I have no control. It's true, I have absolutely no control when it comes to food, finances, life in general. I believe I have been living without control for quite some time, only I didn't really know it. I have been operating for quite some time under a facade, I relatively successful independent woman, when underneath I'm not.
Heavy, I don't really mean to be. The past week and a half has not been easy for me. My job has changed and I've said goodbye to some friends at work, including a great supervisor. To celebrate the end of a contract and the promise of something new, the office was filled with food. Cake, cookies, cupcakes, pizza, chips, chocolate, you name it. You name it, I ate it. Which is why I was up another 1.4 pounds this week.
I suppose I could blame the weight gain on my menstrual cycle, but I'm not. I'm going to blame it on the fact that I can't seem to let go of using food for comfort. I am going to blame it on the fact that I have no control and, where a normal person would have one normal size piece of cake, I have to have two. Or I have to have three or four frosted sugar cookies instead of one, or I can't just eat one piece of chocolate... I think you get the idea.
In the past I have written about sugar being my drug. I think I am fully beginning to understand how someone can become addicted to drugs or alcohol or anything for that matter. There is something that happens within us when we reach for that "forbidden" item. Maybe it is a rush of doing something that you know you shouldn't do. Maybe it is the fact that the item give you a bit of a high, alters your reality, or makes you feel good for a period of time. Not that sugar is quite as mind altering as certain drugs, but there is something that happens with your body chemistry when you eat sugar that gives you an euphoric feeling. For me, food that has tasted good (mostly anything with sugar) was an escape for a short period of time. Oh, and I'm really good at hiding just how much I'm eating, that is until I get on the scale (but I've talked about that before too).
So I'm struggling with control. To my credit, I don't bring a lot of sugar into my house. I don't buy cakes or cookies or candy. I reserve most of my baking to breads or savory items and, if I do make something sweet, I either make it as a dessert when I'm having people over for dinner, or I bring it to work or give it to someone. It's the moments when I'm feeling vulnerable, scared, sad, that I lose control.
I've read the books, I've read articles, and I've heard people talk about how weight loss is about behaviors change and you have to find your food triggers. They give suggestions for things to do when you feel like eating, go for a walk, call a friend, focus on another activity that makes you feel good. What they fail to realize is, like any other addict, it is when you are at your most vulnerable that you reach for that one thing you know will make you feel better, if only for a little while.
That is where my problem lies. Who wants to be vulnerable? Being vulnerable is being weak. It is admitting that you need help. It leaves you open to hurt. But being vulnerable also means that you are human. There is a strength in vulnerability that I don't think we realize. As I've continued to open myself up through this blog and put my own vulnerability on the line, I am also becoming stronger. Yeah, I'm not perfect. I'm not the facade that I put on for others. What I am is a single woman struggling to make ends meet. Trying to fulfill my dreams, scared to death that I am going to fall on my face. I am someone who truly enjoys helping others, but I have absolutely no idea how to help myself. So I eat.
So, now that I have poured all this out to you, my friends, what to do now. Well, I fell down. It's nothing new, I do it all the time bother literally and figuratively. So I will pick myself up, treat my wounds, and get back on the path. As scary as this was to write and as scary as it is knowing this will be out there for anyone to read, I actually feel a sense of relief. If you are struggling with issues in your own life, I hope, as you read this, you will know that you are not alone. You are also strong and you will move past this as well.
Thank you as always for reading and for your encouraging comments. :)
