I'm sure a lot of you out there already try to do this. No, I'm going to be honest about how I'm feeling right now and hope that, by the time I'm done, I can try to figure out how to get myself back on track.
I titled this post 'breaking point' because I feel like I am at a point where if I make one more bad choice or if something bad happens either to myself or someone I care about, I don't think I'll be able to cope. I already feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and one move will send me over the edge. I have put on more weight and I now weigh more than I did when I started this blog. At my last weigh in, I was 266.6 pounds. Not where I want to be. My financial state is not good either. I am in the red, feeling like I am one step close to living on the street, and I just can't seem to figure out how I got here. Poor choices and the inability to manage my money and my food intake are the first things that pop into my mind. My ideas to break bad habits have gone by the wayside and I am now in a position where I have to change. I do not want to live on the street and I do not want to have a heart attack or get diabetes or have any kind of medical problems. I am tired and I am scared. Deep down, I know what I have to do, I'm just scared and it is fear that is holding me back. I am afraid that people will look down on me because of the mistakes I have made. I am ashamed of the fact that I can't seem to keep my finances in order and that I have to ask to borrow money from others just to make it to the next paycheck. I am feeling like a big, fat loser who has been acting like a confident person for so long that the facade is starting to break. I have been playing so many different parts lately that I don't know how to just be me anymore. Actually, I'm not really sure who I am anymore.
I have a decision to make. Do I fall off the cliff and ignore my situation until everything falls down around me? Or do I move into scary territory and really make the changes needed to set things right? Should I continue to allow fear to keep me where I am or do I talk about what is really going on and deal with the fall-out. Ignoring the situation is no longer an option. It is time to work on the problem because I need to move forward. I am tired of being afraid. I'm tired of worrying about what other people will think of me. I need to figure out who I am again and I need to make good choices that will benefit me and not worry about how I will be judged.
Life really is too short. In order to really live my life, I need to stop being so afraid. Going over the edge is not an option. Time to face fear.
I would like to dedicate this to everyone who has had to face fear in any aspect and has come out a stronger person on the other side. You are my inspiration.
A lot has happened in a month and I'm sad to say that I am not in a very good place at this moment. I've been hit with a lot of bad news recently and my world is off-kilter at the moment. The balance that I thought I had in my life is completely gone and now I have to figure out a way to get things back on track.
I've rambled a bit without saying much, so I'm going to put it out there. I lost someone close to me last week and spent this week in New England to attend her wake and funeral. Not an easy trip and I'm still reeling from everything. On top of this, I received a call from my dad yesterday. He called to tell me that he was in the hospital on Tuesday after fainting at rehab. Fortunately, the doctors could not find anything wrong and he was able to go home on Wednesday, but it is a reminder that, although he is progressing in his rehabilitation from his stroke, he is still not completely in the clear. He sounded good and reassured me that he was fine and I believe him. For one minute I wished I was closer to him so that I could see for myself that he is really ok.
Alright, I am not going to make this a post about how life is short and we need to live it to the fullest. Or how we need to let those we love know how we feel before it is too late. I think we all already know this and I'm sure a lot of you out there already try to do this. No, I'm going to be honest about how I'm feeling right now and hope that, by the time I'm done, I can try to figure out how to get myself back on track.
I titled this post 'breaking point' because I feel like I am at a point where if I make one more bad choice or if something bad happens either to myself or someone I care about, I don't think I'll be able to cope. I already feel like I'm on the edge of a cliff and one move will send me over the edge. I have put on more weight and I now weigh more than I did when I started this blog. At my last weigh in, I was 266.6 pounds. Not where I want to be. My financial state is not good either. I am in the red, feeling like I am one step close to living on the street, and I just can't seem to figure out how I got here. Poor choices and the inability to manage my money and my food intake are the first things that pop into my mind. My ideas to break bad habits have gone by the wayside and I am now in a position where I have to change. I do not want to live on the street and I do not want to have a heart attack or get diabetes or have any kind of medical problems. I am tired and I am scared. Deep down, I know what I have to do, I'm just scared and it is fear that is holding me back. I am afraid that people will look down on me because of the mistakes I have made. I am ashamed of the fact that I can't seem to keep my finances in order and that I have to ask to borrow money from others just to make it to the next paycheck. I am feeling like a big, fat loser who has been acting like a confident person for so long that the facade is starting to break. I have been playing so many different parts lately that I don't know how to just be me anymore. Actually, I'm not really sure who I am anymore.
I have a decision to make. Do I fall off the cliff and ignore my situation until everything falls down around me? Or do I move into scary territory and really make the changes needed to set things right? Should I continue to allow fear to keep me where I am or do I talk about what is really going on and deal with the fall-out. Ignoring the situation is no longer an option. It is time to work on the problem because I need to move forward. I am tired of being afraid. I'm tired of worrying about what other people will think of me. I need to figure out who I am again and I need to make good choices that will benefit me and not worry about how I will be judged.
Life really is too short. In order to really live my life, I need to stop being so afraid. Going over the edge is not an option. Time to face fear.
I would like to dedicate this to everyone who has had to face fear in any aspect and has come out a stronger person on the other side. You are my inspiration.
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