Welcome to March. For those of you who live up north, I hope this means nicer weather and no more snow. I can say the weather here in Florida has been cool and comfortable, which is nice because the warm, sticky weather will be here soon.
Last week was an emotional week for me. After weighing in before my Weight Watchers meeting and not seeing any change on the scale, I sat through a meeting where a woman who I thought looked really good complained about how her husband loses weight easily, but she is having a hard time losing 5 pounds. She then proceeded to shoot down every idea and piece of advice that was given to her by both the leader and other people in the meeting. Now I was already feeling pretty crappy and ready to give up and the last thing I wanted to hear was this woman, who did not look like she needed to lose 5 pounds, complain and be negative. By the end of the meeting, I was frustrated and upset. As I was gathering up my stuff, the meeting leader came over, said I looked upset, and asked me what was wrong. With that, I started to cry.
So, I'm crying and I'm trying to hold it in, which only makes you cry harder. I told the leader about how frustrated I was. How many years I've been carrying around all this weight and how I'm struggling to lose it. I also talked about how frustrating it is for me to watch friends and family lose weight while I just seem to stay the same. (Please don't get me wrong, I am so thrilled for the changes my friends and family members have made and I'm so happy for them.) When I finished and was trying to pull myself together, the leader looked me in the eye and said that she believed in me. She told me that I had the strength to do this and that she believed in me.
This got me thinking. I am the negative one. The first to make a joking, negative comment about myself before anyone else does. The first one to tell myself I can't do it, I'm not strong enough, I'm not good enough. Why is it that this woman who barely knows me believes in me when I have a hard time believing in myself? Having someone tell me that they believe in me sort of sent me into a tailspin. I forced myself to step back and take a good look at where I was coming from mentally and emotionally. That is not an easy thing because in order for me to start to see the real me, I had to be vulnerable and raw. So I am working on rebuilding my self-esteem, trying to view myself as the person I really am, not just someone with a weight problem and isn't good enough. I'm still feeling a little raw and am probably overly sensitive at times. The thing I have to keep in mind is that from pain comes growth. Everyday I am one step closer to where I want to be.
So to all of you out there who are working towards change or working towards something that is difficult to accomplish, I believe in you! As corny as that sounds, I do believe in each of you and I know you have the strength to accomplish any challenge you set for yourself. I hope these words will help you believe in yourselves.
I did weigh in today and I lost 3.6 pounds. I have also decided to start training to do the Disney Half-Marathon in January 2012, so I have a workout goal ahead of me and I believe this is something I can accomplish. As always, thanks for the encouragement and thanks for reading! :)
Monday, March 14, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Master and Servant
Ok, the title is obscure, unless you are a fan of Depeche Mode and know that the song is in reference to Sado-Masochism. No, this blog entry is not going to be a look into my kinky sex life (which I don't have), it is a focus on the fact that I recently realize that I am a Masochist.
For those of you who don't know (and I'm sure most of you do) a masochist is someone who like to inflict or have pain inflicted on themselves. Masochism is inevitably linked to sex, but can also come out in so many other ways. So, why do I think I'm a masochist, well I've recently begun working with a personal trainer, I think you know where I'm going with this.
My trainer is a very nice, 22 year old guy who I am going to call Joe, in reference to G.I. Joe because he has the physique to be a well trained solider. Joe decided we would start working on my legs, so he had me sit on a bench and stand up without using my arms to push me up. So I went from a sitting to a standing position for 3 sets of 15. Sounds easy right? Wrong! Halfway through the first set, my legs started to burn and I could feel clenching in my stomach. Joe told me this was a good thing because not only were we working my legs, but my core as well, I guess that is what trainers now call the stomach. When I finished the 3 sets, my legs felt a little spongy and we move on to the next exercise. Now if I thought sitting and standing was hard, I was in for a surprise. For the next leg exercise, Joe put me on a weight machine that focused on my quads and calves. I sat in the machine and my legs went behind this pad, which I would lift by straighting my legs 15 times. When I finished on the machine, Joe had me go on a bike with the resistance set at 13 and I was to pedal as fast as I could for 30 seconds. I had to do 3 sets of this exercise and by the time I was finished, I didn't think I would be able to stand. The final exercise worked the inner and outer thigh muscles and was done on 2 machines that left me in uncomfortable positions. For the outer thigh machine, there were two arms with pads that rested on the outside of my knees and I had to push my legs open. On the inner thigh machine, I started with legs wide open and had to push them closed. Not the most lady-like position, but it did the trick because by the time I finished, my thighs were burning. Needless to say, I'm not exactly sure how I was able to walk out of the gym after the session. Not only that, but my legs were very sore for the next few days. It is never fun when you have to use the tub and the sink to balance yourself as you try to sit on the toilet.
So, now you can see why I'm beginning to feel like a masochist. And I will be meeting with Joe again next week so he can make my arms and upper body feel like jelly. Why am I doing this? I hope to be able to tone up and, as the weight continues to come off, I will look and feel better.
Ok, I have weighed in at Weight Watchers twice since the last post. On 2/14/11 I lost 5.8 pounds, which was great. This past Monday, 2/21/11, I stayed the same. I have to admit, I don't think I was quite on my game last week and it showed. At least I didn't gain. So I am trying to keep my eyes on the prize (that's my motivating statement) and not be discouraged. I am also working on embracing new parts of my personality, which is why my other motivating statement is "no pain, no gain".
Thanks for all the tips and support! It really makes a difference. Until next time, keep pushing and keep your eyes on the prize. (Ok, that was really cheesy, but you get what I mean.) :-)
For those of you who don't know (and I'm sure most of you do) a masochist is someone who like to inflict or have pain inflicted on themselves. Masochism is inevitably linked to sex, but can also come out in so many other ways. So, why do I think I'm a masochist, well I've recently begun working with a personal trainer, I think you know where I'm going with this.
My trainer is a very nice, 22 year old guy who I am going to call Joe, in reference to G.I. Joe because he has the physique to be a well trained solider. Joe decided we would start working on my legs, so he had me sit on a bench and stand up without using my arms to push me up. So I went from a sitting to a standing position for 3 sets of 15. Sounds easy right? Wrong! Halfway through the first set, my legs started to burn and I could feel clenching in my stomach. Joe told me this was a good thing because not only were we working my legs, but my core as well, I guess that is what trainers now call the stomach. When I finished the 3 sets, my legs felt a little spongy and we move on to the next exercise. Now if I thought sitting and standing was hard, I was in for a surprise. For the next leg exercise, Joe put me on a weight machine that focused on my quads and calves. I sat in the machine and my legs went behind this pad, which I would lift by straighting my legs 15 times. When I finished on the machine, Joe had me go on a bike with the resistance set at 13 and I was to pedal as fast as I could for 30 seconds. I had to do 3 sets of this exercise and by the time I was finished, I didn't think I would be able to stand. The final exercise worked the inner and outer thigh muscles and was done on 2 machines that left me in uncomfortable positions. For the outer thigh machine, there were two arms with pads that rested on the outside of my knees and I had to push my legs open. On the inner thigh machine, I started with legs wide open and had to push them closed. Not the most lady-like position, but it did the trick because by the time I finished, my thighs were burning. Needless to say, I'm not exactly sure how I was able to walk out of the gym after the session. Not only that, but my legs were very sore for the next few days. It is never fun when you have to use the tub and the sink to balance yourself as you try to sit on the toilet.
So, now you can see why I'm beginning to feel like a masochist. And I will be meeting with Joe again next week so he can make my arms and upper body feel like jelly. Why am I doing this? I hope to be able to tone up and, as the weight continues to come off, I will look and feel better.
Ok, I have weighed in at Weight Watchers twice since the last post. On 2/14/11 I lost 5.8 pounds, which was great. This past Monday, 2/21/11, I stayed the same. I have to admit, I don't think I was quite on my game last week and it showed. At least I didn't gain. So I am trying to keep my eyes on the prize (that's my motivating statement) and not be discouraged. I am also working on embracing new parts of my personality, which is why my other motivating statement is "no pain, no gain".
Thanks for all the tips and support! It really makes a difference. Until next time, keep pushing and keep your eyes on the prize. (Ok, that was really cheesy, but you get what I mean.) :-)
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
More research!?!
I'm beginning to think that it is time to look into getting that PhD. In my last post, I did some research on how sugar interacts in the body, playing on my thesis that sugar is my drug of choice (which is still true with alcohol being a close second). This month, I've been doing research on diet plans in order to find one that will work for me. With all the research I've been doing lately, I should just go back to school and put the work towards something useful, like becoming Dr. Gallagher.
Why the research on diet plans (or I should say weight loss plans because we all know diet is an evil word), because I really want to lose weight and I need to do it in a way that is going to stick. A couple of years ago I bought the book "The Beck Diet Solution" written by Dr. Judith Beck, daughter of Dr. Aaron Beck. For those of you who don't know, Dr. Aaron Beck is the father of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a way of changing the way a person thinks in order to help them modify bad behaviors (that is the simple definition). Being a psychology geek, I thought this book would help me change my thought patterns about food and my emotional eating. Well, I think the book would help if I read more than the first chapter. So I recently pulled the book out from under my bed, dusted it off, and began reading again. I developed my advantages to losing weight, wrote them down, and posted them on my bathroom mirror. Next I began looking into weight loss programs. Dr. Beck recommends you choose 2 programs, one will be your main program and the other is a back up. Well, after looking into several different plans, I have decided to try Weight Watchers. What I like about Weight Watchers is that I can eat regular food as long as I stay within my points. This way, I can continue to cook for myself and learn how to eat healthy. I will also learn how to listen to my body to make sure that I am eating because I'm hungry, not bored or upset or whatever. I'm excited about the program and I hope this excitement continues. My biggest challenge, negative thoughts and laziness. These two things have derailed me with every weight loss program I have tried. So I am going to pair Weight Watches with "The Beck Diet Solution" and see what happens.
I believe I will be successful because, as I've recently discovered, I'm a competitive person. What I mean by this is that a few of my friends are losing weight and I've realized that I do not want to be left behind. Also, I don't want to be shown up by other people. So, when I'm feeling lazy or defeated, I will think about these friends, how good they look and how healthy they are, and this will motivate me to do the same.
So, this is week one. I'm at 270.6 lbs. and I want to lose 110 lbs. in order to get to 160. My first weight loss goal is 14 lbs. and I plan to reach that goal by March 14th. Of course I will keep all of you posted.
Thanks for reading. Good thoughts are appreciated. My next research project, finding the right school for my doctorate degree! Stay tuned...
Why the research on diet plans (or I should say weight loss plans because we all know diet is an evil word), because I really want to lose weight and I need to do it in a way that is going to stick. A couple of years ago I bought the book "The Beck Diet Solution" written by Dr. Judith Beck, daughter of Dr. Aaron Beck. For those of you who don't know, Dr. Aaron Beck is the father of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a way of changing the way a person thinks in order to help them modify bad behaviors (that is the simple definition). Being a psychology geek, I thought this book would help me change my thought patterns about food and my emotional eating. Well, I think the book would help if I read more than the first chapter. So I recently pulled the book out from under my bed, dusted it off, and began reading again. I developed my advantages to losing weight, wrote them down, and posted them on my bathroom mirror. Next I began looking into weight loss programs. Dr. Beck recommends you choose 2 programs, one will be your main program and the other is a back up. Well, after looking into several different plans, I have decided to try Weight Watchers. What I like about Weight Watchers is that I can eat regular food as long as I stay within my points. This way, I can continue to cook for myself and learn how to eat healthy. I will also learn how to listen to my body to make sure that I am eating because I'm hungry, not bored or upset or whatever. I'm excited about the program and I hope this excitement continues. My biggest challenge, negative thoughts and laziness. These two things have derailed me with every weight loss program I have tried. So I am going to pair Weight Watches with "The Beck Diet Solution" and see what happens.
I believe I will be successful because, as I've recently discovered, I'm a competitive person. What I mean by this is that a few of my friends are losing weight and I've realized that I do not want to be left behind. Also, I don't want to be shown up by other people. So, when I'm feeling lazy or defeated, I will think about these friends, how good they look and how healthy they are, and this will motivate me to do the same.
So, this is week one. I'm at 270.6 lbs. and I want to lose 110 lbs. in order to get to 160. My first weight loss goal is 14 lbs. and I plan to reach that goal by March 14th. Of course I will keep all of you posted.
Thanks for reading. Good thoughts are appreciated. My next research project, finding the right school for my doctorate degree! Stay tuned...
Monday, January 17, 2011
Sugar, you are my drug...
The other day I was having dinner with friends and the discussion came up about organic foods vs regular foods. I have several friends who have switched over to eating more organic foods, such as fruits, vegetables and dairy, and have found them more enjoyable than eating the regular fruits, veggies and milks you get at the grocery store. I asked if they really tasted different. "Not that different," my friend said, "It's just comforting to know that I am not putting a lot of unnecessary chemicals into my body."
Later in the week, I was talking to a friend who recently started a new diet. My friend told me about how one night she was craving ice cream or chocolate, something sweet. She said the craving was so bad that she began shaking. "Jennifer," she said, "I felt like I was having a panic attack. I began shaking and getting sweaty and I know if I would have had ice cream in the house, I would have eaten the whole thing."
This got me to thinking. Why is it that some people have a "sweet tooth" while others don't. I know several people who can take or leave sugary snacks, desserts, ice cream, cookies, cakes... (I need to stop now because I'm starting to drool on my keyboard), while other people (like me) cannot pass these treats up. I decided to do a little research and this is what I found out.
According to a study done in 2002 by Bart Hoebel, a neuroscientist at Princeton University, using too much sugar "may be a form of addiction, sharing some of the psychological characteristics of drug dependence." (Hoebel, B 2002). "Hoebel and colleagues studied rats that were induced to binge on sugar and found that they exhibited telltale signs of withdrawal, including "the shakes" and changes in brain chemistry, when the effects of the sweets were blocked. These signs are similar to those produced by drug withdrawal." (Hoebel, 2002). Hoebel also found that sugar triggers production of the brain's natural opioids, and that the brain is getting addicted to it's own natural opioids as it would to morphine or heroin. Drugs give a bigger effect, but it's essentially the same process. (Hobel, 2002)
In another article, written by Annette Nay, PhD, she states, "Processed sugars and carbohydrates, which turn into sugar, cause a rise in the insulin level of the blood. This also raises the endorphins level, a natural mood upper in the brain. These sugars causes the body to have a chemical high, mentally, which results in a lift in mood." (Nay, 1997). Nay also goes on to say, "Continuous large doses of sugar and/or carbohydrates, overtime, usually cause the brain's endorphins sites to slow production or close sites to regulate the amount of endorphins in the brain. When the body cuts back on endorphin production it reduces the amount of endorphins available in the body at any given time. The lack of enough endorphin in the brain causes slight to deep depression." (Nay, 1997). So in order to get out of the depression, the person has to eat more sugar in order to feel normal, much in the same way that the alcoholic or the junkie needs to get their next fix in order to feel normal.
I felt these articles explained a lot. There were more out there, but the Google search started taking me into the realm of weird diets and fanatical foodies (the ones who won't eat cooked food and push all kinds of supplements) that I just didn't want to go there. What I have begun to realize is that I have an addiction to sugar. Not that I am going to use that as an excuse for not getting healthy, but, as any junkie knows, the way to get help is to admit that you have a problem. So now I am trying to figure out how to get the help. Unfortunately there are not a lot of rehab programs out there for sugar junkies. The best I was able to find was Overeaters Anonymous, and I don't know if I'm ready to go there yet. So the question is, do I quit cold turkey and try to do this on my own, or do I gradually come off the stuff and try to find support from other people like me. Hmmmm, I'll have to keep you posted on that one.
Because I was always a good student, I like to give credit where credit is due:
To read the Hoebel article, go to: http://www.princeton.edu/pr/news/02/q2/0620-hoebel.htm.
To read the May article, go to: http://www.three-peaks.net/annette/Processed-Sugar.htm.
Later in the week, I was talking to a friend who recently started a new diet. My friend told me about how one night she was craving ice cream or chocolate, something sweet. She said the craving was so bad that she began shaking. "Jennifer," she said, "I felt like I was having a panic attack. I began shaking and getting sweaty and I know if I would have had ice cream in the house, I would have eaten the whole thing."
This got me to thinking. Why is it that some people have a "sweet tooth" while others don't. I know several people who can take or leave sugary snacks, desserts, ice cream, cookies, cakes... (I need to stop now because I'm starting to drool on my keyboard), while other people (like me) cannot pass these treats up. I decided to do a little research and this is what I found out.
According to a study done in 2002 by Bart Hoebel, a neuroscientist at Princeton University, using too much sugar "may be a form of addiction, sharing some of the psychological characteristics of drug dependence." (Hoebel, B 2002). "Hoebel and colleagues studied rats that were induced to binge on sugar and found that they exhibited telltale signs of withdrawal, including "the shakes" and changes in brain chemistry, when the effects of the sweets were blocked. These signs are similar to those produced by drug withdrawal." (Hoebel, 2002). Hoebel also found that sugar triggers production of the brain's natural opioids, and that the brain is getting addicted to it's own natural opioids as it would to morphine or heroin. Drugs give a bigger effect, but it's essentially the same process. (Hobel, 2002)
In another article, written by Annette Nay, PhD, she states, "Processed sugars and carbohydrates, which turn into sugar, cause a rise in the insulin level of the blood. This also raises the endorphins level, a natural mood upper in the brain. These sugars causes the body to have a chemical high, mentally, which results in a lift in mood." (Nay, 1997). Nay also goes on to say, "Continuous large doses of sugar and/or carbohydrates, overtime, usually cause the brain's endorphins sites to slow production or close sites to regulate the amount of endorphins in the brain. When the body cuts back on endorphin production it reduces the amount of endorphins available in the body at any given time. The lack of enough endorphin in the brain causes slight to deep depression." (Nay, 1997). So in order to get out of the depression, the person has to eat more sugar in order to feel normal, much in the same way that the alcoholic or the junkie needs to get their next fix in order to feel normal.
I felt these articles explained a lot. There were more out there, but the Google search started taking me into the realm of weird diets and fanatical foodies (the ones who won't eat cooked food and push all kinds of supplements) that I just didn't want to go there. What I have begun to realize is that I have an addiction to sugar. Not that I am going to use that as an excuse for not getting healthy, but, as any junkie knows, the way to get help is to admit that you have a problem. So now I am trying to figure out how to get the help. Unfortunately there are not a lot of rehab programs out there for sugar junkies. The best I was able to find was Overeaters Anonymous, and I don't know if I'm ready to go there yet. So the question is, do I quit cold turkey and try to do this on my own, or do I gradually come off the stuff and try to find support from other people like me. Hmmmm, I'll have to keep you posted on that one.
Because I was always a good student, I like to give credit where credit is due:
To read the Hoebel article, go to: http://www.princeton.edu/pr/news/02/q2/0620-hoebel.htm.
To read the May article, go to: http://www.three-peaks.net/annette/Processed-Sugar.htm.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Time, time, time, see what's become of me...
Wow, my last post was in September and it is now January. Time does fly. For some reason, it doesn't feel like it has been that long since my last post, but it has. Time has a funny way of sneaking by without being noticed. Or maybe time moves fast because I'm getting older...nah that can't be it.
Well, I made it through 2010 with all the ups and downs, most of the time it felt like there were more downs than ups, and here we are in 2011. I still look the same. I've been sitting at the same weight for an entire year. I joined a gym that I don't go to and I've watched as friends have lost weight, become healthier, and moved towards their goals while I'm stuck.
Ok, stuck may not be the right word. I have made the choice to stay where I am because I don't motivate myself to change. That may sound harsh, but it's true. I'm not going to make excuses for myself. I know what I need to do to change and I don't do it. Well, that is going to have to change. I've said that before but lately I've been having these weird dreams. In one dream, I'm older and having all kinds of problems because I didn't take care of myself. Last night I had a dream where I was working towards my goals and I was in a great relationship with a great guy. I think we were looking to purchase real estate from someone I work with at Burlington (kind of a cool apartment inside of a cool house, but I'm not absolutely positive about that). That part was strange, but the point is that the dreams gave me two options for myself. Also, the fact that this year marks a birthday that I would rather not have is motivation for me to move forward.
So, rather than sleeping in and throwing off my schedule, I am going to go to the gym and I am going to start making changes so that I can become healthier. I just heard a voice in my head say "yeah, right, we've heard that before" but it is true. I can't blame stress for my weight gain because I have a job that I really like and I am not bringing work home with me. My schedule is a little crazy, I work the overnight shift Tuesday-Saturday, but I like what I do. It's kind of easy and has given me the opportunity to consider going back to school and I've also learned how to crochet, which I really enjoy.
So welcome 2011. I don't know how happy I will be with you when July gets here, but I'll deal with that at another time. I will keep everyone posted on my progress and I will try not to whine so much. Thanks for reading and for all your support!
Well, I made it through 2010 with all the ups and downs, most of the time it felt like there were more downs than ups, and here we are in 2011. I still look the same. I've been sitting at the same weight for an entire year. I joined a gym that I don't go to and I've watched as friends have lost weight, become healthier, and moved towards their goals while I'm stuck.
Ok, stuck may not be the right word. I have made the choice to stay where I am because I don't motivate myself to change. That may sound harsh, but it's true. I'm not going to make excuses for myself. I know what I need to do to change and I don't do it. Well, that is going to have to change. I've said that before but lately I've been having these weird dreams. In one dream, I'm older and having all kinds of problems because I didn't take care of myself. Last night I had a dream where I was working towards my goals and I was in a great relationship with a great guy. I think we were looking to purchase real estate from someone I work with at Burlington (kind of a cool apartment inside of a cool house, but I'm not absolutely positive about that). That part was strange, but the point is that the dreams gave me two options for myself. Also, the fact that this year marks a birthday that I would rather not have is motivation for me to move forward.
So, rather than sleeping in and throwing off my schedule, I am going to go to the gym and I am going to start making changes so that I can become healthier. I just heard a voice in my head say "yeah, right, we've heard that before" but it is true. I can't blame stress for my weight gain because I have a job that I really like and I am not bringing work home with me. My schedule is a little crazy, I work the overnight shift Tuesday-Saturday, but I like what I do. It's kind of easy and has given me the opportunity to consider going back to school and I've also learned how to crochet, which I really enjoy.
So welcome 2011. I don't know how happy I will be with you when July gets here, but I'll deal with that at another time. I will keep everyone posted on my progress and I will try not to whine so much. Thanks for reading and for all your support!
Friday, September 10, 2010
What do I want to be when I grow up...
When I was a kid, adults would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up. Well, when I was 7, it was an easy question to answer, a teacher. Between the ages of 7 and 11, I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to teach elementary school and would play school with my friends. This was also during a time when I really liked school and liked the idea of working with kids (or I was just really bossy and liked being in control).
When I was 11 years old and in 5th grade, I joined the drama club at school and got my first taste of acting. From that point until I graduated from high school, I wanted to be an actor. I loved acting. I loved having the chance to be someone else for a little while. I loved everything about the theater, and I still do. I was in several plays and musicals from 5th grade through college. The problem is, unless you are incredibly talented (or incredibly lucky) it is really hard to get a job as an actor. My parents were concerned about me struggling and being homeless and encouraged me to pick a career back-up plan. So I went off to college to try and figure out what I was going to do for the rest of my life.
I got into psychology after taking Abnormal Psychology during my second semester in college. I realized that I have an interest in people and what drives people to do what they do. Also, I realized that I was a good listener, a trait I should have picked up on long before college because I was the one my friends would come to when they were upset or needed to talk. As I continued through school, I realized that I could make a career out of listening to and trying to help others. What I didn't realize was that it would take more education for me to actually get to the point where I would be able to counsel others and I would not make a lot of money doing it. All that aside, I dived into my career choice and did everything that I needed to do to get to where I am today.
So, you're probably wondering why I titled this blog entry "What do I want to be when I grow up"? Well, I've recently left my job and have just been questioning my choices. I have had a rough time the past few months, made some mistakes because I was not fully on my game, and I have not been very happy. I'm beginning to wonder if I made the right choice, if being a counselor is really for me. I'm also a bit shaken up. I work hard and I try to do what is right, but I'm not perfect. I didn't ask for help when I really needed to (partially because I didn't know who to ask and partially because I didn't want to look like I couldn't handle the job) and I screwed up. Now I feel lost. I'm beginning to wonder if I can really be successful. I'm also wondering if I need to move in another direction. The problem is, I don't know what direction. I have to be honest, I never expected to be in this situation at this stage in my life.
So I will continue to ponder the question, what do I want to be... Maybe with some self-reflection and some guidance from friends, I'll figure it out.
When I was 11 years old and in 5th grade, I joined the drama club at school and got my first taste of acting. From that point until I graduated from high school, I wanted to be an actor. I loved acting. I loved having the chance to be someone else for a little while. I loved everything about the theater, and I still do. I was in several plays and musicals from 5th grade through college. The problem is, unless you are incredibly talented (or incredibly lucky) it is really hard to get a job as an actor. My parents were concerned about me struggling and being homeless and encouraged me to pick a career back-up plan. So I went off to college to try and figure out what I was going to do for the rest of my life.
I got into psychology after taking Abnormal Psychology during my second semester in college. I realized that I have an interest in people and what drives people to do what they do. Also, I realized that I was a good listener, a trait I should have picked up on long before college because I was the one my friends would come to when they were upset or needed to talk. As I continued through school, I realized that I could make a career out of listening to and trying to help others. What I didn't realize was that it would take more education for me to actually get to the point where I would be able to counsel others and I would not make a lot of money doing it. All that aside, I dived into my career choice and did everything that I needed to do to get to where I am today.
So, you're probably wondering why I titled this blog entry "What do I want to be when I grow up"? Well, I've recently left my job and have just been questioning my choices. I have had a rough time the past few months, made some mistakes because I was not fully on my game, and I have not been very happy. I'm beginning to wonder if I made the right choice, if being a counselor is really for me. I'm also a bit shaken up. I work hard and I try to do what is right, but I'm not perfect. I didn't ask for help when I really needed to (partially because I didn't know who to ask and partially because I didn't want to look like I couldn't handle the job) and I screwed up. Now I feel lost. I'm beginning to wonder if I can really be successful. I'm also wondering if I need to move in another direction. The problem is, I don't know what direction. I have to be honest, I never expected to be in this situation at this stage in my life.
So I will continue to ponder the question, what do I want to be... Maybe with some self-reflection and some guidance from friends, I'll figure it out.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Burnout or How I Woke Up from My Month Long Coma
Well, I looked at my blog posts and realized that my last post was on March 31st. Wow, I didn't think it was that long ago. Time really does fly.
A lot of things have happened over the past three months. In fact, I can't believe three months have flown by so quickly. I am not going to recap the last three months, stuff happened, I went on vacation, and more stuff happened (condensed recap). Instead, this blog is about how not asking for help + feeling overwhelmed = burnout.
As you all know, I was promoted to the Lead Clinician position at work back in November. Well things have not been going that great at work. I had to take on extra duties and felt like I was working all the time. I also had to deal with fall-out from a wonderful Medicaid audit (which was soooo much fun). So I did what any healthy, well-rounded, person would do, I shut down.
I know, healthy, well-rounded people do not shut down because healthy, well-rounded people know to ask for help. I did not ask for help partly because I wasn't sure who to ask and partly because I am very dense at times and felt that it would look like I was weak or that I couldn't handle my job if I asked for help. So for most of the month of July I was a walking zombie and it began to effect everyone around me.
How did I wake up? I was hit by a bolt of lightning. Not literally, I had a meeting with my supervisors and they told me that I needed to refocus because I was not being a leader in the office. The other thing they told me was that, by not focusing on the important aspects of the job, I was putting other people's jobs at risk. Whoa, there's the lightning. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt the people I work with. I really like the people I work with and I did not want them to worry about losing their jobs. So, the meeting and a pep talk from a wonderful friend help to wake me up and, honestly, I feel really good. Feeling burned out is very tiring and I didn't realize how horrible I felt until I came out of it.
What did I learn from this experience? Do not be afraid to ask for help. It takes a strong person to reach out and ask for help and the weak one to try to take everything on by yourself.
Thanks for reading. I will post again soon, I promise. :)
A lot of things have happened over the past three months. In fact, I can't believe three months have flown by so quickly. I am not going to recap the last three months, stuff happened, I went on vacation, and more stuff happened (condensed recap). Instead, this blog is about how not asking for help + feeling overwhelmed = burnout.
As you all know, I was promoted to the Lead Clinician position at work back in November. Well things have not been going that great at work. I had to take on extra duties and felt like I was working all the time. I also had to deal with fall-out from a wonderful Medicaid audit (which was soooo much fun). So I did what any healthy, well-rounded, person would do, I shut down.
I know, healthy, well-rounded people do not shut down because healthy, well-rounded people know to ask for help. I did not ask for help partly because I wasn't sure who to ask and partly because I am very dense at times and felt that it would look like I was weak or that I couldn't handle my job if I asked for help. So for most of the month of July I was a walking zombie and it began to effect everyone around me.
How did I wake up? I was hit by a bolt of lightning. Not literally, I had a meeting with my supervisors and they told me that I needed to refocus because I was not being a leader in the office. The other thing they told me was that, by not focusing on the important aspects of the job, I was putting other people's jobs at risk. Whoa, there's the lightning. The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt the people I work with. I really like the people I work with and I did not want them to worry about losing their jobs. So, the meeting and a pep talk from a wonderful friend help to wake me up and, honestly, I feel really good. Feeling burned out is very tiring and I didn't realize how horrible I felt until I came out of it.
What did I learn from this experience? Do not be afraid to ask for help. It takes a strong person to reach out and ask for help and the weak one to try to take everything on by yourself.
Thanks for reading. I will post again soon, I promise. :)
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