Hi my name is Jen and I'm a....

Hi my name is Jen and I'm a sugar junkie. I can't remember when I was first introduced to the stuff, but it has been a major component in most of the food I put into my body. I was probably a small child the first time I had a cookie or piece of candy or ice cream (ok, I'd have to check with my mom, but I don't think even she remembers the first sweet thing I ever ate). It seems like ever since that time I have been crazy for sugar. Now I understand that a lot of foods have sugar in them and with most healthy foods it is a natural sugar that is not so bad for you. I am not talking about those foods. I am talking about ice cream, candy, chocolate bars with nuts and caramel, donuts, cookies, cakes, I have to stop now because I am starting to drool. I can't tell you exactly when the addiction began, but I have recently begun to realize that it is an addiction and the major road block to my weight loss. How many of you know people who are not interested in sweets? I have friends who could care less if they have dessert, who are able to take half a cookie or half a donut and walk away. I know people who just don't eat sweets because they don't like them. What I would like to ask these people is, how do you do it? (Actually, sometimes I'd like to punch these people, but since they are my friends and I don't want to get arrested for battery I refrain.) For as long as I can remember, I have never been someone who could just have 1 sweet thing. I could never eat half a cookie and be satisfied. I have to eat 4-5, or sometimes the entire bag of cookies in one sitting. Same thing with cake, I can't eat a small piece, I have to have a large piece or 2 pieces. Don't even get me started on ice cream. I may be one of the few people who can pile a large serving of ice cream in a small dish. So, what is it about sugar that has such a hold on me? Well ever since I posted that blog about how sugar reacts in the brain and can be like a drug, I've been paying attention to how I feel when I eat sugar. I am going to be honest here because I know that, with any addiction, the road to recovery is when we acknowledge we have a problem and we bring out all our secrets, so here goes. I am a closet eater. I eat a lot of things in secret that no one knows about because I am ashamed and afraid of what they will say. I have been doing this for years. When I was a kid, I would sneak cookies or candy or other sweets and eat them in the bathroom (pretty gross I know). When I started driving, my car became the place where I would eat sweets and connivance marts became my dealers. Have you ever been in a convenience mart? It is a sugar junkie's paradise. The minute you walk through the door, you are hit with the donut and cookie display. The wall leading up to the counter where you pay along with the counter is lined with candy bars. Some places have a cooler in the middle of the store that has ice cream bars in it. It's crazy! I can't begin to tell you how glad I am that someone created the pay at the pump option because now, if I go into a connivance store, it is because I am getting a sugar fix not because I am paying for my gas. Believe me, I am not proud of my behaviors and it is not easy for me to write this, but I feel I need to get this out in order to really help myself. What is it about sugar and sweet foods that has me so captivated? Comfort for one thing. There is something very soothing to me about sinking my teeth into a Snickers candy bar or biting into a chocolate chip cookie, or eating a donut, especially when I am upset. Like most drugs, the sugar makes the pain go away for a little while, but it always comes back and worse than it was before I ate the treat. So now that I have recognized that I have a problem, the way to tackle it is to go cold turkey (and I don't like artificial sweeteners, so I will not be making desserts with Truvia or Splenda). I just have to give up the hard core sugar. So no more cake, ice cream, cookies, candy, my hands are beginning to shake as I write this. I feel I need to go cold turkey because, right now, I cannot control myself when I eat these items. I cannot trust myself to just eat 1 cookie or a small serving of ice cream, so I need to give them up. I am making this public because I really feel I have a problem and if more people know about it, then I will really be held accountable. I know I can't continue at the weight that I am and I know this kind of sugar in the amounts that I eat is not good for me. So I have to let it go and I have to figure out another way to comfort myself when I am upset. I will check in with all of you in a month to let you know how things are going. I think I may try to find a 12-step group to help me. We have AA and NA, there has to be something out there for sugar addicts. I weighed in on Monday, 4/11, and gained 1.2 pounds. That, along with the fact that I know some people who are having great success with their weight loss, prompted me to really look at myself and to write this. Thank you for the encouragement, and to my friends who are looking great and losing weight, keep it up! It truly is encouraging for me to see your successes. Until next time...

Slow and Steady...

Happy April! I'm thinking a post a month is what I'm capable of, unless I'm truly inspired or truly motivated (right now, motivation is the key). I named this post slow and steady because that's what my weight loss has been. For the past 2 weeks, I have lost 0.4 pounds. Now I know any loss is a good thing, but come on. I can't figure out why I can't lose a whole pound in one week. So I have to re-evaluate what I am doing and figure out where I am going wrong. I am still writing down everything I eat and I am doing my best to make good choices (although the other night I went to dinner with a friend and ate a burger). For the most part, I feel pretty good about what I'm eating. I have started buying more organic foods and looking at the labels of items in the grocery store before I buy them. I have been staying away from processed foods, which have a lot of chemicals in them in exchange for more produce and healthier meats. I am also cooking more, which I really enjoy, and choosing recipes that have more vegetables in them. I am still struggling with my alcohol consumption. I work the overnight shift, so 5 days a week I am not drinking at all, but on my days off I seem to drink a lot. I don't know, I try to have the best intentions, but instead of having 1-2 glasses of wine or 1-2 beers, I seem to drink 6-7. At 5 points a glass, that 30-35 points for that much wine. (Light beer is a little less at 3 points, but it still adds up) I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth it. Also, when I drink like that, I wake up feeling crappy and unmotivated to do anything which is not how I want to spend my day off. I don't want to give up drinking wine or beer. I enjoy having a glass of wine with dinner and I didn't go into this to give up alcohol. I think I just need to be very mindful about how much I am drinking. If I plan for 1-2 glasses of wine, that is all I should drink. As I was writing this, I began to think about my sense of control or lack there of. When I think about how I put on this weight and how I've maintained this weight for so long I realize that my biggest issue has always been a lack of control. I love sweets, but instead of just eating one cookie or 2 small scoops of ice cream, I have always had to have 3-4 cookies or a huge bowl of ice cream. Also, once I start eating sweets, especially if I am alone, I can't seem to stop. I think the same is true for alcohol. The feeling that I get when I eat sweets or consume alcohol are the same. It is a sense of euphoria, nothing seems to bother me and I feel like I'm wrapped in a nice, warm cocoon. I can understand why some people self-medicate with alcohol or even food. The problem is, like with most things, too much is not good. So my focus is going to be on self-control. If I can learn to control how much of a good thing I am putting into my body, it will spill over into other aspects of my life that I have let go. It won't be an easy process, but nothing really worth doing ever is. After all, this is my life and, if I'm not happy about how I'm looking or how things are going, I am the one who has to fix it. So, thank you to everyone who take the time to read this. I appreciate all of the comments and encouragements I've received. I will continue to keep you posted on how things are going. Oh, and in case you were wondering, at my last weigh in I was 262.8 pounds, down 7.2 pounds from my beginning. Not too shabby... :)

Believe

Welcome to March. For those of you who live up north, I hope this means nicer weather and no more snow. I can say the weather here in Florida has been cool and comfortable, which is nice because the warm, sticky weather will be here soon.

Last week was an emotional week for me. After weighing in before my Weight Watchers meeting and not seeing any change on the scale, I sat through a meeting where a woman who I thought looked really good complained about how her husband loses weight easily, but she is having a hard time losing 5 pounds. She then proceeded to shoot down every idea and piece of advice that was given to her by both the leader and other people in the meeting. Now I was already feeling pretty crappy and ready to give up and the last thing I wanted to hear was this woman, who did not look like she needed to lose 5 pounds, complain and be negative. By the end of the meeting, I was frustrated and upset. As I was gathering up my stuff, the meeting leader came over, said I looked upset, and asked me what was wrong. With that, I started to cry.
So, I'm crying and I'm trying to hold it in, which only makes you cry harder. I told the leader about how frustrated I was. How many years I've been carrying around all this weight and how I'm struggling to lose it. I also talked about how frustrating it is for me to watch friends and family lose weight while I just seem to stay the same. (Please don't get me wrong, I am so thrilled for the changes my friends and family members have made and I'm so happy for them.) When I finished and was trying to pull myself together, the leader looked me in the eye and said that she believed in me. She told me that I had the strength to do this and that she believed in me.

This got me thinking. I am the negative one. The first to make a joking, negative comment about myself before anyone else does. The first one to tell myself I can't do it, I'm not strong enough, I'm not good enough. Why is it that this woman who barely knows me believes in me when I have a hard time believing in myself? Having someone tell me that they believe in me sort of sent me into a tailspin. I forced myself to step back and take a good look at where I was coming from mentally and emotionally. That is not an easy thing because in order for me to start to see the real me, I had to be vulnerable and raw. So I am working on rebuilding my self-esteem, trying to view myself as the person I really am, not just someone with a weight problem and isn't good enough. I'm still feeling a little raw and am probably overly sensitive at times. The thing I have to keep in mind is that from pain comes growth. Everyday I am one step closer to where I want to be.

So to all of you out there who are working towards change or working towards something that is difficult to accomplish, I believe in you! As corny as that sounds, I do believe in each of you and I know you have the strength to accomplish any challenge you set for yourself. I hope these words will help you believe in yourselves.

I did weigh in today and I lost 3.6 pounds. I have also decided to start training to do the Disney Half-Marathon in January 2012, so I have a workout goal ahead of me and I believe this is something I can accomplish. As always, thanks for the encouragement and thanks for reading! :)

Master and Servant

Ok, the title is obscure, unless you are a fan of Depeche Mode and know that the song is in reference to Sado-Masochism. No, this blog entry is not going to be a look into my kinky sex life (which I don't have), it is a focus on the fact that I recently realize that I am a Masochist.

For those of you who don't know (and I'm sure most of you do) a masochist is someone who like to inflict or have pain inflicted on themselves. Masochism is inevitably linked to sex, but can also come out in so many other ways. So, why do I think I'm a masochist, well I've recently begun working with a personal trainer, I think you know where I'm going with this.

My trainer is a very nice, 22 year old guy who I am going to call Joe, in reference to G.I. Joe because he has the physique to be a well trained solider. Joe decided we would start working on my legs, so he had me sit on a bench and stand up without using my arms to push me up. So I went from a sitting to a standing position for 3 sets of 15. Sounds easy right? Wrong! Halfway through the first set, my legs started to burn and I could feel clenching in my stomach. Joe told me this was a good thing because not only were we working my legs, but my core as well, I guess that is what trainers now call the stomach. When I finished the 3 sets, my legs felt a little spongy and we move on to the next exercise. Now if I thought sitting and standing was hard, I was in for a surprise. For the next leg exercise, Joe put me on a weight machine that focused on my quads and calves. I sat in the machine and my legs went behind this pad, which I would lift by straighting my legs 15 times. When I finished on the machine, Joe had me go on a bike with the resistance set at 13 and I was to pedal as fast as I could for 30 seconds. I had to do 3 sets of this exercise and by the time I was finished, I didn't think I would be able to stand. The final exercise worked the inner and outer thigh muscles and was done on 2 machines that left me in uncomfortable positions. For the outer thigh machine, there were two arms with pads that rested on the outside of my knees and I had to push my legs open. On the inner thigh machine, I started with legs wide open and had to push them closed. Not the most lady-like position, but it did the trick because by the time I finished, my thighs were burning. Needless to say, I'm not exactly sure how I was able to walk out of the gym after the session. Not only that, but my legs were very sore for the next few days. It is never fun when you have to use the tub and the sink to balance yourself as you try to sit on the toilet.

So, now you can see why I'm beginning to feel like a masochist. And I will be meeting with Joe again next week so he can make my arms and upper body feel like jelly. Why am I doing this? I hope to be able to tone up and, as the weight continues to come off, I will look and feel better.

Ok, I have weighed in at Weight Watchers twice since the last post. On 2/14/11 I lost 5.8 pounds, which was great. This past Monday, 2/21/11, I stayed the same. I have to admit, I don't think I was quite on my game last week and it showed. At least I didn't gain. So I am trying to keep my eyes on the prize (that's my motivating statement) and not be discouraged. I am also working on embracing new parts of my personality, which is why my other motivating statement is "no pain, no gain".

Thanks for all the tips and support! It really makes a difference. Until next time, keep pushing and keep your eyes on the prize. (Ok, that was really cheesy, but you get what I mean.) :-)

More research!?!

I'm beginning to think that it is time to look into getting that PhD. In my last post, I did some research on how sugar interacts in the body, playing on my thesis that sugar is my drug of choice (which is still true with alcohol being a close second). This month, I've been doing research on diet plans in order to find one that will work for me. With all the research I've been doing lately, I should just go back to school and put the work towards something useful, like becoming Dr. Gallagher.

Why the research on diet plans (or I should say weight loss plans because we all know diet is an evil word), because I really want to lose weight and I need to do it in a way that is going to stick. A couple of years ago I bought the book "The Beck Diet Solution" written by Dr. Judith Beck, daughter of Dr. Aaron Beck. For those of you who don't know, Dr. Aaron Beck is the father of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a way of changing the way a person thinks in order to help them modify bad behaviors (that is the simple definition). Being a psychology geek, I thought this book would help me change my thought patterns about food and my emotional eating. Well, I think the book would help if I read more than the first chapter. So I recently pulled the book out from under my bed, dusted it off, and began reading again. I developed my advantages to losing weight, wrote them down, and posted them on my bathroom mirror. Next I began looking into weight loss programs. Dr. Beck recommends you choose 2 programs, one will be your main program and the other is a back up. Well, after looking into several different plans, I have decided to try Weight Watchers. What I like about Weight Watchers is that I can eat regular food as long as I stay within my points. This way, I can continue to cook for myself and learn how to eat healthy. I will also learn how to listen to my body to make sure that I am eating because I'm hungry, not bored or upset or whatever. I'm excited about the program and I hope this excitement continues. My biggest challenge, negative thoughts and laziness. These two things have derailed me with every weight loss program I have tried. So I am going to pair Weight Watches with "The Beck Diet Solution" and see what happens.

I believe I will be successful because, as I've recently discovered, I'm a competitive person. What I mean by this is that a few of my friends are losing weight and I've realized that I do not want to be left behind. Also, I don't want to be shown up by other people. So, when I'm feeling lazy or defeated, I will think about these friends, how good they look and how healthy they are, and this will motivate me to do the same.

So, this is week one. I'm at 270.6 lbs. and I want to lose 110 lbs. in order to get to 160. My first weight loss goal is 14 lbs. and I plan to reach that goal by March 14th. Of course I will keep all of you posted.

Thanks for reading. Good thoughts are appreciated. My next research project, finding the right school for my doctorate degree! Stay tuned...

Sugar, you are my drug...

The other day I was having dinner with friends and the discussion came up about organic foods vs regular foods. I have several friends who have switched over to eating more organic foods, such as fruits, vegetables and dairy, and have found them more enjoyable than eating the regular fruits, veggies and milks you get at the grocery store. I asked if they really tasted different. "Not that different," my friend said, "It's just comforting to know that I am not putting a lot of unnecessary chemicals into my body."

Later in the week, I was talking to a friend who recently started a new diet. My friend told me about how one night she was craving ice cream or chocolate, something sweet. She said the craving was so bad that she began shaking. "Jennifer," she said, "I felt like I was having a panic attack. I began shaking and getting sweaty and I know if I would have had ice cream in the house, I would have eaten the whole thing."

This got me to thinking. Why is it that some people have a "sweet tooth" while others don't. I know several people who can take or leave sugary snacks, desserts, ice cream, cookies, cakes... (I need to stop now because I'm starting to drool on my keyboard), while other people (like me) cannot pass these treats up. I decided to do a little research and this is what I found out.

According to a study done in 2002 by Bart Hoebel, a neuroscientist at Princeton University, using too much sugar "may be a form of addiction, sharing some of the psychological characteristics of drug dependence." (Hoebel, B 2002). "Hoebel and colleagues studied rats that were induced to binge on sugar and found that they exhibited telltale signs of withdrawal, including "the shakes" and changes in brain chemistry, when the effects of the sweets were blocked. These signs are similar to those produced by drug withdrawal." (Hoebel, 2002). Hoebel also found that sugar triggers production of the brain's natural opioids, and that the brain is getting addicted to it's own natural opioids as it would to morphine or heroin. Drugs give a bigger effect, but it's essentially the same process. (Hobel, 2002)

In another article, written by Annette Nay, PhD, she states, "Processed sugars and carbohydrates, which turn into sugar, cause a rise in the insulin level of the blood. This also raises the endorphins level, a natural mood upper in the brain. These sugars causes the body to have a chemical high, mentally, which results in a lift in mood." (Nay, 1997). Nay also goes on to say, "Continuous large doses of sugar and/or carbohydrates, overtime, usually cause the brain's endorphins sites to slow production or close sites to regulate the amount of endorphins in the brain. When the body cuts back on endorphin production it reduces the amount of endorphins available in the body at any given time. The lack of enough endorphin in the brain causes slight to deep depression." (Nay, 1997). So in order to get out of the depression, the person has to eat more sugar in order to feel normal, much in the same way that the alcoholic or the junkie needs to get their next fix in order to feel normal.

I felt these articles explained a lot. There were more out there, but the Google search started taking me into the realm of weird diets and fanatical foodies (the ones who won't eat cooked food and push all kinds of supplements) that I just didn't want to go there. What I have begun to realize is that I have an addiction to sugar. Not that I am going to use that as an excuse for not getting healthy, but, as any junkie knows, the way to get help is to admit that you have a problem. So now I am trying to figure out how to get the help. Unfortunately there are not a lot of rehab programs out there for sugar junkies. The best I was able to find was Overeaters Anonymous, and I don't know if I'm ready to go there yet. So the question is, do I quit cold turkey and try to do this on my own, or do I gradually come off the stuff and try to find support from other people like me. Hmmmm, I'll have to keep you posted on that one.

Because I was always a good student, I like to give credit where credit is due:
To read the Hoebel article, go to: http://www.princeton.edu/pr/news/02/q2/0620-hoebel.htm.
To read the May article, go to: http://www.three-peaks.net/annette/Processed-Sugar.htm.

Time, time, time, see what's become of me...

Wow, my last post was in September and it is now January. Time does fly. For some reason, it doesn't feel like it has been that long since my last post, but it has. Time has a funny way of sneaking by without being noticed. Or maybe time moves fast because I'm getting older...nah that can't be it.

Well, I made it through 2010 with all the ups and downs, most of the time it felt like there were more downs than ups, and here we are in 2011. I still look the same. I've been sitting at the same weight for an entire year. I joined a gym that I don't go to and I've watched as friends have lost weight, become healthier, and moved towards their goals while I'm stuck.

Ok, stuck may not be the right word. I have made the choice to stay where I am because I don't motivate myself to change. That may sound harsh, but it's true. I'm not going to make excuses for myself. I know what I need to do to change and I don't do it. Well, that is going to have to change. I've said that before but lately I've been having these weird dreams. In one dream, I'm older and having all kinds of problems because I didn't take care of myself. Last night I had a dream where I was working towards my goals and I was in a great relationship with a great guy. I think we were looking to purchase real estate from someone I work with at Burlington (kind of a cool apartment inside of a cool house, but I'm not absolutely positive about that). That part was strange, but the point is that the dreams gave me two options for myself. Also, the fact that this year marks a birthday that I would rather not have is motivation for me to move forward.

So, rather than sleeping in and throwing off my schedule, I am going to go to the gym and I am going to start making changes so that I can become healthier. I just heard a voice in my head say "yeah, right, we've heard that before" but it is true. I can't blame stress for my weight gain because I have a job that I really like and I am not bringing work home with me. My schedule is a little crazy, I work the overnight shift Tuesday-Saturday, but I like what I do. It's kind of easy and has given me the opportunity to consider going back to school and I've also learned how to crochet, which I really enjoy.

So welcome 2011. I don't know how happy I will be with you when July gets here, but I'll deal with that at another time. I will keep everyone posted on my progress and I will try not to whine so much. Thanks for reading and for all your support!