Hi my name is Jen and I'm a....

Hi my name is Jen and I'm a sugar junkie. I can't remember when I was first introduced to the stuff, but it has been a major component in most of the food I put into my body. I was probably a small child the first time I had a cookie or piece of candy or ice cream (ok, I'd have to check with my mom, but I don't think even she remembers the first sweet thing I ever ate). It seems like ever since that time I have been crazy for sugar. Now I understand that a lot of foods have sugar in them and with most healthy foods it is a natural sugar that is not so bad for you. I am not talking about those foods. I am talking about ice cream, candy, chocolate bars with nuts and caramel, donuts, cookies, cakes, I have to stop now because I am starting to drool. I can't tell you exactly when the addiction began, but I have recently begun to realize that it is an addiction and the major road block to my weight loss. How many of you know people who are not interested in sweets? I have friends who could care less if they have dessert, who are able to take half a cookie or half a donut and walk away. I know people who just don't eat sweets because they don't like them. What I would like to ask these people is, how do you do it? (Actually, sometimes I'd like to punch these people, but since they are my friends and I don't want to get arrested for battery I refrain.) For as long as I can remember, I have never been someone who could just have 1 sweet thing. I could never eat half a cookie and be satisfied. I have to eat 4-5, or sometimes the entire bag of cookies in one sitting. Same thing with cake, I can't eat a small piece, I have to have a large piece or 2 pieces. Don't even get me started on ice cream. I may be one of the few people who can pile a large serving of ice cream in a small dish. So, what is it about sugar that has such a hold on me? Well ever since I posted that blog about how sugar reacts in the brain and can be like a drug, I've been paying attention to how I feel when I eat sugar. I am going to be honest here because I know that, with any addiction, the road to recovery is when we acknowledge we have a problem and we bring out all our secrets, so here goes. I am a closet eater. I eat a lot of things in secret that no one knows about because I am ashamed and afraid of what they will say. I have been doing this for years. When I was a kid, I would sneak cookies or candy or other sweets and eat them in the bathroom (pretty gross I know). When I started driving, my car became the place where I would eat sweets and connivance marts became my dealers. Have you ever been in a convenience mart? It is a sugar junkie's paradise. The minute you walk through the door, you are hit with the donut and cookie display. The wall leading up to the counter where you pay along with the counter is lined with candy bars. Some places have a cooler in the middle of the store that has ice cream bars in it. It's crazy! I can't begin to tell you how glad I am that someone created the pay at the pump option because now, if I go into a connivance store, it is because I am getting a sugar fix not because I am paying for my gas. Believe me, I am not proud of my behaviors and it is not easy for me to write this, but I feel I need to get this out in order to really help myself. What is it about sugar and sweet foods that has me so captivated? Comfort for one thing. There is something very soothing to me about sinking my teeth into a Snickers candy bar or biting into a chocolate chip cookie, or eating a donut, especially when I am upset. Like most drugs, the sugar makes the pain go away for a little while, but it always comes back and worse than it was before I ate the treat. So now that I have recognized that I have a problem, the way to tackle it is to go cold turkey (and I don't like artificial sweeteners, so I will not be making desserts with Truvia or Splenda). I just have to give up the hard core sugar. So no more cake, ice cream, cookies, candy, my hands are beginning to shake as I write this. I feel I need to go cold turkey because, right now, I cannot control myself when I eat these items. I cannot trust myself to just eat 1 cookie or a small serving of ice cream, so I need to give them up. I am making this public because I really feel I have a problem and if more people know about it, then I will really be held accountable. I know I can't continue at the weight that I am and I know this kind of sugar in the amounts that I eat is not good for me. So I have to let it go and I have to figure out another way to comfort myself when I am upset. I will check in with all of you in a month to let you know how things are going. I think I may try to find a 12-step group to help me. We have AA and NA, there has to be something out there for sugar addicts. I weighed in on Monday, 4/11, and gained 1.2 pounds. That, along with the fact that I know some people who are having great success with their weight loss, prompted me to really look at myself and to write this. Thank you for the encouragement, and to my friends who are looking great and losing weight, keep it up! It truly is encouraging for me to see your successes. Until next time...

Slow and Steady...

Happy April! I'm thinking a post a month is what I'm capable of, unless I'm truly inspired or truly motivated (right now, motivation is the key). I named this post slow and steady because that's what my weight loss has been. For the past 2 weeks, I have lost 0.4 pounds. Now I know any loss is a good thing, but come on. I can't figure out why I can't lose a whole pound in one week. So I have to re-evaluate what I am doing and figure out where I am going wrong. I am still writing down everything I eat and I am doing my best to make good choices (although the other night I went to dinner with a friend and ate a burger). For the most part, I feel pretty good about what I'm eating. I have started buying more organic foods and looking at the labels of items in the grocery store before I buy them. I have been staying away from processed foods, which have a lot of chemicals in them in exchange for more produce and healthier meats. I am also cooking more, which I really enjoy, and choosing recipes that have more vegetables in them. I am still struggling with my alcohol consumption. I work the overnight shift, so 5 days a week I am not drinking at all, but on my days off I seem to drink a lot. I don't know, I try to have the best intentions, but instead of having 1-2 glasses of wine or 1-2 beers, I seem to drink 6-7. At 5 points a glass, that 30-35 points for that much wine. (Light beer is a little less at 3 points, but it still adds up) I'm beginning to wonder if it's worth it. Also, when I drink like that, I wake up feeling crappy and unmotivated to do anything which is not how I want to spend my day off. I don't want to give up drinking wine or beer. I enjoy having a glass of wine with dinner and I didn't go into this to give up alcohol. I think I just need to be very mindful about how much I am drinking. If I plan for 1-2 glasses of wine, that is all I should drink. As I was writing this, I began to think about my sense of control or lack there of. When I think about how I put on this weight and how I've maintained this weight for so long I realize that my biggest issue has always been a lack of control. I love sweets, but instead of just eating one cookie or 2 small scoops of ice cream, I have always had to have 3-4 cookies or a huge bowl of ice cream. Also, once I start eating sweets, especially if I am alone, I can't seem to stop. I think the same is true for alcohol. The feeling that I get when I eat sweets or consume alcohol are the same. It is a sense of euphoria, nothing seems to bother me and I feel like I'm wrapped in a nice, warm cocoon. I can understand why some people self-medicate with alcohol or even food. The problem is, like with most things, too much is not good. So my focus is going to be on self-control. If I can learn to control how much of a good thing I am putting into my body, it will spill over into other aspects of my life that I have let go. It won't be an easy process, but nothing really worth doing ever is. After all, this is my life and, if I'm not happy about how I'm looking or how things are going, I am the one who has to fix it. So, thank you to everyone who take the time to read this. I appreciate all of the comments and encouragements I've received. I will continue to keep you posted on how things are going. Oh, and in case you were wondering, at my last weigh in I was 262.8 pounds, down 7.2 pounds from my beginning. Not too shabby... :)